It sucks. When you give in to a fleeting want. To have such an idea just pop into my head and to start laying out the foundations for it and planning my every reply.
Only to have it not work to begin with.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Day 66 : Shattered, I'm Through With Waiting
"Is it my turn to die?"
I knew it, I knew it.. My guts were right this time.
I've had it with all these. I'm through with deception, I'm sick and tired of everything. Reality, motivated by nothing less than mere jealousy, the thought of losing the one thing that means the most to me. I hate having to open my eyes, to live each day as though I'm still in one piece. It was clear enough, yet I refute truth, hoping to replace it with a more acceptable illusion, a farce. Somehow, I actually still believed.
Time and time again, I've been let down. You hear it every time you are slapped in the face with disappointment. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Yeah, I have to agree it's true. But what if.. just if.. after you get stronger, you run into something even more painful. Stabbed again. and again. Once, twice, a thrice now. I never should've expected anything but I did. I had hoped, I'm not trying to be self-centred and conceited.. but I do deserve a break after all I've been through in the past.
It felt surreal then, some people say the first will be the sweetest. Sadly, not everyone gets happy endings. I wished I had been one of the lucky ones. But alas, circumstances, lack of knowing what to do, and just being plain' Kinoc ruined it all. The pain lasted well over a year although I finally got over it. Time truly is the medicine for any wound.
It left as soon as it came. A chance encounter, I supposed I was.. mesmerized. I can't exactly recalled how it all started but I knew I had to keep it low profile. Against all odds, and my big mouth, I did.. somehow. Course, couldn't escape the notice of a few friends of mine as they knew I wouldn't actually mix with someone outside my class, let alone outside my year. 3 months flashed by.. and it just.. stopped. No actual goodbyes, no nothing. A cliffhanger ending.
I supposed I might have grown more resilient somewhat. I guess I wanted peace, a break from it all. Take a nice long nap, in a manner of speaking. Or as one of best friend calls it, "Sitting still". Yeah sure, sounds like a fool-proof concept.. Except for the part bout it not working. Or maybe it was just me and my inability to sit still, always fidgeting about wanting some form of attention.
I'd write about the next part of my life, under normal circumstances. Sadly, if I need it'll be nothing more of a repost of what I've written in at least 5 individual posts. Wow. I wish I'd known then what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have chose the path I did. Blissfully unaware to everything, I chose to start digging my own grave, all over again. Step by step, I pushed on, and on, and on. Now, I have no idea where I am, what I am, where I'm going. A lost soul.
Pain, driven by the betrayal of one I trusted. In your eyes, I had always been second best, have I not? Nothing, an insignificant existence. No, I can't compare. The way I had always been treated as an inferior, second to.. .. I wished I was as lucky. True, I've been touched by those words. But to receive it second, it's a double edge knife.. with imbalanced blades. The backward one is way sharper, honed by lies and deception.
You sound like you care, but do you really?
"You can fall time and time again, hitting rock bottom every time. But it'll all be worth it, when you find someone worth falling for."
For once I'm using my own words.
Shit I miss my electric, can't play metal on a darn acoustic. ARGH!
Today, is the day of the death of a friendship. With friends like that, who the f*ck needs enemies.
I knew it, I knew it.. My guts were right this time.
I've had it with all these. I'm through with deception, I'm sick and tired of everything. Reality, motivated by nothing less than mere jealousy, the thought of losing the one thing that means the most to me. I hate having to open my eyes, to live each day as though I'm still in one piece. It was clear enough, yet I refute truth, hoping to replace it with a more acceptable illusion, a farce. Somehow, I actually still believed.
Time and time again, I've been let down. You hear it every time you are slapped in the face with disappointment. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Yeah, I have to agree it's true. But what if.. just if.. after you get stronger, you run into something even more painful. Stabbed again. and again. Once, twice, a thrice now. I never should've expected anything but I did. I had hoped, I'm not trying to be self-centred and conceited.. but I do deserve a break after all I've been through in the past.
