It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashback that follows..
You know.. It's not often that I'm this down. After all, this is the inevitable, I always knew that this was coming, I just didn't expect it to be so soon.
The first of many to come..
People always take things for granted, they believe that everything in life would just sit still and stay the way they are, nice and comfortable. Nobody ever prepares themselves for an unexpected chance in life, a shift without warning. I for one am guilty of having created such an illusion for myself. I was caught off guard. I couldn't believe it. No, the correct term would have been I refused to believe it. Everything was perfect, so routine, anything that had the prospect of changing that just seemed to unreal.
They say a picture's worth a thousand words..
If such a line is true, you're worth more than 20000 words to me. The person whose important never really hit home till now. The quirky one. You never notice, unless you knew that person personally, if not, that person wouldn't really stand out. I don't mean to offend, but that's my personal perception and honest opinion. Trust me, you're awesome the way you are.
I don't want to sound overly sentimental but after the initial shock, everything just came flooding back to me in one overwhelming wave. It felt as though I was drowning in the sea of memories that rushed me, never giving me a second to contemplate and reflect on how fast time had flew past us. Days spent studying, having fun, just being extremely stupid amongst friends, loved as much as family. They seem like such a distant memory now, it feels so surreal to reminiscent about those times.
I guess this just goes to show, life never ever goes the way you plan it. Always brace yourself for the unexpected. You can wait around for life, but life won't wait around for you.
I never got a chance to say goodbye.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I Reiterate
But compared to that, you're amazing..
I never thought I'd panic this much thinking that I had lost that. Frantically, I looked through my drawer only to find it pinned under everything else I had tossed on top of it nonchalantly.
I feel the tug again. The guilt.
Being harsh is hard on myself too. The amount of effort it takes to maintain composure. At times it came naturally, other times it felt as though I was pushing myself to be someone I'm not. I was going against my very personality.
I wonder at times too why do I go to such lengths to keep myself at a distance.
I guess the saying's true. You can never throw everything away. So I do the next viable option on my mind..
Bottle everything up, and hope it dies someday.
I've went too far back for my own good, my other half bears its fangs, waiting to pounce and take over my conscience again. This is what I get when I let down my guard and be nice.
I can remember almost everything now, down to the smallest details.
One by one, the days are returning to my mind despite any attempts to repulse them.
I don't wanna go back to that pathetic state I was once in, helpless and vulnerable. To be turned into a puppet again..
I don't.
I never thought I'd panic this much thinking that I had lost that. Frantically, I looked through my drawer only to find it pinned under everything else I had tossed on top of it nonchalantly.
I feel the tug again. The guilt.
Being harsh is hard on myself too. The amount of effort it takes to maintain composure. At times it came naturally, other times it felt as though I was pushing myself to be someone I'm not. I was going against my very personality.
I wonder at times too why do I go to such lengths to keep myself at a distance.
I guess the saying's true. You can never throw everything away. So I do the next viable option on my mind..
Bottle everything up, and hope it dies someday.
I've went too far back for my own good, my other half bears its fangs, waiting to pounce and take over my conscience again. This is what I get when I let down my guard and be nice.
I can remember almost everything now, down to the smallest details.
One by one, the days are returning to my mind despite any attempts to repulse them.
I don't wanna go back to that pathetic state I was once in, helpless and vulnerable. To be turned into a puppet again..
I don't.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Doodle #34
I've been alone all my life.
That's probably the only thing that's driving me on.
The very fact that I reside in solitude, it reminds of who I am and my almost purposeless direction in this life.
That is what propels to me to work hard, to be acknowledged.
Yet, nothing ever seems to work out, no matter how hard I try.
People only exist to pull you down.
Rarely, do you come across a person who shares your insights, one you could relate to.
Even then, you'd be surprised at how fast they can turn and leave you in the dust, laughing at you as you stumble while they cruise along in life.
Within loneliness, lies comfort.
Everybody needs somebody, yet everybody is out to hurt somebody.
That's probably the only thing that's driving me on.
The very fact that I reside in solitude, it reminds of who I am and my almost purposeless direction in this life.
That is what propels to me to work hard, to be acknowledged.
Yet, nothing ever seems to work out, no matter how hard I try.
People only exist to pull you down.
Rarely, do you come across a person who shares your insights, one you could relate to.
Even then, you'd be surprised at how fast they can turn and leave you in the dust, laughing at you as you stumble while they cruise along in life.
Within loneliness, lies comfort.
Everybody needs somebody, yet everybody is out to hurt somebody.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Doodle #33
I opened up the door.
