I can feel it coming, slowly creeping. The darkness that'll consume me. What an awesome way to end the year.
I can feel it already, I can't breathe, I can't think. I want nothing more than to just.. fade away into the shadows.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Vroom Vroom
Omg driving complicated max. Way to many things to keep tab on, kept going off centre, and worrying bout the number of vehicles on the road, and changing gear, and clutch, and accelerator, and brakes, and free gear, and blablablabla.
AHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHH
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
In darkness, a light shines dimly
"Cause I've seen love die way too many times"
Never dwindle on the past. But what if you can never escape it, and it haunts you from day to day despite your best efforts to put up a good face and keep a smile on your face? In time, it wears you down and you're constantly breaking down, without any warning whatsoever. Sigh, guess it's still etched somewhere deep in my mind, to never forget the one person I had ever cared about this much, the one I would do anything for, the one I would try my best even though it was never enough. The one very same person.. who had forgotten I had ever existed.
I miss that person. Sometimes, it hurts a lil bit, it seems I had put it all behind me. Sometimes, I'd just remember certain things I did for her, and all it would take is 1 sentence, or looking at a place, or just reminiscing. To me, her name is virtually taboo, and I always hated it when someone mentions her. I'd get messed up way too bad. Ironically enough, when someone starts talking bout her, I'd follow suit, and I'd go on and on. Funny how I'll tell someone to stop, before continuing the conversation myself.
All those times I was down, she was always there. The one person who could ever cheer me up, the one I always believed in, the person I trusted most. I never asked for much, a simple conversation would have sent me into a wave of euphoria for at least a few days. On the contrary, it takes just as little to send me spiralling into depression. When you get affected this much by a person, it's kinda a really.. Obvious sign you feel smth.
Silence is what hurt the most. Every single day I'd stay up late, just to have a simple chat. Guess it kinda became a routine of mine. And yeah she knew how to hit where it hurt most. Days grew into weeks, weeks into months. There was no sign of her. Then again, after what I had did the day before the silence began, who could blame her for her actions? I'd stare at my phone, waiting for hours and hours to no avail, there was no turning back. Till this day, I feel this is the reason my antagonism towards her is this strong. I had screwed up the one chance I had. She had tried (I suppose) to go back to normal, but I did nothing but gave her the cold shoulder. "I know you're emo now, I don't wanna disturb you. Cheer up and take care", t'was the very LAST sentence I had ever received before 6 months of isolation.
The weird part is, after those 6 months. I actually managed to talk to her again.. Once. By a very lucky chance. There was no other time she would be alone, I wouldn't have dared approach her. A conversation that lasted a grand total of.. 10 seconds which consisted of 3 lines. Being me, I ran off. Whee! I feel like such a coward. but still, the depression left for a week. I was able to smile again, genuinely.
BOOM! The silence came again, I have no idea why. Guess I'm just someone to be toyed around with. Nothing more than the object of someone's fancy, to be tossed aside at any moment once they got bored with it. Another 4 months of silence. It did nothing but fuel my growing hatred and repulsion. Although I could never hate perfection.
"Love brings memories nobody can erase"
The 24th. I'll remember it, as long as I live. The very day my whole life changed, I'll remember every detail, I mean.. How could I ever forget? Leaving that day, my heart raced, my thoughts were cloudy, the only thing I could ever think about was that smile and the anticipation to see the very same smile the next day..
2009's drawing to a close, the worst year of my life is coming to an end. Sometimes I wish I had never gone through any of this, but this is what made me who I am today.
As 2010 approaches, I want nothing more than to put my past behind me. I wanna just lock up every thought I have of her, and store it in a little box and throw away the key. It'll be a new year, a new day, and most importantly, a new life and a new beginning for me.
I can talk all I want but I doubt I can really achive it. I miss her :(
*god I write alot when I'm depressed
Never dwindle on the past. But what if you can never escape it, and it haunts you from day to day despite your best efforts to put up a good face and keep a smile on your face? In time, it wears you down and you're constantly breaking down, without any warning whatsoever. Sigh, guess it's still etched somewhere deep in my mind, to never forget the one person I had ever cared about this much, the one I would do anything for, the one I would try my best even though it was never enough. The one very same person.. who had forgotten I had ever existed.
