Once again

I can feel it coming, slowly creeping. The darkness that'll consume me. What an awesome way to end the year.

I can feel it already, I can't breathe, I can't think. I want nothing more than to just.. fade away into the shadows.

Vroom Vroom

Omg driving complicated max. Way to many things to keep tab on, kept going off centre, and worrying bout the number of vehicles on the road, and changing gear, and clutch, and accelerator, and brakes, and free gear, and blablablabla.

AHHHHHHHH

In darkness, a light shines dimly

"Cause I've seen love die way too many times"

Never dwindle on the past. But what if you can never escape it, and it haunts you from day to day despite your best efforts to put up a good face and keep a smile on your face? In time, it wears you down and you're constantly breaking down, without any warning whatsoever. Sigh, guess it's still etched somewhere deep in my mind, to never forget the one person I had ever cared about this much, the one I would do anything for, the one I would try my best even though it was never enough. The one very same person.. who had forgotten I had ever existed.

I miss that person. Sometimes, it hurts a lil bit, it seems I had put it all behind me. Sometimes, I'd just remember certain things I did for her, and all it would take is 1 sentence, or looking at a place, or just reminiscing. To me, her name is virtually taboo, and I always hated it when someone mentions her. I'd get messed up way too bad. Ironically enough, when someone starts talking bout her, I'd follow suit, and I'd go on and on. Funny how I'll tell someone to stop, before continuing the conversation myself.

All those times I was down, she was always there. The one person who could ever cheer me up, the one I always believed in, the person I trusted most. I never asked for much, a simple conversation would have sent me into a wave of euphoria for at least a few days. On the contrary, it takes just as little to send me spiralling into depression. When you get affected this much by a person, it's kinda a really.. Obvious sign you feel smth.

Silence is what hurt the most. Every single day I'd stay up late, just to have a simple chat. Guess it kinda became a routine of mine. And yeah she knew how to hit where it hurt most. Days grew into weeks, weeks into months. There was no sign of her. Then again, after what I had did the day before the silence began, who could blame her for her actions? I'd stare at my phone, waiting for hours and hours to no avail, there was no turning back. Till this day, I feel this is the reason my antagonism towards her is this strong. I had screwed up the one chance I had. She had tried (I suppose) to go back to normal, but I did nothing but gave her the cold shoulder. "I know you're emo now, I don't wanna disturb you. Cheer up and take care", t'was the very LAST sentence I had ever received before 6 months of isolation.

The weird part is, after those 6 months. I actually managed to talk to her again.. Once. By a very lucky chance. There was no other time she would be alone, I wouldn't have dared approach her. A conversation that lasted a grand total of.. 10 seconds which consisted of 3 lines. Being me, I ran off. Whee! I feel like such a coward. but still, the depression left for a week. I was able to smile again, genuinely.

BOOM! The silence came again, I have no idea why. Guess I'm just someone to be toyed around with. Nothing more than the object of someone's fancy, to be tossed aside at any moment once they got bored with it. Another 4 months of silence. It did nothing but fuel my growing hatred and repulsion. Although I could never hate perfection.

"Love brings memories nobody can erase"
The 24th. I'll remember it, as long as I live. The very day my whole life changed, I'll remember every detail, I mean.. How could I ever forget? Leaving that day, my heart raced, my thoughts were cloudy, the only thing I could ever think about was that smile and the anticipation to see the very same smile the next day..

2009's drawing to a close, the worst year of my life is coming to an end. Sometimes I wish I had never gone through any of this, but this is what made me who I am today.

As 2010 approaches, I want nothing more than to put my past behind me. I wanna just lock up every thought I have of her, and store it in a little box and throw away the key. It'll be a new year, a new day, and most importantly, a new life and a new beginning for me.

I can talk all I want but I doubt I can really achive it. I miss her :(

*god I write alot when I'm depressed

Xmas at Sam's

Went over to Sam's place for xmas party. T'was a pretty fun experience, lawls.

Went to Gazi's house 1st, where Jon picked both of us up. It was raining :D And yeah, once we got there, got the reaction I was expecting from Sam. Ahahaha. "Omg lala zai" meh.
Mm, went straight to.. fooooooood. As usual, formed our "circle formation" and started chatting away, and what better place to camp than right next to the table full of food. ahahaha :D

Then it was.. Eating, eating, drinking, sitting down, walking, eating. You get the idea.
Went into Sam's new house, lawls. This is what Sam said about why the new house was built :
"Initially, my mum and aunt wanted to go gardening, after they retire. So we bought the land right beside our house, over huge garden. Then my mum said, 1 big garden not so nice, we should have smth in the middle, a gazebo. Then, a small gazebo not that nice la. Maybe we make it slightly bigger. I think we make smth like a glass house la. After that.. Why don't we make it 2-storeys, it'll still take up the same amount of space. Then.. Why don't we make it a guest house since got 2 storeys and a room upstairs. Since it's a guest house, why don't we add in a living room, a kitchen, etc etc etc."
So.. basically, the whole house is his gazebo. Rofl!

Then there was the epic blanket game, the exact same one we played at Bw's place the year before. Everyone was split into 2 groups was divided by.. 2 people holding up a blanket. So.. the main idea is to send someone.. aka "the sacrificial lamb" up front. And when the blanket is dropped. The lamb has to say the other lamb's name. The 1st one to say the other's name wins and the loser joins the opposing side. And this goes on and on and on and on..... and on and on.. on and on until there is nobody left on 1 side. So.. Since none of us knew anyone there.. yay for us.

Then it was random chit chat, watching people caroling, blablabla. Then Sam, Nabeel and I took turns playing guitar and singing random songs. Ahhaa.

Well.. It was quite fun. And today.. Beng Way's xmas party. hahah

Disorientated and confused.

Sigh, this is really weird.. Why am I feeling down?

Continued

011008

It's the one that hurts the most.

Haunted

18 march 08.

Why am I remembering this now? I have no idea, it just came back.

I'll wait

for you.

It's been 3 days straight.. of nightmares.

1st of all. Merry Christmas to everyone! :)

Went Sunway College to register today for Aus Mat. Yeap, Jan 04, college will be starting (for me and whoever else is going in January) So basically.. holidays are almost over, again. :(

It's been awhile since I've felt like this

Everything's ok, nothing feels broken.

I remember the times.. Pain was a constant friend of mine. Every so often, I'd just start hyperventilating, and I couldn't breathe properly. Seriously felt like just crawling into a corner and letting it overcome me. Meh. Though normally it takes a pretty strong trigger for that.

Speaking of which, I just saw it again. ARGH. Great, I had to stone awhile looking at it to trying to make out the person in the pic. "Hmm.. it looks like... no.. wait.. it is.. Oh shit" Then BOOM. Ouch, it hurts. Real bad.. Even after all this while =(

Good Luck to those taking their PMR results today.

Or rather.. now.

Old Town White Coffee

Yeap, it sure tastes kinda nice. Rofl.

Had lunch at old town today with May-Wen, Beng Way, Edwin, Kai Xiang, Chee Chew, Annie. Gawd old town is far from my place. Took over 10 mins to cycle there. :O T'was kinda fun.. I suppose. It's good to finally get outta the house.

After lunch, we were all trying to decide where to go. cc suggest mw's place. Then he said Sam's place. (no idea why). Then.. randomly thinking of places before we went to.. nowhere. rofl.

Ah, I have no idea why I feel so lazy to write posts these days..

You try to move on

but you're still perfecting failure.

God, I'm so pissed right now. Why the little time I get to play these days are filled with epic shit lag??? GOD DAMMIT! Every single day, I'm dragged over doritis house. Yeah I am very well aware I should visit my grandparents. But c'mon! Drag me there and hold me there for up to 7 hours a day? !@#$%^&* And always during the afternoon where there isn't any kind of lag if I were to play. Now. Fck shit, spam skill. No dmg, BOOM kiss floor I'm dead. For no apparent reason. ~!@#$%^&*

In unrelated news, I'll describe it as a wound. Like those you get when you cut yourself (no, not the stupid emo cut yourself). Initially it hurts.. Then slowly the pain fades. Then your blood clots. However sometimes the wound's too deep and it takes a longer time to heal. In time, the pain will cease, but the scars left behind will never dissappear.

God I'm speaking shit, and I'm damn pissed.

Career Guidance Workshop

Yes, as the title shows, I went for a career guidance workshop today, being as clueless about almost everything as I am.

Went over to Beng Eu's place at 8. He was going as well. Man, it's been awhile since I last saw him. The course was located at... demdemdem! Bandar Puteri! *gasp*. Well.. That's what I initially thought. Turns out there's also a Bandar Puteri in Puchong. It's the Puchong one. Beng Way (Beng Eu's bro, not to be confused with the noobcake class monitor of 5sc1) was nice to enough to drive us there. Lmao. Beng Eu's friend, Kan Kiat (uhh.. it's spelt that right..? =x) also went. So in total there was 3 of us..

And 3 of us made up.. half the group who attended. rofl. The grand total of participants was... 6. Ahahaha. 3 of us, a pair of twins (Kenrick and uhh.. I forgot the other twin's name) and also a boy named Azman were the people who went. The 1st part of the workshop was.. Finding out who you are. Yes, it was.. smth like that. lmao. And also smth about journeying from the known world (today) into the unknown world (tomorrow).

