Sadistic hope

Slowly, pieces of my memories are coming back to me. Guess whatever happened in the initial six months didn't register on my mind. I barely have any recollection of living through this year. Why'd I acted the way I did? I should have pretended that nothing was wrong. The very day after, it was still salvageable. But noooooo, I had to act all idiotic and talk in such an idiotic manner. It was the turning point, which sent everything that mattered in my life downhill. "I know you're emo now, take care" More or less that was the last phrase. Then came the silence. It was torturing, burning me inside. For days on end, the pain wouldn't go away. Of course, there was no way I could get in touch, t'was obvious I was being avoided. I kinda realised it after a week without the signing in message. She was about as addicted to the internet as I was.

At some point, I remember a time I attempted reconciliation. I remembered the apology, and the 10 second convo a few days after that. For a moment everything went back to normal. Then, it came crashing down again. This is the part I do not remember. I have no idea what triggered me to start being the one who's avoiding instead of being avoided. My mind's been telling me all sorts of things that I could use to piece into the situation. I could no longer tell right from wrong.

And then, that date came, the one I could never forget even if I wanted to. How could I when it's been etched so deeply into my mind? Was it 12 am..? Seriously hate it when I can't remember as well as I used to.. Oh.. Yeah, it was 12. I remember ignoring my parents and insisting on staying up. Then the reply came as I was about to fall asleep. I didn't anticipate one. I know that having hope was only going to hurt myself in the end. Maybe there was a tear in my eye, but it was one of the most relaxed I have ever felt when I read what was written.

Of course, sooner of later my mind just turned that whole thing around. I keep feeding myself with lies and deception, I fell right back into avoiding again. Somehow I convinced myself it was a lie and I would fall deeper into the trance. Either way, I was never out of it so there really wasn't much point trying.

Pockets of memories are still missing. Thinking back, I realised how lifeless I must have looked. Sigh.