I miss that person. Sometimes, it hurts a lil bit, it seems I had put it all behind me. Sometimes, I'd just remember certain things I did for her, and all it would take is 1 sentence, or looking at a place, or just reminiscing. To me, her name is virtually taboo, and I always hated it when someone mentions her. I'd get messed up way too bad. Ironically enough, when someone starts talking bout her, I'd follow suit, and I'd go on and on. Funny how I'll tell someone to stop, before continuing the conversation myself.
All those times I was down, she was always there. The one person who could ever cheer me up, the one I always believed in, the person I trusted most. I never asked for much, a simple conversation would have sent me into a wave of euphoria for at least a few days. On the contrary, it takes just as little to send me spiralling into depression. When you get affected this much by a person, it's kinda a really.. Obvious sign you feel smth.
Silence is what hurt the most. Every single day I'd stay up late, just to have a simple chat. Guess it kinda became a routine of mine. And yeah she knew how to hit where it hurt most. Days grew into weeks, weeks into months. There was no sign of her. Then again, after what I had did the day before the silence began, who could blame her for her actions? I'd stare at my phone, waiting for hours and hours to no avail, there was no turning back. Till this day, I feel this is the reason my antagonism towards her is this strong. I had screwed up the one chance I had. She had tried (I suppose) to go back to normal, but I did nothing but gave her the cold shoulder. "I know you're emo now, I don't wanna disturb you. Cheer up and take care", t'was the very LAST sentence I had ever received before 6 months of isolation.
The weird part is, after those 6 months. I actually managed to talk to her again.. Once. By a very lucky chance. There was no other time she would be alone, I wouldn't have dared approach her. A conversation that lasted a grand total of.. 10 seconds which consisted of 3 lines. Being me, I ran off. Whee! I feel like such a coward. but still, the depression left for a week. I was able to smile again, genuinely.
BOOM! The silence came again, I have no idea why. Guess I'm just someone to be toyed around with. Nothing more than the object of someone's fancy, to be tossed aside at any moment once they got bored with it. Another 4 months of silence. It did nothing but fuel my growing hatred and repulsion. Although I could never hate perfection.
"Love brings memories nobody can erase"
The 24th. I'll remember it, as long as I live. The very day my whole life changed, I'll remember every detail, I mean.. How could I ever forget? Leaving that day, my heart raced, my thoughts were cloudy, the only thing I could ever think about was that smile and the anticipation to see the very same smile the next day..
2009's drawing to a close, the worst year of my life is coming to an end. Sometimes I wish I had never gone through any of this, but this is what made me who I am today.
As 2010 approaches, I want nothing more than to put my past behind me. I wanna just lock up every thought I have of her, and store it in a little box and throw away the key. It'll be a new year, a new day, and most importantly, a new life and a new beginning for me.
I can talk all I want but I doubt I can really achive it. I miss her :(
*god I write alot when I'm depressed
Xmas at Sam's
Went over to Sam's place for xmas party. T'was a pretty fun experience, lawls.
Went to Gazi's house 1st, where Jon picked both of us up. It was raining :D And yeah, once we got there, got the reaction I was expecting from Sam. Ahahaha. "Omg lala zai" meh.
Mm, went straight to.. fooooooood. As usual, formed our "circle formation" and started chatting away, and what better place to camp than right next to the table full of food. ahahaha :D
Then it was.. Eating, eating, drinking, sitting down, walking, eating. You get the idea.
Went into Sam's new house, lawls. This is what Sam said about why the new house was built :
"Initially, my mum and aunt wanted to go gardening, after they retire. So we bought the land right beside our house, over huge garden. Then my mum said, 1 big garden not so nice, we should have smth in the middle, a gazebo. Then, a small gazebo not that nice la. Maybe we make it slightly bigger. I think we make smth like a glass house la. After that.. Why don't we make it 2-storeys, it'll still take up the same amount of space. Then.. Why don't we make it a guest house since got 2 storeys and a room upstairs. Since it's a guest house, why don't we add in a living room, a kitchen, etc etc etc."
So.. basically, the whole house is his gazebo. Rofl!