Yeah yeah it sounds kinda.. meh.. now. Ah well. Lunch break from 12.30 - 1.30. Went over to the conviniently located Giant across the street and KFC :DDDD God the chicken's literally drenched in oil.

Session 2 was from 1.30 to 4.30. With breaks in between. The place had some really nice snacks :D

Enrich! which was the centre's name. lol.

Blablabla. I'm done for today. Tomorrow will be the 2nd day of the workshop. Guess it'll be another tiring day..

Perfect World

isn't that great after all.

It's just the same as Cabal and Shaiya.. Or quite similar to both..
Only.. it isn't as much fun playing it.. for stupid reasons.

The two lines that I said. That 1 moment. It's stuck in my head.

You were my greatest mistake

I fell in love with your sins, your littlest sins.

Sigh.. This is so boring.. I need smth to do.

I'm addicted to her

Because that girl is just like me.

Went to Sunway yesterday, my 1st outing after SPM. Felt stangely just like any other outing. LoLx. But 1st had to get over to school to drop off the remaining books.It went a lot faster than I expected. Ash got screwed cause pn. reetha thought he lost his book :D

Got over to Sam's place after that. Jon fetched both me and Ash.. and also jw who we saw walking to school. It was already 10 or so, and Sam was still in bed. Not strange, seeing it IS Sam :D. Just hung around for almost 2 hours waiting for Gazi to get up and get his ass over to Sam's place as well playing HoN and whatnot.

Sunway. Me, Sam, Gazi, jw, wk, Ash, Jon, wy a.k.a. lala zai. Went to watch Ninja Assassin :DDDD
The week before that we watched Ninja, which was also another ninja movie (durh). LoLness.
Ran into Shane as well. "So guys, you all going to watch Moonlight?" that was the 1st thing he said LOL. The movie was.. quite entertaining, and somewhat gory. The amount of blood was just >.>. $15,555,999.90!!!

Then... CC! Cause the stupid pool was full and overcrowded. Spent almost an hour there playing.. DotA! The ancient game. God, it was friggin slow compared to HoN. Then.. Went back to pool.

Dinner at Mr. Tepanyaki. Or however you spell that. Was okay considering my 1st time eating there.

Blablabla I feel damn lazy to write.

For some reason I'm starting to find writing blog posts really.. tedious and somewhat repetitive.

All of the stars are fading away

Try not to worry, you'll see them someday.

This is it, the end. The end of SPM, the end of my school life, the end of 11 years of wearing school uniform, the end of all the "tension" I've been through the past year.

Somehow I feel I should be happier. Yet I'm not.

I'll be your man

Take me as I am. I just wanna be with you.

Today was the first day I spent without playing HoN, thanks to Plant Vs Zombies lolololol.
Tomorrow's Chemistry.. Smile! =D hahaha~! It'll be the last day of exams.. and plus, IT'S CHEMISTRY. I could never be more prepared ! =DDD
Or so I hope..

Plants Vs Zombies

One word. ADDICTIVE!

HAHAHAHA, it's just like.. tower defence.. with plants LOL.

Chem in 2 days, I really shouldn't be playing. But hey, it's chem :)

Fireflies

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep.

Planned a group study today. All that's left is Chemistry, why don't we try to study and ace it? :D
Went to McD at 12 (after losing a game thanks to lalazai) so yeah. Attempted studying for about.. almost 2 hours, which consisted mostly of eating, and talking random crap about HoN. Strike 1.

Then went over to Sam's house. Using wk's bike. cause I was going over to kx's place to pick up his external hardrive or whatever you call it, for Sam to backup all his files as mine is full and really annoying to remove from my comp. Was almost there when Sam called and told me kx was out. great.. just awesome. I called back to WY and the rest and asked should I come back, but he told me "Nvm la we waiting for jw to finish eating, you go 1st la" So I went ahead. Went to Sam's house. Random chitchat. Then he showed me some random game "Plants vs Zombies" Dude give me that game it's friggin' awesome! LoL!!

Then the rest got there. And as usual wk in his usual manner, appears enraged I took his bike and went ahead without returning it to him by going ALL THE WAY back to McD rushed me as aggresively as possibly, attempted to throw me over the railing at the stairs before pinning me to a wall. And of course you could hear ash in the background "I have nothing to do with this!!" before running off. As angry as I might have felt, didn't bother fighting back, was way too tired from cycling all the way to Sam's place. Let him enjoy his moment. Put simply.. Might as well throw the dog a bone. And I meant that in a completely metaphorical way.

Then we spent the next.. hour or so before Jon and Gazi came, watching Sam take zombies out with his army of plantlife. Strike 2.

DemDemDem!! Let's all go watch a movie!! NINJA!! Guess you can assume what happened next. The next 2 hours of nothing but watching blood and gore. Whee. Strike 3.

Failed study attempt. AGAIN.

FEAR THE ABANDONED TOILET SEAT OF DEATH!

Careful

December's here. It came a lot faster than I thought it would. Only have 2 days left including today to read up 2 years worth of physics, better make it count.

Currently in a delicate state of peace of mind. I've learnt my lesson, I know better than to try to mess myself up on purpose. I may be able to keep myself together, it's better to not risk anything stupid. Least I know now that all is not lost. Feels kinda strange to feel relax. =)

I'm not alone

Cause you're everywhere to me.

Bio's over today, meaning there's only 2 subjects left for me to do in SPM, physics and chem.
It also signifies the end of another thing to me. Somehow, I couldn't careless. I'm kinda torn up inside again. Although for a very brief moment, everything seemed right. The pain ceased, the numbness went away and I felt all of the weight that's been on my mind just dissappear.

It felt good to be at ease, so at ease. I'm gonna miss that feeling.

Boy Meets Girl (And Vice Versa)

FM Static is awesome :)

Well, the past few days have been rather.. uneventful. Finally downloaded HS5. Stupid overlarge installer. Sigh. Well, it's fun to try out smth new after months of nothing but HoN. Doubt I'll ever get addicted, that's the last thing I need now. Just gotta wait till SPM is over, that's less than 2 weeks from now. Awesome, no? Also goes to show how time flies.

Feeling kinda weird now. This is the time whatever dream I had the night before should start making it's way back into my conscious mind. Okay, I remember now. Ouch, that dream hurt. In a metaphorical way, lmao.

HighStreet 5

Well.. I needed something new to try out. Getting sick of HoN, it's practically playing DotA.

And I'm also sick of MMORPGs. Cabal, Shaiya, blablabla. Takes way too much time to play.

Only problem now is HS5 overhuge installation file. 1.9GB. Epic shit, took me whole day to dl and I still haven't gotten it. Sigh. Tried an alternative method, but I highly doubt that'll work. No reply anyway, just what I expected.

EDIT : God I suck at this game XD

Stupidity

Sigh, my heart actually leaped for that stupid reason. Must resist.

Ouch, I felt that one. Right through me, again.

Come to think of it, I would actually get down on my knees and grovel. If I was asked to, I seriously wouldnt mind.

Through hell for you

Approximately 59 days left to go. Sigh, I have no idea it's already been so long. It's November for goodness sake! This time I shall stick to my resolve, 59 more days of brooding. Then no more. I WILL NOT TAKE ANY F*CKIN MORE OF THIS SHIT!!

Hopefully this time it works. A year each huh.. 1 for trying and another for brooding. Guess I should just put this behind me. Maybe it can be done, I'll no longer see whatever will trigger me to go into a state of.. subconscious hyperventilation. It'll feel good to finally be able to breathe properly again.. It felt like hell. What I went through. Although it may not be as bad compared to some people, to me it was the worst possible moment in life I had to live through. I've only been through it once and sure enough, I messed up horribly.

Once again. Take a deep breath, let out a huge sigh.

Listening to Two Is Better Than One by BLG and Taylor Swift..
"I still remember what you wore on that first day".. ironically I still do, white collared t-shirt, jeans. Yay, I'm letting everything invade the silent peace I had.

Additional Mathematics

was easier than I expected. Actually had almost an hour to spare after paper 2. Paper 1.. Lol no need say la breezed through. If I don't know how to do it, I don't see the point of stoning at the same question. So just randomly bullshit the 1st thought that came to mind.

There's a 4 hour break in between both papers. Yes, this is the part you exclaim your shock at the ridiculously long break. So went over to sam's place. 10 of us. To.. "study" add math 2. Strangely enough, against all odds, and a lot of chocolate, we did quite a alot.. Compared to normal la...

PIZZA FTW

Next monday.. will be THE LAST DAY. Sigh.. After years of knowing her, it'll be the last day I'll ever see her. Maybe it's a good sign.. or I'm just in denial again.

Private?

I'm thinking about making my blog private. Don't want random people to start reading the things I write here. :O

Just gonna think it over, and decide once I figure out how to actually make it private.

Let me know if you want to like.. be an invited reader or whatever you call it. Just in case I miss anyone out :)

Suddenly I feel sad.. Sigh.. Just realised that next monday will be THE LAST DAY I will ever see that person. Great Kino, just great. Look what you've done.

You're so selfish

I punch the wall as I break my fist. Papa Roach is awesome :DDDD

Back to reality, almost at the halfway mark of SPM. All that's left now is Moral, Add Math and the 3 Science subs. Been told to stop gping out early during almost every exam. It's not my fault I finish my exam fast. You're given a choice to go out for a reason.