There it lay, an item I haven't laid my eyes on in a long time.
It brings me back to that day.
No, I've not forgotten. I don't think I ever will.
The laughter, the joy.
A fragment of my past, a reminder that it is the passed, a distant memory out of my reach.
One glance opened up a vault of thoughts, locked away in secrecy all this while.
Forsaken, tossed aside and destined to never be opened again.
This I'm certain, I no longer see the reason behind the joy, only the sorrow.
I look to the future with clouded eyes, assured that I can leave everything behind yet weary of the arduousness of the task that lay at hand.
Once again, I bid you goodbye.
There it lay, an item I haven't laid my eyes on in a long time.
It brings me back to that day.
No, I've not forgotten. I don't think I ever will.
The laughter, the joy.
A fragment of my past, a reminder that it is the passed, a distant memory out of my reach.
One glance opened up a vault of thoughts, locked away in secrecy all this while.
Forsaken, tossed aside and destined to never be opened again.
This I'm certain, I no longer see the reason behind the joy, only the sorrow.
I look to the future with clouded eyes, assured that I can leave everything behind yet weary of the arduousness of the task that lay at hand.
Once again, I bid you goodbye.
Bygones Be Bygones
Another day passes by with its lack of change.
I can't say that today was the best of days nor can I call it a bad one. Why? Well, I'm kinda undecided about how to react to my EAL/D Oral Practical Examination earlier today.
Oh, how bad can it get?
Considering that this particular exam contributes 25% of my FINAL EAL/D evaluation.. it's a very important one indeed. It's no surprise that my nerves got the better of me.
I actually messed up my timing and went to college almost an hour that I had initially planned, but that wasn't so bad. Least it gave me some time for self-reflection and last minute run through of my points.
When the time came for me to get myself to the preparation room beside the Smile Lab, I took one last breath, and sighed out. Real heavily. It was all or nothing anyways. Then, in that one moment, all the nerves just vanished. I only had one thing on my mind. To do my very best, I've found my motivation. I wouldn't let myself be bettered. No, I wouldn't stand for it.
Then the doors opened, and the 6 of us were all ushered in.
The first 15 minutes of preparation went quite well. I wouldn't say I completely understood the visual stimulus I had nor that I had many points. A little elaboration was there but that's all I had.
After what felt like.. a long time, it was time for us to move on into the actual examination room. Found my station, Room 1 which was really close to where all the lecturers overseeing us were seated. Did my audio check as instructed by the supervisor and waited patiently till I was greeted.
"Good morning, I'm your examiner for today. My name is.."
The rest was a blur. So the practical began.
Part A was just introductions and establishing that comfort level between examiner and uhh.. student?
Part B. I started to elaborate on my points. Before I knew it, I heard "Thank you. We will now move on to a hidden question" LIKE WHAT?! Nobody else that I asked had actually gotten asked a hidden question. I really feel I did badly.. :(
Part C. Got asked some question I was unfamiliar with but against all odds, I managed to pull myself together and string my points somewhat coherently.
The feedback I got from the lecturers present and my own opinion conflicts. I don't know!! I need to get that Part B cleared up. D:!
After that, waited for Cornelia Watson and Jing to come to college. Heading out to lunch / dessert at SS15. (:
Met up with Alvin, Kelvin, Wei Cheng and Yong at AC at SS15.
POOL.
Why can't I think of longer elaborations?
Screw it.
Live with the one liners.
That's all for today.
What up, non-finishers?
:D
I can't say that today was the best of days nor can I call it a bad one. Why? Well, I'm kinda undecided about how to react to my EAL/D Oral Practical Examination earlier today.
Oh, how bad can it get?
Considering that this particular exam contributes 25% of my FINAL EAL/D evaluation.. it's a very important one indeed. It's no surprise that my nerves got the better of me.
I actually messed up my timing and went to college almost an hour that I had initially planned, but that wasn't so bad. Least it gave me some time for self-reflection and last minute run through of my points.
When the time came for me to get myself to the preparation room beside the Smile Lab, I took one last breath, and sighed out. Real heavily. It was all or nothing anyways. Then, in that one moment, all the nerves just vanished. I only had one thing on my mind. To do my very best, I've found my motivation. I wouldn't let myself be bettered. No, I wouldn't stand for it.
Then the doors opened, and the 6 of us were all ushered in.
The first 15 minutes of preparation went quite well. I wouldn't say I completely understood the visual stimulus I had nor that I had many points. A little elaboration was there but that's all I had.
