I'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams.
Before I proceed any further, I'd like to warn you that this might be slightly.. depressive to read. Well maybe. I keep rambling on about how it'll be depressive so I guess that kind of sets a precursor for what to expect. Placebo effect anyone?
Motivation.
I've a knack for relating things in oddest ways. True, maybe a little too much at times. I always give it away with a slight chuckle whenever two things that were initially unrelated clicked together. But that's the beauty of psychology, is it not? I've always found myself fascinated with the application of the study on the subject.
Which brings about the question, "Why am I doing all of this?"
I begin to question myself, is this really what I want? Turn the hourglass back, 7 months ago, back to when I was still within the college mindset, with no worries in the world save for admission into one of the most prestigious universities known to myself. Why had I chosen this path? Is this my passion? Do I regret anything up to this point? Would I be able to cope as the years progressed?
My mind's littered with questions, with no answers. I admit I haven't exactly been composed lately, the notion of falling behind is starting to set in. If you know me well, you'd know that I had never really been bothered with studies. No matter what, they always took a backseat, for I had higher priorities in my mind. That was the line I had always uttered to those who asked. So much so that it's become a norm for me. So I may come across as cocky, overconfident among my various traits. At times I attract too much attention for my own good, all in a conscious mindset. I want to be seen. I had always been but a shadow, a mere face in the crowd. In spite of it all, it all rings true,
I just want to belong.
I had the very same thought over year ago, and I had found my place then, in the comfort of those I call family. A picturesque setting, shattered by my own indecisiveness. Time passes, people change yet I remain in the same cliche'.
I felt as though I've failed. My etiquette was inexcusable and unjustified. I should have exerted self-restraint and acted according to my better judgement. A long day, riddled with bumps along the way.
I miss the more carefree days, the days where laughter came easily. The first time the ice was broken, the first few lines said. Etched into my memory. Guess all I can muster is a slight chuckle every now and then. Time flies when you're having fun, another one of my overused cliches. But when I think of those days, I can't help but grin from ear to ear. :)
I'll just have to play it by heart.
I really needed to get that out, felt like a weight over me is gone, not entirely though. Least now I've found a drive to read up for tomorrow's practical session. Even though things may not seem to be going your way, it doesn't mean you have to show it and displease everyone else. Still trying to instill that line into my mindset. Forgive me for the outbursts, old habits die hard. :P
Today warrants some guitar playing! :) Wonderwall, still the only song to have made me tear up to date. :D Rofl.
EDIT : Over the years I've learnt to differentiate between the two predominant states of mind that plagues me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm being weighed down by an intangible burden, the accumulation of all my life's worries. Anxiety in short. Having studied Psychology, I wonder if any of my mind's defense mechanisms actually work. I know for certain that Repression and Isolation works. I've had periods of memory lapses. Explains why half my memory from years back seems to be missing. Other times, I feel light as a bird, like now actually. Just during this paragraph. I feel so compelled to study, and just be myself. One's low, one's high. Yeap, I'm pretty much bipolar at times. When I'm not my usual stable and indifferent self. Perhaps the ease of relating it to real life makes Psychology all more appealing to me. :) Well, been like this for 4 years now, yet I'm still not used to it. Note, this is just the manifestations of my current thoughts. I will strive to change! :D
"I found a reason for me to change who I used to be" LOL, and the which line which comes next. :D
Well, time for some Drug Delivery. Kinoc, out. :)
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