Hmm.. This is strange.. My mind is blank.. Like.. Literally.. I'm just.. doing nothing :D

Listening to sad songs.. causes images of my past to flood back into my mind and I go into a depressive state. And yet.. I enjoy it.. The feeling of knowing you failed and there's nothing you can do about it. It just consumes me.. I never realised how 1 person could wreck me up so badly. Had I known.. I would have stayed away.

Agape

Agape is love that expresses itself through altruism, or making sacrifices for another person. Unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love. The highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection, non-sexual affection.

Sadistic hope

Slowly, pieces of my memories are coming back to me. Guess whatever happened in the initial six months didn't register on my mind. I barely have any recollection of living through this year. Why'd I acted the way I did? I should have pretended that nothing was wrong. The very day after, it was still salvageable. But noooooo, I had to act all idiotic and talk in such an idiotic manner. It was the turning point, which sent everything that mattered in my life downhill. "I know you're emo now, take care" More or less that was the last phrase. Then came the silence. It was torturing, burning me inside. For days on end, the pain wouldn't go away. Of course, there was no way I could get in touch, t'was obvious I was being avoided. I kinda realised it after a week without the signing in message. She was about as addicted to the internet as I was.

At some point, I remember a time I attempted reconciliation. I remembered the apology, and the 10 second convo a few days after that. For a moment everything went back to normal. Then, it came crashing down again. This is the part I do not remember. I have no idea what triggered me to start being the one who's avoiding instead of being avoided. My mind's been telling me all sorts of things that I could use to piece into the situation. I could no longer tell right from wrong.

And then, that date came, the one I could never forget even if I wanted to. How could I when it's been etched so deeply into my mind? Was it 12 am..? Seriously hate it when I can't remember as well as I used to.. Oh.. Yeah, it was 12. I remember ignoring my parents and insisting on staying up. Then the reply came as I was about to fall asleep. I didn't anticipate one. I know that having hope was only going to hurt myself in the end. Maybe there was a tear in my eye, but it was one of the most relaxed I have ever felt when I read what was written.

Of course, sooner of later my mind just turned that whole thing around. I keep feeding myself with lies and deception, I fell right back into avoiding again. Somehow I convinced myself it was a lie and I would fall deeper into the trance. Either way, I was never out of it so there really wasn't much point trying.

Pockets of memories are still missing. Thinking back, I realised how lifeless I must have looked. Sigh.

Day 3 / 300

Ironic how both days match up like that. Didn't realise it's already been 300 days since then. Anyways, sat for EST today. I wonder why it's even given such a long time. Paper 1, done in 30 mins. Paper 2, done in 15. Well, so far it's been smooth sailing. 4 exams down, 6 to go.

The pain didn't burn as much as it normally does. Yeah I still felt the stabbing pain, but this time without the numbness. The slight jumpy and happy feeling is back, it isn't a good sign. I'm starting to fall back into the trance she put me in. This is just like in June. I remember that day clearly, it was the last time I had an actual face to face convo, which lasted a mere 10 seconds and ended up with me running away.

Backwards

Day 2 of SPM...

English was awesome!! Fu-yoh they gave awesome topic, end a story with "..We said our goodbyes and went our seperate ways". Being me, I wrote that one. If only I could get my essay back.. I literally poured my soul into it. And of course if you read it, you'd notice certain things which are.. well basically you'd know where I got the ideas from and who the characters were. Swt.

HISTOREEEEE. OMGGGG. DAAAAI.
or so I thought...?
Came out an hour early. HAHA IN YOUR FACE HISTORY PAPER!

I had to come out early. I felt uncomfortable and needed to desperately get out of the hall. Just rushed through my last few sentences. I think I know why though. It's always the same cause anyways. And as usual after that, thought it was ok. But no, of course it wouldn't be, that'd be too convenient. Went to grab my bag and literally ran out of the area. I hate it when my mind is drawn towards 1 place while my legs start carrying me in the completely opposite direction. It was well.. I don't know how to describe it. But I saw the cold expression, it sent chills down my spine. I didn't want to go anywhere near although my mind ached to.

Sigh, once again complaining about the same thing I never had the guts to face. Go figure.

My last words

"Enjoy yourself, I gtg liao. Sleep. Lol. Hopefully don't collapse, if then then TH tomorrow. Nights"

Couldn't see crap since both were black fonts. Damn hard to tell the difference. yeah, I just love inflicting pain on myself. Whee. Those were my exact last few sentences I could say before the 8 month long silence, which hasn't ended.

As time passes I'm starting to realise she isn't worth my time, but she still has a tight grip on me.

Day 1

First day of SPM. Yeah, it's finally here. Feels kinda surreal. Meh.
BM was.. kinda ok.. History.. also ok. Tomoro = gg.

Strangely enough the numbness wasn't so bad today. It remained at a tolerable level. Stranger still, it felt kinda.. relaxing.. as opposed to the usual hate and despair it causes to look. Sigh.

Spent an hour after getting out of bm exam doing.. nothing. I just sat at the dewan.. staring at the rain. wtf? Ugh, sometimes.. I just.. get annoyed by the rain however relaxing it may be, reminds me of better days. Coincidentally, every significant day I spent.. was raining.

Judgement Day

In less than 11 hours, SPM will start. This is gonna be a hellish month.

Then again maybe I'm already in hell.

As usual, while inconspicuously looking at my older facebook apps, I stumble across something which would make my day just.. go downhill. Yay for Stickers, awesome app.

You made me this way, and even you can't pull me out now. I don't believe what you said. I felt the icy cold stare pierce right through me. So what if you were telling the truth? I'll never recover, every little thing you do affects me one way or the other and never in a positive way.

Isolation

They won't understand, nobody will understand. The things that I do, the way I act, the things I fear. The only way for someone to understand is for them to have gone through the exact things themselves. They can say all they want, it won't change me. Only one person's opinion had ever really mattered anyway.

Those 3 words are said too much

You weren't there when I was spiralling into depression and yet I still less than 3 you.

Grad

Pictures and videos up on facebook. I'm too lazy to post about it. No mood.

And so another day passes in silence.

"It creeps in like a spider, it can't be killed although I try and try to. Don't you see, I don't wanna love you but I do"

Reading chat history can be fun sometimes, reminds me of better days, and really annoying times where I had to highlight chat. swt ==

Conclusion

This is it, there is absolutely no chance of reconcile whatsoever. This is screwed up so bad, I don't even give a fuck no more. Yeah, I'm a coward and do nothing but run away. I don't give no fuck bout what anyone says. If things between me and her are already so screwed up, I might as well fuck it up more. Whee.

Graduation Day today. Can't believe this is the end already. Sigh. Well.. Everything went well, or rather I was able to keep myself sane for most of the day. That is until.. Well, I don't have to say it, everyone who was around me knows already anyway. Phased out and stared blankly into space for 30 mins. Whee~

Envy and Rage is overwhelming my thoughts.

I'll make a post about grad later. Can't find USB for camera.

If having feelings only lets us feel pain, won't we be better off without them?

Edit : Oh fuck, why does that face have to be practically everywhere I look. Whee, just goes to show don't go to random blogs. FUCK NOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT AGAIN.

"I'll pay you to be my driver.. Whoever got car first must bring out k, deal"

That remains the fondest memory I have of how close I used to be. And of course my awesome friend had to interrupt me.

You may have tried to convince me I was despised, but I don't believe you. I can't even look you square in the eye anyway. I'll just continue being in denial. You can't pull me out, not anymore. After the way you cut a wound so deep it'll never heal despite all my efforts. I'll never forget, and probably never forgive, both myself and you.

Awesome, the beginning of yet another breakdown. And now there'd be a total of.. 8 + 5, 13 breakdowns. woohoo.

Two hundred forty thousand one hundred and eight. That's the number, the beginning of my end.

Last minute preparations

I can't think of much to write. Nothing much has been happening everyday besides the whole "omg spm is so near" and whatnot. Yeah, next Wednesday, it'll be Judgement Day for every single 17 year old / form 5 / tards who failed spm and are resitting it = wtf.

So in the spirit of studying, me, ash, gazi, jw, went over to sam's place in an attempt to.. "group study". Turns out the only way we could study was to all be in 1 place. Cause if we weren't, and we were all in our houses, we would ALL be online, and HoNing. Rofl max. So yeah, gathered up, internetless place, then focus on nothing but studying. Sounded like a good idea, no?

Well.. The idea is good, the execution sucked. Rofl. Went over at about 11. It took us like.. 10 minutes to actually decide on where we should study. When we finally decided, took us another 10 minutes to decide what to study, add math or history. hahah! Well.. We sat down and actually focused.. for about.. an hour or so. Lmao, then the whole chatting about random stuff began. Then everyone complained about being hungry and raiding Sam's fridge for Freddo (it's friggin awesome chocolate) and Sam ordered pizza. So yeah, did about an hour of study, then went to look at Sam's dogs while waiting for pizza. (I knew we'd get sidetracked)

Mmm... Pizza... Drool.. And of course, "Dey, let's watch a movie while eating pizza. Aiya a movie at most also 1 and a half hours la" So you can basically guess what happened next. IP MAN. ROFL

T'was an awesome movie with epic fight scenes :DDD

Went back to studying for.. 10 minutes..