After what felt like.. a long time, it was time for us to move on into the actual examination room. Found my station, Room 1 which was really close to where all the lecturers overseeing us were seated. Did my audio check as instructed by the supervisor and waited patiently till I was greeted.
"Good morning, I'm your examiner for today. My name is.."
The rest was a blur. So the practical began.
Part A was just introductions and establishing that comfort level between examiner and uhh.. student?
Part B. I started to elaborate on my points. Before I knew it, I heard "Thank you. We will now move on to a hidden question" LIKE WHAT?! Nobody else that I asked had actually gotten asked a hidden question. I really feel I did badly.. :(
Part C. Got asked some question I was unfamiliar with but against all odds, I managed to pull myself together and string my points somewhat coherently.
The feedback I got from the lecturers present and my own opinion conflicts. I don't know!! I need to get that Part B cleared up. D:!
After that, waited for Cornelia Watson and Jing to come to college. Heading out to lunch / dessert at SS15. (:
Met up with Alvin, Kelvin, Wei Cheng and Yong at AC at SS15.
POOL.
Why can't I think of longer elaborations?
Screw it.
Live with the one liners.
That's all for today.
What up, non-finishers?
:D
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Doodle #32 : Firsts
*stares in disbelief* "What?! Did you just say that?!"
"Hey, omg is that Quadrapop? :O!"
"Oh no, nobody's sitting here. Nah, I don't mind"
"I vote you as leader!"
"You're not with him? D:"
"You played paintball? Whoa.. how was it? *intrigued* :O"
"Here, I took an extra copy for you :)"
"Pictures? Ah okay why not *jumps in*"
9 months have passed since then. Some of my earliest recollections of what's passed.
"Hey, omg is that Quadrapop? :O!"
"Oh no, nobody's sitting here. Nah, I don't mind"
"I vote you as leader!"
"You're not with him? D:"
"You played paintball? Whoa.. how was it? *intrigued* :O"
"Here, I took an extra copy for you :)"
"Pictures? Ah okay why not *jumps in*"
9 months have passed since then. Some of my earliest recollections of what's passed.
Friday, September 24, 2010
A Concoction of Lust
Mixed with a malignant intent.
We don't talk as often as we used to. I'm actually pained by that fact. The laughs, the jokes, they all used to be second nature, they came naturally at some point. What happened?
I miss the old times, the hyperness, the sense of comfort, it just felt so right. I was at ease, with no care in the world. What mattered was the moment, not the passed nor the future. To live in the moment was to be alive.
Now, everything feels so odd. I can't string together any coherent sentences, all I'm able to manage is a few grumbles that may or may not go unnoticed when I speak.
We don't talk as often as we used to. I'm actually pained by that fact. The laughs, the jokes, they all used to be second nature, they came naturally at some point. What happened?
I miss the old times, the hyperness, the sense of comfort, it just felt so right. I was at ease, with no care in the world. What mattered was the moment, not the passed nor the future. To live in the moment was to be alive.
Now, everything feels so odd. I can't string together any coherent sentences, all I'm able to manage is a few grumbles that may or may not go unnoticed when I speak.
I don't know what this feeling is, the only thing I'm certain of is that I've some form of attachment, even dependence, and I don't wanna lose it. I feel broken, like a piece of me is missing. I miss you, I truly do, in an odd way. I want you there, yet I don't for I fear that I'll be a burden. The conscience that I had always confided in.
I'm perpetually at a tug of war. When I get drawn to one side, I begin to distance myself from the other. Ever since the split way back, everything's been divided into two, connections are still there but nothing's truly whole.
It's true that I get attached easily. Way too easily for my own good, way too easily for anyone's good. A friendship that's starting to wear out and lose it's luster.
But enough bout that, went out for a snack very early dinner at SS15.
Carmen and Kah Mun, my two AusMat sisters. (:
That concludes today's post. I'm off to Pizza Hut in about 30 minutes before heading over to Jon's place. :D
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Leave It
Stagnant air fills my lungs.
The atmosphere feels heavy, weighed down by the tension, the awkwardness. I open my mouth to speak but I only manage silence. Fragments of my thoughts, bits and pieces of words, stringed together in a feeble attempt to form a barely tangible sentence. The words comes out in chunks, the intonation's weak as I will myself to be more than myself.
Futile indeed.
My soul's exposed, susceptible once more to the blades as the dagger's hilt is being driven into me. The blow I once suffered is more than just skin deep. It shattered my very core. I could feel nothing, I could see nothing, all I felt was what I heard, the screeching laughter piercing the air, mocking how far I've fallen. Faceless silhouettes, resembling those I thought I knew surround me cutting off any escape. I held my head down in defeat. Defeat, that I had snatched from the jaws of victory.
