Isolation

They won't understand, nobody will understand. The things that I do, the way I act, the things I fear. The only way for someone to understand is for them to have gone through the exact things themselves. They can say all they want, it won't change me. Only one person's opinion had ever really mattered anyway.

Those 3 words are said too much

You weren't there when I was spiralling into depression and yet I still less than 3 you.

Grad

Pictures and videos up on facebook. I'm too lazy to post about it. No mood.

And so another day passes in silence.

"It creeps in like a spider, it can't be killed although I try and try to. Don't you see, I don't wanna love you but I do"

Reading chat history can be fun sometimes, reminds me of better days, and really annoying times where I had to highlight chat. swt ==

Conclusion

This is it, there is absolutely no chance of reconcile whatsoever. This is screwed up so bad, I don't even give a fuck no more. Yeah, I'm a coward and do nothing but run away. I don't give no fuck bout what anyone says. If things between me and her are already so screwed up, I might as well fuck it up more. Whee.

Graduation Day today. Can't believe this is the end already. Sigh. Well.. Everything went well, or rather I was able to keep myself sane for most of the day. That is until.. Well, I don't have to say it, everyone who was around me knows already anyway. Phased out and stared blankly into space for 30 mins. Whee~

Envy and Rage is overwhelming my thoughts.

I'll make a post about grad later. Can't find USB for camera.

If having feelings only lets us feel pain, won't we be better off without them?

Edit : Oh fuck, why does that face have to be practically everywhere I look. Whee, just goes to show don't go to random blogs. FUCK NOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT AGAIN.

"I'll pay you to be my driver.. Whoever got car first must bring out k, deal"

That remains the fondest memory I have of how close I used to be. And of course my awesome friend had to interrupt me.

You may have tried to convince me I was despised, but I don't believe you. I can't even look you square in the eye anyway. I'll just continue being in denial. You can't pull me out, not anymore. After the way you cut a wound so deep it'll never heal despite all my efforts. I'll never forget, and probably never forgive, both myself and you.

Awesome, the beginning of yet another breakdown. And now there'd be a total of.. 8 + 5, 13 breakdowns. woohoo.

Two hundred forty thousand one hundred and eight. That's the number, the beginning of my end.

Last minute preparations

I can't think of much to write. Nothing much has been happening everyday besides the whole "omg spm is so near" and whatnot. Yeah, next Wednesday, it'll be Judgement Day for every single 17 year old / form 5 / tards who failed spm and are resitting it = wtf.

So in the spirit of studying, me, ash, gazi, jw, went over to sam's place in an attempt to.. "group study". Turns out the only way we could study was to all be in 1 place. Cause if we weren't, and we were all in our houses, we would ALL be online, and HoNing. Rofl max. So yeah, gathered up, internetless place, then focus on nothing but studying. Sounded like a good idea, no?

Well.. The idea is good, the execution sucked. Rofl. Went over at about 11. It took us like.. 10 minutes to actually decide on where we should study. When we finally decided, took us another 10 minutes to decide what to study, add math or history. hahah! Well.. We sat down and actually focused.. for about.. an hour or so. Lmao, then the whole chatting about random stuff began. Then everyone complained about being hungry and raiding Sam's fridge for Freddo (it's friggin awesome chocolate) and Sam ordered pizza. So yeah, did about an hour of study, then went to look at Sam's dogs while waiting for pizza. (I knew we'd get sidetracked)

Mmm... Pizza... Drool.. And of course, "Dey, let's watch a movie while eating pizza. Aiya a movie at most also 1 and a half hours la" So you can basically guess what happened next. IP MAN. ROFL

T'was an awesome movie with epic fight scenes :DDD

Went back to studying for.. 10 minutes..

Overall.. Failed study plan. ROFL

Statistics

Let's be realistic I'm more than a statistic to you and it hurts so deep inside. Maybe I'm sadistic, I love when you inflict it on me.

Yeah, getting obsessed with Madina Lake all over again. There's only so much time left till SPM. Sigh, I'm barely prepared.. Although I think it won't be that bad.. Just gotta weather the first week cause there's where all the killer subs are.. namely History.

Life's pretty much the same old routine. Get up, get ready for school/breakfast (depending on whether I'm going to school or not) while trying to remember whatever dream I had last night, waste time at school/home. Then scramble to my computer and come online trying to find someone to bug. There's hardly anyone on that I talk to now. I used to bug everyone :(
I think the total people I actually talk to online now is.. Around 5 people.. Give or take another 2.
No wait.. that was way back. Now.. 1 to 3. Whee. As usual wasted the whole day today doing almost nothing, god I feel so guilty now. =.=

School was okay though, strangely enough. Attempted to study an hour before recess, did some add math, talked crap with Edwin. Speaking of which, I hate having recurring dreams at times.. and dreaming inside a dream. Ever got one where you woke up from a dream and went through a whole day just to get up again and realised it was another dream? There was the shopping mall, watching everyone go to out of school, and a hell lot more I wish I didn't remember, like the stupid one wk mentioned to me. Ugh, it's so annoying. And considering the crap I dream of, I seriously can't tell what has happened and what hasn't. Well, Edwin say dreams are related to the way a person thinks.. And I think way too complicatedly. From past experience, I tend to get paranoid and make a big fuss out of the tiniest of matters.

I don't even know why I'm writing this post.. probably trying to get some practice on writing before SPM. Yes, I fail, I already know, it would seem I just fail at anything I try. Then again, after so long, I've kinda gotten used to dissapointment. *sad face*

Happy 17th to Sam

Once again, happy birthday to you, Samuel Chew Pak Kheong, otherwise known as dam rich fella, X4mu3l, feedercake, K1ll3rM0nk3y. lmao~

It's been 4 years since I've known you :D And it's been an awesome 4 years since then. Since the day you walked into class and thrashed the cupboard (yes, I doubt I'll forget this) the 1st week and of course.. In form 2 "No! Mr. President, don't sit, there might be a bomb!"
Ahhahahaha, good times.. good times..

Sometimes I just wanna scream

Ugh, didn't know I was still capable of jealousy. Why am I always the gutless one. Zzz, is this really all I can ever do? I always screw everything up. First with zz and now with zz. Ugh. For the 1st time the second's making me go through what I felt with the 1st.

Here we go again, the feeling of being punched in the chest. or is it heartache? :O
Strange.. normally I require a visual trigger..

Boredom

This post is entirely out of boredom.. among other things.

Ever felt real shocked surprised blablabla? Well, got downstairs after studying/gaming. Looked out my door and wtcrap~!

Saw a new car in the porch. :OOOOO~! Mum said it's gonna be mine in 3 years :OO. That's long.. not even sure if I'm really gonna get that but yay!

Lmao, found that lying in my guitar bag :O I actually completely forgotten about it. Whee Daughtry lanyard :DDDDDDD VIP

Stationary

It's the one that means standing still, not the one about pencils and whatnot.

It's been almost 10 months. If I can live 10 months like this, who's to say I won't go another 10 months, or years. There's ups and downs, but the pain remains the same. Everytime I think of it, I feel numb to the core. Well, there's nothing much I can do about it when 90% of everything around me reminds me of a person. Even the song playing in the background, theme song for that bread anime, can't remember the title. Thinking of how I used to chat bout it. I suck I know.

To quote what someone once said to me "People can make choices, you just choose to make it harder for yourself" Guess she was right. Haha. I should've listened to her right from the start :O