Overall.. Failed study plan. ROFL

Statistics

Let's be realistic I'm more than a statistic to you and it hurts so deep inside. Maybe I'm sadistic, I love when you inflict it on me.

Yeah, getting obsessed with Madina Lake all over again. There's only so much time left till SPM. Sigh, I'm barely prepared.. Although I think it won't be that bad.. Just gotta weather the first week cause there's where all the killer subs are.. namely History.

Life's pretty much the same old routine. Get up, get ready for school/breakfast (depending on whether I'm going to school or not) while trying to remember whatever dream I had last night, waste time at school/home. Then scramble to my computer and come online trying to find someone to bug. There's hardly anyone on that I talk to now. I used to bug everyone :(
I think the total people I actually talk to online now is.. Around 5 people.. Give or take another 2.
No wait.. that was way back. Now.. 1 to 3. Whee. As usual wasted the whole day today doing almost nothing, god I feel so guilty now. =.=

School was okay though, strangely enough. Attempted to study an hour before recess, did some add math, talked crap with Edwin. Speaking of which, I hate having recurring dreams at times.. and dreaming inside a dream. Ever got one where you woke up from a dream and went through a whole day just to get up again and realised it was another dream? There was the shopping mall, watching everyone go to out of school, and a hell lot more I wish I didn't remember, like the stupid one wk mentioned to me. Ugh, it's so annoying. And considering the crap I dream of, I seriously can't tell what has happened and what hasn't. Well, Edwin say dreams are related to the way a person thinks.. And I think way too complicatedly. From past experience, I tend to get paranoid and make a big fuss out of the tiniest of matters.

I don't even know why I'm writing this post.. probably trying to get some practice on writing before SPM. Yes, I fail, I already know, it would seem I just fail at anything I try. Then again, after so long, I've kinda gotten used to dissapointment. *sad face*

Happy 17th to Sam

Once again, happy birthday to you, Samuel Chew Pak Kheong, otherwise known as dam rich fella, X4mu3l, feedercake, K1ll3rM0nk3y. lmao~

It's been 4 years since I've known you :D And it's been an awesome 4 years since then. Since the day you walked into class and thrashed the cupboard (yes, I doubt I'll forget this) the 1st week and of course.. In form 2 "No! Mr. President, don't sit, there might be a bomb!"
Ahhahahaha, good times.. good times..

Sometimes I just wanna scream

Ugh, didn't know I was still capable of jealousy. Why am I always the gutless one. Zzz, is this really all I can ever do? I always screw everything up. First with zz and now with zz. Ugh. For the 1st time the second's making me go through what I felt with the 1st.

Here we go again, the feeling of being punched in the chest. or is it heartache? :O
Strange.. normally I require a visual trigger..

Boredom

This post is entirely out of boredom.. among other things.

Ever felt real shocked surprised blablabla? Well, got downstairs after studying/gaming. Looked out my door and wtcrap~!

Saw a new car in the porch. :OOOOO~! Mum said it's gonna be mine in 3 years :OO. That's long.. not even sure if I'm really gonna get that but yay!

Lmao, found that lying in my guitar bag :O I actually completely forgotten about it. Whee Daughtry lanyard :DDDDDDD VIP

Stationary

It's the one that means standing still, not the one about pencils and whatnot.

It's been almost 10 months. If I can live 10 months like this, who's to say I won't go another 10 months, or years. There's ups and downs, but the pain remains the same. Everytime I think of it, I feel numb to the core. Well, there's nothing much I can do about it when 90% of everything around me reminds me of a person. Even the song playing in the background, theme song for that bread anime, can't remember the title. Thinking of how I used to chat bout it. I suck I know.

To quote what someone once said to me "People can make choices, you just choose to make it harder for yourself" Guess she was right. Haha. I should've listened to her right from the start :O

Every story has two sides

And this is mine. Urgh, I'm sure I've mentioned how much I hate it the more I reminisce about better days. Yeah it just reminds me about how sucky things are now. Ever since February, my English essay standards have dropped by a hell lot. Why am I saying this? Well it's because of the way most of my essays lean toward "emoish" essays and although I have alot of write about, it never comes out right and neither do I seem to be able to find the words to continue. And I just reread my January essay, it r not emo at all! Holy motha! And it was friggin nice to read, for some reason. Ugh.. And here I thought I wrote better now. No idea what the hell am I saying.

Whee it's 11pm. And I'm here at home. I missed both AAR and Simpsons Halloween marathon, thanks to everyone who couldn't come and also HoN respectively. Sigh, so much for 1 last attempt at enjoying smth before SPM. Daughtry, Archuleta.. Sigh, I remember both concerts.. Both lacked.. well I don't have to say it cause there is absolutely no possibility I will ever ask for ...... again. Meh.

Rain.. No idea why I'm mentioning this.. maybe it was the essay I wrote on rain.. Hence the above paragraph about essays which mine sucked really bad. WTH AM I SAYING?!
And yes, it remains THE very best time I had ever had in my life.. Thanks a bunch Gazi, you had to ruin it. 11008 find out the meaning of the numbers yourselves. Meh

Zzz another day passed, another day down the drain. For some reason I feel that at some point in my life, I am going to hate wk right down to the very core. I have no idea why.. Or perhaps I do and it's nagging in the back of my mind. Well, I wouldn't miss him anyway, he is THE most epic fail person I've met anyway. I just need that visual trigger.

"She fuckin' hates me" Yeah, love that line.

Last but not least..

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Dearest love, I hope this message find you well

Ugh, I hate stuttering and forgetting everything I wanted to ask. Yikes! Guess that'll always happen. Ahh Going school tomoro~! Oh noez!

A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself trying to fix it. True, no?

It's the pain all over again

I was wondering what the hell pushed me as far as hatred last time. Well, I guess I figured that out today. Maybe it's me acting up again, or maybe I will never change that fact I'll have to live with the rest of my school life. Yes, school life, cause probably by the time school ends I never ever have to put up with it again. Ugh, gawd I feel so stupid for trying to change. One glance, that was all it took to completely screw up my mood for the entire day. It didn't help one bit that with all the walking I did in school today, that person kept popping up every now and then. As much as I try to divert myself, I can't help but look out the corner of my eye.

And so the running begins again. Ugh, Gazi's right. Walking into the class normally would have been much subtler. The moment I saw.. I don't have to say it.. Walkin my way. Just jumped right into class like whatever was coming was smth life-threatening. Ugh, and I stupidly rushed past with my head turned aside so I couldn't see anything. So what if I act like an idiot? Maybe deep down I want to act stupid just to somehow.. I don't know. I don't feel much now. It's just.. a numbness. Gone is all the tingling and adrenaline rushes, the feeling that absolutely nth can go wrong when I'm around that person. It's more of.. Well I can't really describe it.. A weight.. A really persistant and annoying one that won't stop bugging me. Let's not forget the pain it causes. Sigh. I can't tell if I hate her or myself more now.

Random thought : "I thought she'd help fill up the hole inside me. Turns out she was carving another hole inside me." Familiar? Meh, just modified it from some book I read.

Stranger

Don't know why I do the things I do. I'm gonna lose another friend by the end of this year anyway. That.. I'm certain.

You're the only one who knew me

Went to school today, didn't expect that big of a crowd since the day to return textbooks was tomorrow. Surely enough by the time I got there, my class line was.. literally empty. :O
But soon enough people actually showed up, thank god I wasn't gonna be alone the whole damned day.

Spent most of the time in school lepak-ing in the library. The block where my class was.. just so happened to have no electricity. Yippee! So yeah, went to enjoy aircond in the library. And I had a really annoying headache after reading history for over an hour. SEE IT KILLS YOU

Only 22 days left till SPM. I really should be studying way more than I actually do. Sigh. Well.. About 2 months left of school. Then it's goodbye, once and for all. To a few things.. more than school. Guess I should be glad I'll never ever see a certain face again. Oh crud, there's 1 more occasion I'll be forced to put up with it and hopefully survive the day. I can already imagine the sharp piercing pain I'm gonna feel. And it ain't no joke, especially not on that day. The angel of death, or rather, my death. Maybe I'm exxagerating, but my sanity is definately gonna be on the brink of collapse. I'm weak.

Inspiration

Just re-read new moon. Well, needed to refresh my memory abit, before I go and watch the movie sometime after SPM. Don't wanna be like when I watched Twilight completely blur about all the characters, stories and whatnot. And also I needed to find ideas for future essays. New Moon is full of depressing stuff, which is perfect and just what I need. I completely feel Bella's pain.

Ok wth? I r crapping lmao.

Don't be so scared, it's harder for me

Gawd today was a friggin' long day. Woke up at 7 (IT'S A SATURDAY) and got ready for a grueling 6 hours of amali / teori blablabla whatever you'd like to call it which is needed for the L license. It's for a driver's license if you were wondering. Ash had asked me to go on Thursday so we could get done earlier, and + we could enjoy today being a weekend, my parents went back hometown. I could have played the entire day. But no, stupid wk just had to say the 1 thing I disliked to hear and claimed that on Thursday that would happen. So yeah, said absolutely no to Thursday ! :)
Well Saturday was sacrificed instead. Went for breakfast at NTS, and being the usual wk. He just suddenly apparated outta nothingness behind me and ash were looking for smth to eat.
FEAR TEH WK AND ALL HIS SNEAKYNESS~!