Indifference, I've been called cold on many occasions but nothing comes close to how much this one stung.
With exam's looming at the corner, there's no time for soul searching. But I know, I found one of my missing pieces back, to dwell on my thoughts, those way past their expiration dates. (:
Grey clouds are forming on my horizon again, the light is fading. The light that I've trying to reach, never able to grasp.
It should have been a good day. Should.
The stupid lectures I've had to endure. The vanity and conceitedness, why on earth hadn't I stopped myself then? Coming across a reference really shakes me.
The atmosphere feels heavy, weighed down by the tension, the awkwardness. I open my mouth to speak but I only manage silence. Fragments of my thoughts, bits and pieces of words, stringed together in a feeble attempt to form a barely tangible sentence. The words comes out in chunks, the intonation's weak as I will myself to be more than myself.
Futile indeed.
My soul's exposed, susceptible once more to the blades as the dagger's hilt is being driven into me. The blow I once suffered is more than just skin deep. It shattered my very core. I could feel nothing, I could see nothing, all I felt was what I heard, the screeching laughter piercing the air, mocking how far I've fallen. Faceless silhouettes, resembling those I thought I knew surround me cutting off any escape. I held my head down in defeat. Defeat, that I had snatched from the jaws of victory.
Indifference, I've been called cold on many occasions but nothing comes close to how much this one stung.
With exam's looming at the corner, there's no time for soul searching. But I know, I found one of my missing pieces back, to dwell on my thoughts, those way past their expiration dates. (:
Grey clouds are forming on my horizon again, the light is fading. The light that I've trying to reach, never able to grasp.
It should have been a good day. Should.
The stupid lectures I've had to endure. The vanity and conceitedness, why on earth hadn't I stopped myself then? Coming across a reference really shakes me.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Relapse Five
I need a haircut. Badly.
It's already the end of Wednesday in one of the longest weeks so far of college.
Monday
Had to get EAL/D work done as my group's presentation was due that very morning. Perhaps I should not have procrastinated so much and just have got it done the very week the assignment was given. Oddly enough, I did get my part fully done the week the assignment was given, yet somehow I managed to put off all the tiny details until the very day itself which almost resulted in presenting late. I had to run all over college to photostat the notes for class.
When the photostat shop finally opened, there were 3 people in front of me, so I asked one of them "Excuse me, can you just let me photostat mine first? I've a presentation due in 5 minutes" in which she replied "Uhh.. me too" D:! The world is full of procrastinators. Tsk.
I think all the running really tired me out, I didn't even show the bullet train during presentation, was still in the midst of gasping for air.
Overall, okay day. Finally have EAL/D off my chest now. Or so I thought..
Tuesday
Nothing much on the day's agenda except to prepare for the Chemistry quiz later that day. Met up with the C/D gang at the discussion room to prep when someone from one of the earlier groups came in and said "No need study laaaaa, very easy! Only drawing and naming"
Sure enough, most of us were taken aback before giving each other a look that practically screamed "Screw the test, let's go pyramid" No wait, we all said that aloud. :D
Lunch at McD's, or rather, breakfast. We finally got to eat the breakfast set. It's been almost 7 months since I last ate one. ):
Note to Jing, stay away from me. You're darn scary, STOP HITTING ME LA!
Managed to get back to college early and sat around waiting for the test.
I think I made careless mistakes.. AGAIN. Side-effect from overconfidence =.=
Wednesday (Today)
Summed up with the few simple words "Death by Maths" (:
In unrelated news, I've a bio AND phy topic test coming up tomorrow. Go figure.
It's already the end of Wednesday in one of the longest weeks so far of college.
Monday
Had to get EAL/D work done as my group's presentation was due that very morning. Perhaps I should not have procrastinated so much and just have got it done the very week the assignment was given. Oddly enough, I did get my part fully done the week the assignment was given, yet somehow I managed to put off all the tiny details until the very day itself which almost resulted in presenting late. I had to run all over college to photostat the notes for class.
When the photostat shop finally opened, there were 3 people in front of me, so I asked one of them "Excuse me, can you just let me photostat mine first? I've a presentation due in 5 minutes" in which she replied "Uhh.. me too" D:! The world is full of procrastinators. Tsk.
I think all the running really tired me out, I didn't even show the bullet train during presentation, was still in the midst of gasping for air.
Overall, okay day. Finally have EAL/D off my chest now. Or so I thought..