Then there was the epic blanket game, the exact same one we played at Bw's place the year before. Everyone was split into 2 groups was divided by.. 2 people holding up a blanket. So.. the main idea is to send someone.. aka "the sacrificial lamb" up front. And when the blanket is dropped. The lamb has to say the other lamb's name. The 1st one to say the other's name wins and the loser joins the opposing side. And this goes on and on and on and on..... and on and on.. on and on until there is nobody left on 1 side. So.. Since none of us knew anyone there.. yay for us.
Then it was random chit chat, watching people caroling, blablabla. Then Sam, Nabeel and I took turns playing guitar and singing random songs. Ahhaa.
Well.. It was quite fun. And today.. Beng Way's xmas party. hahah
Went to Gazi's house 1st, where Jon picked both of us up. It was raining :D And yeah, once we got there, got the reaction I was expecting from Sam. Ahahaha. "Omg lala zai" meh.
Mm, went straight to.. fooooooood. As usual, formed our "circle formation" and started chatting away, and what better place to camp than right next to the table full of food. ahahaha :D
Then it was.. Eating, eating, drinking, sitting down, walking, eating. You get the idea.
Went into Sam's new house, lawls. This is what Sam said about why the new house was built :
"Initially, my mum and aunt wanted to go gardening, after they retire. So we bought the land right beside our house, over huge garden. Then my mum said, 1 big garden not so nice, we should have smth in the middle, a gazebo. Then, a small gazebo not that nice la. Maybe we make it slightly bigger. I think we make smth like a glass house la. After that.. Why don't we make it 2-storeys, it'll still take up the same amount of space. Then.. Why don't we make it a guest house since got 2 storeys and a room upstairs. Since it's a guest house, why don't we add in a living room, a kitchen, etc etc etc."
So.. basically, the whole house is his gazebo. Rofl!
Then there was the epic blanket game, the exact same one we played at Bw's place the year before. Everyone was split into 2 groups was divided by.. 2 people holding up a blanket. So.. the main idea is to send someone.. aka "the sacrificial lamb" up front. And when the blanket is dropped. The lamb has to say the other lamb's name. The 1st one to say the other's name wins and the loser joins the opposing side. And this goes on and on and on and on..... and on and on.. on and on until there is nobody left on 1 side. So.. Since none of us knew anyone there.. yay for us.
Then it was random chit chat, watching people caroling, blablabla. Then Sam, Nabeel and I took turns playing guitar and singing random songs. Ahhaa.
Well.. It was quite fun. And today.. Beng Way's xmas party. hahah
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
I'll wait
for you.
It's been 3 days straight.. of nightmares.
1st of all. Merry Christmas to everyone! :)
Went Sunway College to register today for Aus Mat. Yeap, Jan 04, college will be starting (for me and whoever else is going in January) So basically.. holidays are almost over, again. :(
It's been 3 days straight.. of nightmares.
1st of all. Merry Christmas to everyone! :)
Went Sunway College to register today for Aus Mat. Yeap, Jan 04, college will be starting (for me and whoever else is going in January) So basically.. holidays are almost over, again. :(
Thursday, December 24, 2009
It's been awhile since I've felt like this
Everything's ok, nothing feels broken.
I remember the times.. Pain was a constant friend of mine. Every so often, I'd just start hyperventilating, and I couldn't breathe properly. Seriously felt like just crawling into a corner and letting it overcome me. Meh. Though normally it takes a pretty strong trigger for that.
Speaking of which, I just saw it again. ARGH. Great, I had to stone awhile looking at it to trying to make out the person in the pic. "Hmm.. it looks like... no.. wait.. it is.. Oh shit" Then BOOM. Ouch, it hurts. Real bad.. Even after all this while =(
I remember the times.. Pain was a constant friend of mine. Every so often, I'd just start hyperventilating, and I couldn't breathe properly. Seriously felt like just crawling into a corner and letting it overcome me. Meh. Though normally it takes a pretty strong trigger for that.
Speaking of which, I just saw it again. ARGH. Great, I had to stone awhile looking at it to trying to make out the person in the pic. "Hmm.. it looks like... no.. wait.. it is.. Oh shit" Then BOOM. Ouch, it hurts. Real bad.. Even after all this while =(
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