So yeah, stoned at the centre for 6 hours. It was divided into 2 sessions. 3 hours each. Theory in the class / Practical out in the circuit. Though it said circuit, it was basically in a hut. Where we were explained about how the test would be conducted blablabla. T'was a fun experience. We each had to start a car. Sounds easy, no? Well apparently starting the car itself could cost you 7 marks in the JPJ exam. There were several steps you had to follow meticulously =/
Meh, if I write about everything detailly that'd be stupid, and just not me. So I'll just skip everything :D!

Thought of the day : "He's right, I would be much better off not trying ever again. There's too much at stake. And I definately won't be the only one aiming at the prize. There'd be other people. So let's just be a coward like I always am and just run away from everything. It'll be much better if it was someone else suffering what I once suffered instead of me going through everything again. I'll just give the last ticket to someone else. KAREPPE! Let's go stare at chick's skating again.. oh wait.. It ain't at sunway this time. DANG!"

Holy damn I r haz flashback! Tiz why I think SAW? DAMN YOU LA GAZI KACAU ME DURING MY HAPPIEST TIME OF THAT DAY.

Restless

And yet another day as passed with it's lack of change. I'm still lazing around doing almost nothing even though SPM is practically around the corner. Meh. I'm so doomed, so far I've only done history ==

Gazi is a tard. Yes, you, GAZI. Thanks to you, I've done what I've been trying to avoid. This sealed it, I'm gonna be stuck in the dam cycle again. Time to go back to what I once was, some stupid kid who always kept to himself. Argh, dammit. I can feel that numbing feeling already, great.

Happy Burfday Biatch

The failcake, the constant annoyance, the tard who's constantly blur and can't read between the lines. Nuff' said.

Prom Ticket Sale

You got that right! Prom tickets are now on sale, all you have to do is contact Tim- ahem Carmen Wong Kah Man at.. whatever her number is, or pm her in msn. Get yours today!

This is only a sample copy. So what are you waiting for?!

Pm her now!at scorpiogirl_carmen92@hotmail.com

(so she'll stop harassing me) Terms and conditions apply.

It'll be on the 22nd of December 2009 at Sheraton Subang. Don't miss it :D

EPIC LOL!

I just had the most epic phone conversation ever. No idea why, but I'm gonna write down what I can remember from it.

*ring*
Me : Hello?
Gazi : Hey Kino.
*few mins later*
Me : Dey, WK got say anything ytd?
Gazi : Lol la, he tell me to help him register for Dominos.
Me : Wtf? Can't he just register himself?
Gazi : Dunno la, he said he's shy. Summore can hear chinese people in the background. I think his whole family shy la.
Me : OMG LOL!!!!
*A whole minute of nonstop laughter*
Gazi : Stupid la, he call me in the morning summore while I studying sejarah.
Me : Then?
Gazi : So I called up Dominos la. The most epic shit ever. I told the dude "Can I register for my friend?" He asked why. I just laughed and he didn't bother anymore.
Me : HAHAHA WTF LA HE NOOB!!
Gazi : Ya la, then the guy asked "So what would your friend like to eat?"
Me : LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!
Gazi : Stupid la I had to write down his address summore. But then when he told me, he sounded dam semangat.
Me : LOL!!!
*Another whole minute of nothing but laughter*

Then it was random chit chat. omg la, Wk is.. hands down, the most epic noobcake I've met in my life.

Falling back into the same cycle

Looks at clock, it's 3:18 pm. Not much longer to go. I've been told I'm a complete idiot for doing the things I do but who gives a damn? I can't control myself anyways, there's just... A sense of longing. Which currently has already taken over 60% of me from the minuscule 5% it used to be. Put into perspective, this is a really really bad sign for me.

"You can build a life and have it broken down, you can choose a path and get turned around, you can hate yourself and fall in love again. As for me, I've lost friends, lost lovers, but I still got my soul." ~ Friends and Lovers by Madina Lake.

The Final Riot!

Woohoo!! Don't think this wave of happiness is gonna wear off at least for tonight. Even having her name being said aloud to me didn't affect crap. :D YES!! Finally, after like.. alot of searching.

THE FINAL RIOT! begins now!

Distraught

I know it's stupid. I know it's hopeless. But I'm still gonna do it. I'm forsaking the last remnants of what's left of my sanity, and reopening the gates of my hell.

17th

HAPPY SEVENTEENTH FISHY :D (^.^)/

again xD

Why'd I choose the path I chose?

It's times like these that I just sit and stare into nothingness, wondering what did I do wrong. This is gonna be one crappy post. I'm starting to realise there were 4 paths I could have chose, if only I knew then what I know now.. Would I have stuck to my choice? My pathetic choice of being escort?
Meh. I hate thinking sometimes, especially now when I miss things more then ever. Or maybe it's just the fact I'm constantly blasting depressing songs into my head. Either way, it isn't gonna change anything unless I find the will to bring myself to do smth.

1 path was fraught with despair and pain. The 2nd's existence was never known or really acknowledged. The 3rd was found after walking the 1st. The 4th was never really a possible choice. I chose to go through the pain, hoping that at the end of the road, it'll all be worth it. Sadly, it was a dead end. They were all dead ends. Now I'm left sitting in the darkness wondering what was so alluring about the one I chose. I hate the fact I see perfection in a sea of imperfection.

I have no ****in' clue what I just said. I know I write really weird things at times, but that's just me.

Undang Pwnt

Colour test 8/8. Undang 49/50. OWNAGE =D

Fear. It's a word that's constantly in my head. I've learnt to live each passing day with fear plaguing my mind. I hate it, and yet I go through it everyday. I guess the stuff that happens to you makes you who you are. Sigh, everything's coming back. This is probably the 3rd time in the past year I had to rethink what's going on in my head.

I don't want to go through what I went through again. But for unexplainable reasons, I'm just drawn to remembering all the good times I spent. It's somewhat.. enticing and it has gotten a really strong grip on my emotional state of mind. Oh great, just great. What WK said got me thinking.. I do have an extra invite.. and somewhere in the corner of my mind, I want to ask that person..
"Yeah kiddo, dream on, it's never gonna happen" I gotta remind myself over and over and over again to put this behind me. I'm reopening scars, yippee.

Ever have the feeling.. You just got hit in the chest by a cushion of air. Fear and despair just roots you to a spot. Disabled and incapable of any sort of resistance, past memories just flood your head. Okay, maybe that's just in my case. But I'm really starting to miss.. Can I say it? Nope, still can't bring myself to.

I know she hates me. I have a gut feeling that she does. I could still remember that day I looked at her. It may have just been a glance, an unintentional one. But I still felt the icy cold stare pierce right through me. What have I ever done to let things end up like this?

Yeah, I just had to write all the crap down. There's really nobody I can talk to anymore. And keeping everything in just makes everything worse. Instability takes over. Guess that's just how life is, you win some you lose a lot.

Kinoc, snailing off.

People are a waste of space

Today could very well be one of the more ****ed up days of my life. Depressed like shit now wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Everything's starting to come back again. All the tiny little details I would remember just because it concerned her. Fuck this shit, I hate myself for remembering.

KKP!!

I think that's what it was called. Some 5 hour long ceramah thing on how to drive blablabla. Basically you have to sit through it to be qualified to take Undang, which I am going to take sometime later this week :O

Garh, bored, just got home from that and also lost a damn game. Damn no mood now, so I ain't gonna crap.

Once again, 2 AAR tickets up for grabs xD.
For some reason I wanna give 1 of it to a person who never seemed to be able to make it to any other concert, but I know I'm hated enough to not even bother trying. I'd only be a nuisance.

All American Rejects

Whoo! So they're coming on 31/10. Right now.. I've got 2 extra tickets ._.
Anyone interested? I don't think I have any transport so if you can get trasnport.. Free tix for you HIHI xD

Meh.. once again I'll need to find a replacement.. 26/07/08 much?

Free AAR tickets for :
1. hot chick xD
2. transport
So basically. LOL

Laio2pt0n2h92

Sigh, so bored now, didn't study one bit.. again. Zzz la!

Stupid internet dam lag.

Quote of the day :

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Every hour, she glanced at the clock...

So on so forth. That was the title of the essay I picked today. Yeah, went school just for English, whee. Trials essay sucked hard and I needed practice, lol. Today was friggin' boring though. Went to school, moment I stepped in.. Saw.. like.. less then 50+ people present. Then I remembered Form 4's had the whole week off and the Form 3's would probably skip school till PMR, which is tomoro. Before I write about other things,

GOOD LUCK TO ALL FORM 3's TAKING PMR!

Yeap, you all are gonna need it xD

So yeah, where was I? Was suppose to start the exam day with paper 2, literature. But we got the wrong set, the same as the pre trials, turns out there was a mix up and we were delayed 30 mins as they reprinted blablablabla. And then. Wtf, we had to write essays 1st. Paper 1 swapped with paper 2, perfect. I was in no mood to write an essay, was in a.. neutral mood. To write essays.. 1st priority, a depressed mood. Lol, no seriously, I write better depressed.. I don't know why though xD Inspiration maybe?