Tuesday
Nothing much on the day's agenda except to prepare for the Chemistry quiz later that day. Met up with the C/D gang at the discussion room to prep when someone from one of the earlier groups came in and said "No need study laaaaa, very easy! Only drawing and naming"
Sure enough, most of us were taken aback before giving each other a look that practically screamed "Screw the test, let's go pyramid" No wait, we all said that aloud. :D
Lunch at McD's, or rather, breakfast. We finally got to eat the breakfast set. It's been almost 7 months since I last ate one. ):
Note to Jing, stay away from me. You're darn scary, STOP HITTING ME LA!
Managed to get back to college early and sat around waiting for the test.
I think I made careless mistakes.. AGAIN. Side-effect from overconfidence =.=
Wednesday (Today)
Summed up with the few simple words "Death by Maths" (:
In unrelated news, I've a bio AND phy topic test coming up tomorrow. Go figure.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Study
It was a long day, a very long day.
I got up at 8AM yesterday and got ready to leave for college. Yes, on a Saturday. Why, you ask? Well, I was never able to get anything done at home. Exhibit A : I'm slacking off right now watching HIMYM instead of doing work. So I figured it'd be way more productive for me to head on over to college to do some studying. After all, Sunway was barely 15 minutes away by car.
So I drove there and reached around 9, had my breakfast and headed over to the MZ in the library where I found Marcus. Tidied up my EAL/D parts and managed to get the graphic organiser done with a little help. Dawdled a bit with the computer while waiting for Mun and Watson. Once they were there, we got down to business, opened our books and started studying. Mainly for Chemistry as there was a test coming up next Tuesday. Studied from 11 till 1.
It was time for lunch then, we were joined by Marc's gf. Headed over to SS15's Jojo's Kitchen (I think that's what it's called) for some Pan Mee. I've been there once before with some of my Taylor-ian friends and the food is quite good. After lunch, got dessert at Snowflakes. AC was right across the street, so close.. yet so far. Of course, the others gave me that cold stare whenever I brought it up. LOL
Got back to college around 2-ish. Library was closed by then. :(
Found ourselves a class to study in for about 2 hours before we had to leave it. *glanced at watch ~ 4:30pm* Now what? Having almost no other place to study in college, we headed over to Sun-U and found the study room. Which was actually pretty nice to study in. Aircond. Hee :3 But by then we were all tired. Like really tired. The next 3 to 4 hours passed in a blurry haze.
Dinner at RC with Mun, Marc, Watson, Jack and 2 of their Ipoh friends.
Once again, it was a VERY LONG day. Yet strangely enjoyable.
Longest time I've spent in college since Velvet Auditions and Famine.
On a side note..
When you have nightmares like that, you know it's a sign.
I got up at 8AM yesterday and got ready to leave for college. Yes, on a Saturday. Why, you ask? Well, I was never able to get anything done at home. Exhibit A : I'm slacking off right now watching HIMYM instead of doing work. So I figured it'd be way more productive for me to head on over to college to do some studying. After all, Sunway was barely 15 minutes away by car.
So I drove there and reached around 9, had my breakfast and headed over to the MZ in the library where I found Marcus. Tidied up my EAL/D parts and managed to get the graphic organiser done with a little help. Dawdled a bit with the computer while waiting for Mun and Watson. Once they were there, we got down to business, opened our books and started studying. Mainly for Chemistry as there was a test coming up next Tuesday. Studied from 11 till 1.
It was time for lunch then, we were joined by Marc's gf. Headed over to SS15's Jojo's Kitchen (I think that's what it's called) for some Pan Mee. I've been there once before with some of my Taylor-ian friends and the food is quite good. After lunch, got dessert at Snowflakes. AC was right across the street, so close.. yet so far. Of course, the others gave me that cold stare whenever I brought it up. LOL
Got back to college around 2-ish. Library was closed by then. :(
Found ourselves a class to study in for about 2 hours before we had to leave it. *glanced at watch ~ 4:30pm* Now what? Having almost no other place to study in college, we headed over to Sun-U and found the study room. Which was actually pretty nice to study in. Aircond. Hee :3 But by then we were all tired. Like really tired. The next 3 to 4 hours passed in a blurry haze.
Dinner at RC with Mun, Marc, Watson, Jack and 2 of their Ipoh friends.
Once again, it was a VERY LONG day. Yet strangely enjoyable.
Longest time I've spent in college since Velvet Auditions and Famine.
On a side note..
When you have nightmares like that, you know it's a sign.
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