Why did the school had to swap paper 1 and 2. Especially since the depression only came after recess. Yeah, like I could miss that head bobbin' in as though it was a sign covered in neon lights despite my hardest efforts to look in other directions.
Meh, hate myself.

So yeah, boring day. Finished literature in an hour, and spent the rest of the time reading essays that everyone else wrote.

~Ashly Ashly Ashly KAYLA Ashly~

Mere infatuation?

I seriously can't tell, is this purely infatuation? My mind's been in alot of places and I can't seem to be able to think straight. Seeing that I've experienced this a grand total of twice.. *shocked* I wouldn't exactly be able to tell the difference..

To quote a line someone once said to me :
"Love is when you aren't with the person, and you really really have that heart falling apart and missing the person so much"
Deep meaning..

It hasn't exactly reached that point. I doubt I'll ever be able to reach such a point ever again.
I've learnt that however high you climb, when you fall.. You'll fall that exact same distance all the way back down to the ground.. and when you hit the bottom, it hurts, bad. The note remains the sole reminder that such a thing has happened to me and may very well happen again.

Where's there left to go? One path leads back to a person who completely hates me in every way, the 2nd is a blurry and foggy path where everything isn't exactly as it seems, and any other choices seem to be off limits. Sigh, I guess I'm just feeling a bit down again. Kinda miss this feeling, doesn't happen very often anymore. *which should be a good sign..but..meh*

Maybe it really is just infatuation, as a desperate attempt at peace. Argh, I'm so confused now.
One thing's for sure, the fact that I still ask people "Wait.. which one are you talking about?" is a clear giveaway that I haven't put things behind me.

Snail, signing out.

Snailing around

It's 12 in the morning, no seriously.. and I'm still in front of my monitor just stoning, and of course writing this post. Omg la. Well, gonna register for driving tomoro, whatever that means.
I hate the weekends, they're oh-so-boring, unless I get a chance to go out.

Postponed

Sigh, why lar? All-American Rejects on the 10th October..

POSTPONED!!!!

And here I was getting all excited about saturday.. Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.. The only thing I hope for now is that it won't be canceled, that'd be a bummer..
And of course, I had 3 tickets, but my sis had to delete one of the messages needed to claim it.
Now I only have 2 tickets left ==

HHHHHHHAIZ. Ah well, I'm already used to screw ups.

In unrelated news, this is a time where all I can feel is nth more than a ministab, smth like an ant bite, a very annoyin one I might add. Maybe it's right, when I focus more on 1.. the other doesn't affect me as much. Kinda like being caught in the middle. When I'm closer to one side, the other affects me less. Thing is I can only move in 1 direction, the 1st one is completely off-limits, so it's either move towards 2nd or stay in the middle, which is the worst possible choice as being in the middle.. I have no way of coping with the fall from either side.

Rushed

Random blog title? Nah, a flopping fish rushed me to update. LOL! So yeah, here's a completely random post about.. absolutely nth!

HIHI AAR TIX R MINEZ WOOHOO!

Maybe it's just me.. Or I just seem to get a huge energy spike whenever smth goes right =)

1 more thing, credits to lil for the new header. You're just awesome x]

Flop flop flop flop~

Bright Lights Big City

Yes Gazi, "Everyone who reads your blog turns depressed" thank you very much. "But I laugh at the shit you write" maybe that's cause you know what I'm writing about. Why lar Gazi?

Trials finally over! Finally have a grand total of.. 3 days to relax wtf, Post trials starts on Friday, omgwtfbbq! Suck lar tiz trying to smother us with exams. Meh. Go read Jia Wei's essay if you haven't! It's f*ckin' awesome! Skyscrapers emerging from Amazon canopy wtf?

Haiz lar tiz once again I've forgotten the main depressing point of my post, thanks to wk distracting me with all the naruto questions wtf? Zzz this is starting to get reaaaaaaaaaaaaally annoying ==!

Sigh, spent 100 bucks on.. smth. The post title is the slogan? title? theme? of prom. Yes, 100 bucks gone just like that. Timun nonstop harassing me cause I didnt buy tix from her. Wth lol blame Jose ;D

Note: Me n wk have agreed she conspires to make people fail. Never EVER take Jose's advice.

LOL I know I'm evil.

Life's A Bitch

Whole fuckin day, every weak point I had left that's exposed is being attacked by everyone. What the fuck, whole fuckin day, parents telling me how I'm not taking anything seriously, how I should look courses up on the internet when I have no fuckin clue what to look for, they keep scolding me.

And yes, they picked the perfect time to start lecturing me on everything I did wrong, perfect, right after the blow I suffered yesterday, they had to add salt to my wound. Both my arms are already friggin red, fucking scratched myself in anger. Why can't I get even a single day of fuckin' peace and quiet?!

And to top it all off this was the only day I took out my books, and set my mind to it, and sat down and read history. AND THIS HAD TO FUCKIN HAPPEN.

Proves my point, there's no point to studying, all I ever get from trying to be a hardworking guy is nothing more than nagging and scolding for being a good kid. FML, I'm better off dead.

Day 591

The 591th day into the beginning of my end, the pain still drags on.. intensifying with each passing day...

How did it turn into such a mess? Everything was PERFECT. How? Why? Of all the people, why me?

DOUBLEYOUTEAEFF!!!

OH WHAT FUCK LOL CB CAKE OMG TAFAK BBQ!!

WHY DID THE 1ST THING I HAD TO SEE CLICKING ON HOME PAGE WAS THAT?!
FUCK FUCK FUCK CAN'T BREATHE.

I CAN'T FUCKIN RESIST, THAT'S TOO FUCKIN' MUCH!

owh gawd.. what have I turned into?!

Quote : "Well if she said that about you then I don't think she would care and even if she does, it would only reflect on her cruelty and she should feel guilty"

Quote : "u are the crazy, u care so fucking much over a one sided relationship. its always u doing the work rite?"

Here we are at the 24th again

I knew smth was wrong with the day. Explains alot.

*edit* I think it's getting stronger again, it's slowly taking over me.. Sigh.
"Will I ever get to see you smile again?"

p.s. I know this post is a day overdue.

It's A Mean Cycle

You know.. I'm getting really tired.. tired of pretending.. tired of hating.. maybe the whole "hate" thing was nothing but a lie to begin with, nothing more then a desperate attempt for closure. Guess I was wrong, nothing ever ends the way I wanted to anyway. All I ever do is screw up. Yippee for me!

Did I mention the flashbacks are back? Yeah, sucks. Guess the whole feeling's back huh. Jeez, I thought I was finally free of this. I can only assume as much cause now.. I can barely remember anything more then 10 minutes ago, which is exactly the same as when the depression first began.
I'm getting tired of speaking in circles, it gets hard after a while. I just feel like walking up to her, and just shouting or do whatever it is I need to do to fix this mess, I'm so tired of this. I don't hate you, I never could, I never would. Nobody could hate perfection. But I know clearly enough there's no way you would ever forgive me. Thus, I'm stuck in this situation. Having spent almost a year like this.. I've kinda gotten used to it, although it still hurts really bad everytime I think of it.

Sigh, I guess we reap what we sow. I've made mistakes, mistakes that can never be fixed.

This is bad.. Really bad

Argh, why is that face poppin up in my head again. The smile I could never resist. Dammit. This is nowhere near a good sign, especially not so long since I last bothered, gotta kill off this feeling all over again.

Fucked up and Forgotten

Whee, the world's just a bitch innit? So what if I'm a fucking asshole? I don't give no shit bout it and what I think and how I act is MY FUCKIN' CHOICE!

In other news, fuck this, I'm actually jealous?

Will We Always Say We Tried?

It's the holidays again.. Or have I already mentioned this? Meh, I ain't exactly concentration well. Have I ever mentioned how I screw up big decisions in my life everytime there's a long break from school, namely a week. Mm.. Maybe I already did.. Not that I care that is.. Just writing this cause I thought I really should update my blog since it's been quite awhile since I last wrote.. And note, I can't even remember when my last blog post was even though I've just seen the date right before clicking on the link to write this current one.

For some reason I've been having flashbacks.. Yeah, time sure flies by in an instant huh? 1 minute you're all nervous about beginning life as a schoolkid and the next.. You're staring at your last year in school and wondering whether you've left a mark on anyone you knew..

I think I was just watching tv.. If I recall correctly when BOOM, I started getting images in my head, memories came flooding back to me, and started playing.. Like some video, weird huh?
I recall being in Form 1, a time I barely knew anyone even from my own class.. I had lost contact with Gazi and practically every other classmate I once had from primary.. and of course.. the day Sam *mutters under breath*and* *.. came into class.. It was the mid of July I think.. It was one of the events that would mark a significant change in my life, for more reasons then one.. Sigh.

Then I remembered Form 2, the year I became class monitor, gawd I hated responsibility. And of course the way Gazi and Wk would harass each other everyday since they 1st day itself when they ended up seated next to each other. Those were the days eh? This was the year that set change in motion, ever since that day I had agreed to follow along to a certain event. Maybe if I had chose to stay home instead, I wouldn't have ended up this way. However at the time I suppose you could call it.. dormant? Or really really diminished, I would never had guessed what I was getting myself into.

The year was 2007.. It was PMR year for me and every other Form 3 that year. Met Ash that year. There's really little things I remember from this year.. The only few things that stand out are like.. Arm Wrestling competition in class and the price was "Teh Tariq with Breast Milk" LOL. Yes, that's what was written in Ash's book. Written by JW of course, he always comes up with this kind of crap. Then hahaha, teacher came in and caught the whole lot. Then there was English Camp. hahaha who could forget that? Probably one of the most fun events I've ever attended.

Form 4... Haha.. A year full of irony.. Sometimes I wonder why I ever picked up guitar.. and why did I accept a certain invite to play, which then required me to practice.. And of course.. out of ALL THE PEOPLE, they had to pick ME for that stupid task of being escort. Just because every single other person was either playing computer or ps2. Wow, just awesome. That was the day, the day I will never forget and will never be able to forget.. not at this rate. White collared t-shirt with a malboro logo on it, jeans. SOMEBODY PUNCH ME PLEASE. Being stuck for an hour in a spot, stationary, really wasn't good for me. Maybe it was the length of time, or maybe I had always taken notice, but whatever the reason was, there was no way I could prepare myself for what's to come.

2009, Form 5.. The present.. Wow things just went by in a flash. I couldn't even remember a single event from February up to July, guess my subconcious mind had practically died. The very last thing I could remember was.. Being taunted as I ran to the water station. If you don't know what this is about, then good. Stay that way. I was tired as hell anyway, no idea how I managed to get that energy boost... Or maybe I did.. Sometimes.. Will power conquers all. Meh.
It was a Friday, the past 5 years, it was always on a Friday, and in the morning. This being my last year, I thought I would have made an effort to at least finish in the top 100. Well, failed. As usual. Yeap, that was the very last memory I could recall before 7 months of complete ignorance and an indifferent attitude towards life. Guess things changed that day when I ran into a person at a bookshop. Cliche much? No idea what I just said.. But.. Yeah, I was slowly recovering.

Now? I'm finding myself falling back into my inddiferent attitude.. Please.. Don't let me go back there.. I've been through that and I never ever want to go through it again.. Yeap, this is when I came back to my senses. Well that's smth you don't experience everyday.

In unrelated news, I just realised how I could relate to these lines:

I'm in the catacombs of a broken heart where you used to be
when I loved you for all the reasons that you hated yourself
cause you were desperate and pathetic but just as beautiful to me
as the day you left and I became just a memory

If they sound familiar, maybe cause they're lyrics.. Sometimes I hate how much I can relate to certain lyrics. brings me back.. way back. Listening to this reminds me of the day I chose to stay till 12 midnight, just because I had wanted to make sure nothing would go wrong for a certain person. Wow that sucked. ==

Well I guess that's just the type of song I relate to. And I'm actually staring at that sentence laughing at the irony. I hate how a certain person's initials are so common, there's just no escape is there?

EDIT . Guess what? Today's date is... wait for it.. :

20092009!!

Kinoc, signing off.

This Circle Never Ends

The holidays are here again.. GAZI'S HSE ON MONDAY! LOL! Maybe it's just me.. or purely by coincidence, smth seems to go wrong right before the holidays begin. It happened before earlier this year and it's happening again. Whee! Gawd I just enjoy how screwed up I am =D

Speaking of which, Bio 3's been postponed.. All the way till school reopens, zOMGwTfBbQlOlZoZr!
Plenty of time to study for it.. Like I actually will, guess it's back to my whole DotA/gaming routine all day, all night, everyday. Wouldn't have it any other way =D

And now for random thoughts, and also the classic whole speaking in circles shit and whatnot. Whoever's reading this might not understand it, not that I care anyway.
In a matter of speaking, the bandage that's held my healing wounds together and kept it from reopening is starting to tear off. Old scars are resurfacing, and I'm pretty sure I'm going back to my old ways. Sigh, could this be the beginning of yet another long 6-8 months of searching?

And staring at my post title, I'm starting to remember smth I posted way back at the start of '09. Happy -> Try -> Fail -> Emo -> Repeat. Yeap, that stupid cycle I had once described my pathetic excuse for effort.

OMGWTFBBQROTFLOLZOMGPEWPEWPEW

Mm.. Got pwnt by Physics paper. Sigh, and paper 3's tomorrow.. DOUBLE OWNT. Ah well, there's Chem too =D. Back to studying.

Note to timun : You're 14 days late. That's 2 weeks! Lol, I had to say it again xP

Are you M.A.D. yet?!

Just got back from the M.A.D. concert. If you're reading that and going "wtf?!", it stands more Making A Difference. It was pretty awesome. Only me, Ash and Wk went, everyone else just couldn't seem to make it (among us that is). Met up at Sam's place round 4. Spent bout 30 mins gunning down Nazi Zombies. Yes, you heard me right NAZI ZOMBIES. 2 of the best things to gun down in gaming history fused together into one fun-frenzied bloodbath. Okay.. I have no idea what I just said.. Back to the main point..

Left round 4.30. The M.A.D. concert was gonna be at Sam's Church, which is located in.. Bandar Puteri *pause*. Mmm.. Quite a distance away.. We got there about 10 minutes early, so Sam asked us to entertain ourselves while they got ready. So basically me ash and wk just went off to the nearest mamak stall (thr were no cc's ): nearby) hahaha!

1st to play was G2, Whoo! Go Sam! xD Then there were many other bands.. But I can't seem to remember any of their names. STML.. LOL! And I'm too lazy to even try to remember any of bands. I just know that one of the band's names had the initials PA. hahahah.

Started to dream abit midway into the performances, guess my head just wasn't in the right place. WK could easily tell =/. Meh. I hate that cloud of depression that always seem to stop me from fully enjoying anything nowadays and I can only thank whoever gave me that cloud for this "bliss" I'm forced to endure. Got lost in one of the bands performance after that, helped clear my head. Whoo band with cool bassist! Which wk called "emo band".

Aaaaaaaaaaand I hate it when people interrupt me writing. I seem to forget everything instantly. Pics.. will probably be uploaded onto facebook.

Mm, had to put some crap outta my mind,****in mood spoiler. You think I want things to stay as fucked up as it is don't you? You're so fucking wrong. I wanna make amends, but if the other side refuses to reconcile.. Well there's nth I can f*ckin' do bout it now can I?

Just realised this post had no title so I'm adding one now

Random update since I'm just bored. And maybe a little spazzy after the whole epic fail charade.
Been Facebook-ing ALOT. Ahuh, okay not that much, just.. As much as any other internet-addicted user would be. And.. 2 notable things I just wanted to highlight in my post.


FIRSTLY :

Ahuh, I know I'm going overboard.. but who gives a f*ck right? Even the quiz thinks that way.


THE OTHER ONE :

Destiny wk.. DESTINY!

Yes, I got bored. And I'm still trying to get the whole epic fail thing outta my head. I'm so disorientated.. I just repeated what I just said right at the start ==

Mood Spoiler

So yeah, haven't wrote anything in a while. And I'm just gonna uhm.. write crap, yeah sure let's go with that. Had bio exams today @@. I know I did horribly but I think it should be passable. A notable question was...

"Describe the locomotion of a FISH"

HAHAHAHA, Was laughing at that one for a reason. If you're reading this then :P!

Chem tomorrow.. I know I can do it but I just can't find any mood to study, wasted whole day away with DotA. And of course there was a fuckin' mood spoiler right before the game started. Mm, I have a knack of somehow staring into things that.. I seem to convince myself that I hate. Ahuh, confusing, no? Couldn't really focus on anything after that. Well, with a failcase in such close proximity it's hard not to notice. Damn la I hate this. ==

And once again, revelation. I think I'm starting to understand why this hatred is rooted so deep now. I didn't think it was possible for me to hate, guess I was wrong. I tried, wasn't my fault. Just that being forced into a corner with absolutely no way out and being left in the cold and dark really changed the way I used to think about people, or rather.. person. Meh.

Then again, it actually feels good at times, when I remind myself how I have things to live for oce again, despite how little it helps overall.

Another Day, Another Year Older

Mm.. It's that day again. Woohoo? Ah well. Just another boring uneventful day in my year. Meh.

Anyways, pretty much screwed up my English paper. Ahhhh. The lack of depression actually caused a lack of inspiration for my essay. LOL. Actually tried to get depressed by looking at the very source of it. Didn't help, at all. HAHA.

So yeah, epic fail essay.

Different In Every Way

Sometimes.. You write things about people. In fact, you write just about whatever you want to about people just because you know that even if that person were to read what you wrote they might not know it was them you were writing about. Maybe it's just me. Then again, maybe this only applies to me. Ah well. And yeah, I do write alot of crap about people sometimes.

So yeah, I've been told by a few people how different those 2 were. Now that I think about it, they were right, the are different in almost every possible way. Least, that's what I think. But does it really matter? Maybe it's just cause I've been stung before, and I'm somewhat afraid/anti/whatever you wanna call it of anything that has anything to do with.. mm. And thus, a change is welcomed. Ah I dunno what I'm saying.

Zzz.

Lyrics Hype 2.0

Mm, just got back from hometown, woohoo! Finally reunited with my computer, hahahah. For some reason every single time I go back there, I'm somewhat inspired to write a blog post. Maybe it's just the fact that I have almost nothing to do there, except spend every waking moment watching tv (there's no 711-715 D:!) or studying sj (it was the only book I brought back).
So here we go.. again..

Your initial reply hit me undercover, I lost my head that night. I'm sitting all alone, feeling empty. So to speak, you had me shaking at the knees. If you had seen me at my best, would it have changed anything at all? Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort.

Now we're broken on the floor. Stab my back, it's better when I bleed for you. Did you think that I would cry on the phone? Do you know what it feels like being alone? Breathe for love tomorrow cause there's no hope for today. Please don't get me wrong, I'll never let this go.

I can't move forward while looking behind. Why do you do this to me? You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe. maybe it's best you leave me alone. I put my faith in you and you threw it all away. I'm losing half a year waiting for you here. You walk around like you don't know me. You treat me just like another stranger. We are broken, what must we do to restore our innocence? A weight is lifted on this evening. I let go but there's just noone that gets me like you do. Darkness turns to light, it ends tonight. I'll find someone new. Can't say I'm sad to see you, cause I'm not.

She ain't no beauty queen to me, I see through her smile. She's a walking lie. She's as cold as ice. So try your best to break me, you can't break a broken heart.

Give too much attention and I'll reflect your imperfections. Can't you see it's over? Now there's nothing left to die for. Don't struggle to recognize another coldly-heartfelt suicide.
You never told me that you meant to save someone, somebody just like me. Take me and let me in, don't break me and shut me out. This is just a story of a broken soul. No more disguise cause I realize I can't fit in anybody's arms.

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye? Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry. Maybe someday I will see you again and you'll look me in my eye and call me your friend. You were so much more than a memory. I've forgiven you and now I just miss you.

Here we go again. I'll keep you my dirty little secret. I've got a woman who'll put roses on my grave.

And So We Go

Well.. for some reason.. the sense of paranoia that once haunted me is back. Ahuh, it's been gone for almost 3 months now.. and since it's back.. I guess it means I'm starting to get attached.. Like.. Really attached.. and my mind is playing tricks on myself, making connections from what I hear into whatever possibility that comes into my mind.. And that isn't good.. Sucks to be me huh?

Breadou's Next Top Baldie

Well it's the holidays, haven't done much. Didn't touch a book at all since it began. Yeah I know this is pretty ad considering I have SPM trials right after the holidays. :S

Been RO-ing everyday :X
There was an event last night. Everyone who joined had to be male :P and.. BALD. OMGTAFAKBBQ! Yes! BALD. LOL.
It was a modelling event. All you had to do was.. bring a male char, make it bald, and make it look nice =D Simple enough right? NO~! You also had to catwalk!
Mmhmm.. Haha, well that explains the post title. There were 2 rounds, and the top 3 from the 1st round had to play again.

So in the end...
Magick - 40 points
Me - 38 points :(!
Hisoka - 35 points

Ahuh, damn the judges for givin me such a low score. Why lar GM ask contestants to judge also? They all berat sebelah larrrr.

LoL so yeah, pretty pointless post. xD

Holiday mania

Whoo it's the hols again. Haven't done anything though. :S
BORED

Bored

Seeing I had no internet, spent the day deleting almost everything that might lead back to my past. Lalalala, I'm almost completely free =).

I'm so proud of myself. LOL

Revelations from 10 to 1

10 Things You Wish You Could Say to 10 People Right Now (not in any order):

1. You're one of my closest friends, however weird that may sound. I've known you for years, since primary school. I know you can be an ass and you are one (LOL) but still, I'm glad for the times you actually took me seriously and listened and pulled me up when I was down.

2. I can't even begin to say how sorry I am, for everything that I've done up to this point. The time that I once spent with you, however little that might have been still remains the best of my life. I know I can be a tard and I never ever show what I mean and even screw up alot. It still remains the biggest regret of my life.

3. Haha, I still remember the 1st day we spoke to each other, we'd known each other for half a year before that (You should know who you are by now). It was one of the funniest days I've went through, heck, anything to do with you is entertaining and fun. LoLx. Don't know how boring my life would be without having you there (to feed as well LOL)

4. Hmm.. tsk tsk.. You.. The constant annoyance in my life who never ever admits your own faults. You don't know how much you've screwed up what I wanted to do. And yet, I can never be pissed with you for a long time -.- Watching you fail makes me feel better about my errors. HAHA

5. I'm glad I met you. The one I never really knew till the beginning of the year (or was it last year). Haha, I remember you 1st called me a weirdo, that was in a c'box. And now, you just call me emo. LOL. Thanks for listening when I needed someone to listen, and constantly reminding me how useless I am haha.

6. Hmm.. Basically I just enjoy your randomness. It never fails to make a boring situation somewhat fun and enjoyable. And let's not forget all the DotA games you left =)

7. The procake, why lar? You always make it look so easy to talk people I find hard to talk to. And of course, you remind me how sucky I am in some matters while you're breezing right through them.

8. Well I couldn't think of what to write about you. So.. you're an awesome DotA buddy LOL. Our lanes confirm own.. Till well.. We split lanes. That's when it all goes downhill. Gg.com

9. Meeting you changed me, well.. somewhat hahahhaa. Finally managed to get a grip on myself and pull myself together. You reminded me how some things are just worth the effort.. and practically turned me around.

10. I never really got to know you, was never in the same class with you. But you were there (at times, and very rarely indeed) to listen to what I had to say, although I'm pretty sure I got annoying at times. Hahaha, Paramore! Whoo! LoLx

9 Things People May Not Know About You:
1. I put everything off till the last minute.
2. I hate being reminded of things I try to put outta my mind.
3. Setting deadlines for myself always pressure me and I end up screwing up.
4. I wanna improve my guitar skills but never seem to find the effort.
5. I never really show what I mean.
6. My lack of confidence usually stops me from what I want to do.
7. I hold grudges, over VERY long times..
8. I tend to get panicky over trivial matters and is extreamly paranoid.
9. EPIC PARAMORE FAN. LOL

8 Ways To Win Your Heart:
1. Willing to spend time with me.
2. Good sense of humour.
3. Knows how to cheer me up when I'm down.
4. Always truthful to me.
5. Puts up with whatever wrong I may have done.
6. GIFTS LOL
7. Knows my likes and dislikes well.
8. Respects me for who I am

7 Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot:
1. SPM
2. I wanna go to another conert so bad!
3. How life is unfair most of the time.
4. My past.
5. Current events shaping my final year at school.
6. Fear of failing.
7. MVP cards. LOL

6 Things You Do Before You Fall Asleep:
1. Wash face
2. Brush teeth
3. Log in msn on my phone.
4. Check my phone.
5. Pack my bag
6. Think about tomorrow's possibilities

5 Characteristics You Value:
1. Honesty
2. Loyalty
3. Sincerity
4. Love
5. Understanding

4 Songs to Describe Your Life Right Now:
1. Hero/Heroine - Boys Like Girls
2. The Reason - Hoobastank
3. Here We Go Again - Paramore
4. On The Way Down - Ryan Cabrera

3 Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. Screwed up my life
2. Meeting a certain person
3. Not listening to everyone who told me "You'll never succeed, just give up"

2 Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. Make something of my life.
2. Become famous. LOL

1 Confession:
I've made my choices, and I hope this time it's the right ones.

Tag : Whoever

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

YEAH FINALLY MTV *screams* Hahahaha! Thanks Chonek for the tix!! I owe ya BIG TIME!

Went to World Stage with Aly and Nabeel.

Aly and Nabeel with the tix. Yeah you can barely see anything. Haha!!

Once we got there, Jon, Hong Ye and Nirmal joined us. Nabeel then left with his friend. Looking out, apparently it started to rain. Then someone got hit by inspriration "I'm sooo gonna be sick, let's buy umbrellas, there's discounts on rainy days" Hmm... But.. Once we got there "No umbrellas allowed inside, omgwtfroflolbbq! There goes $$ (not mine anyway xD) Soo.. We hid them in a corner, dangling somewhere.

Look at the crowd.. and that's only about.. Nowhere near the actual amount once everyone got in.

Split up with them once we got in, met up with Shi Lin and her tuition teacher along with several other friends.

When we just got in. Haha, I was the only one with a camera xD

By then, Estranged had already started playing. Our very own Malaysian band playing at World Stage, the support was phenomenal =D

After that I think it was straight to Boys Like Girls, the crowd roared. LoL, basically it was ALOT of jumping.. and screaming of course. They played Love Drunk, Thunder, Hero/Heroine and The Great Escape. Whoo!

Anyone recognise him? x) He climbed the side pillar thing during the last song :O!

Then there was a short break.. So while it lasted.. Time to put my cam to good use xD

Haha then it was back to the action, Ray Gun, Pixie Lott, and many more. And of course another band I went to watch, HOOBASTANK! WHOOOOOOOO

And the reason is you <3>Then it was anotherrrrrrrr break. And this time we went to buy drinks. RM5 for 1 can drink or water omgwtfrofllolscamtothemaxbbq.

Then.. Drumroll please.. ALL AMERICAN REJECT. Whoo! Literally went nuts xD

Dirty Little Secret, I Wanna, Real World, Swing Swing Swing, The Wind Blows, what more can I say? My favourite performance of the night hands down.

Then of course, the final act Kasabian, sad to say I missed most of it. My back ached like hell and I was somewhat sitting, missing everything =(

Final group pic of the day.

Overall, one of the best day/night of my life. Only drawbacks were the amount of tards moshing like nobody's business and also the huge number of smokers all over the place :S