It felt surreal then, some people say the first will be the sweetest. Sadly, not everyone gets happy endings. I wished I had been one of the lucky ones. But alas, circumstances, lack of knowing what to do, and just being plain' Kinoc ruined it all. The pain lasted well over a year although I finally got over it. Time truly is the medicine for any wound.
It left as soon as it came. A chance encounter, I supposed I was.. mesmerized. I can't exactly recalled how it all started but I knew I had to keep it low profile. Against all odds, and my big mouth, I did.. somehow. Course, couldn't escape the notice of a few friends of mine as they knew I wouldn't actually mix with someone outside my class, let alone outside my year. 3 months flashed by.. and it just.. stopped. No actual goodbyes, no nothing. A cliffhanger ending.
I supposed I might have grown more resilient somewhat. I guess I wanted peace, a break from it all. Take a nice long nap, in a manner of speaking. Or as one of best friend calls it, "Sitting still". Yeah sure, sounds like a fool-proof concept.. Except for the part bout it not working. Or maybe it was just me and my inability to sit still, always fidgeting about wanting some form of attention.
I'd write about the next part of my life, under normal circumstances. Sadly, if I need it'll be nothing more of a repost of what I've written in at least 5 individual posts. Wow. I wish I'd known then what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have chose the path I did. Blissfully unaware to everything, I chose to start digging my own grave, all over again. Step by step, I pushed on, and on, and on. Now, I have no idea where I am, what I am, where I'm going. A lost soul.
Pain, driven by the betrayal of one I trusted. In your eyes, I had always been second best, have I not? Nothing, an insignificant existence. No, I can't compare. The way I had always been treated as an inferior, second to.. .. I wished I was as lucky. True, I've been touched by those words. But to receive it second, it's a double edge knife.. with imbalanced blades. The backward one is way sharper, honed by lies and deception.
You sound like you care, but do you really?
"You can fall time and time again, hitting rock bottom every time. But it'll all be worth it, when you find someone worth falling for."
For once I'm using my own words.
Shit I miss my electric, can't play metal on a darn acoustic. ARGH!
Today, is the day of the death of a friendship. With friends like that, who the f*ck needs enemies.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Gratitude
Thank you for helping me sort everything out, for listening to what I had to say, and for your support. I can never thank you enough. Nobody else has your charm (:
Day 65 : A Spark of Inspiration
Now.. what you're about to read.. is uhm.. How do I put this..? A very.. CHEESY (I did warn you, <--- READ) story inspired by a certain someone (: so yeah. It's gonna be a whole lot of random slotting facts here and there and is meant for the AusMat family I adore so much. If you don't get some of the things in the story.. Well, it's kinda meant for family to understand (: And yeah, this is WAAAAAAAY OFF what I normally write.
*In a somewhat enthusiastic Narrative voice*
A long time ago, the Queen of Lovely Vege Land had a sudden desire to taste the fabled Kilikuwawa Banana of Monkeyland and sent one of her most loyal guards, Go Ri La to retrieve the mytical banana. And so, with his queen's words, Go Ri La donned his frilly armored monkey suit and set off to the holy banana shrine, Majoopolaza in the west.
In his perilous journey, Go Ri La has encountered many foes as well as made many allies along the way. One of his most steadfast mates was none other than Fatty! (Just know I'm really sorry bout this) who has helped him overcome some of the most impossible obstacles in his journey.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity.. but was actually a week, Go Ri La and Fatty reached Majoopolaza. It was here when they were greeted with their first of many adversaries. Endless waves of bloodthirsty donkeys started pouring out of the shrine gates, battle-hungry and armed to the teeth, or hoofs in this matter. The donkey army surrounded Go Ri La and Fatty and all hell broke loose. Despite the overwhelming odds, our heroes (or the queen's) manage to repel wave after wave of donkey rushes. However, the never-ending onslaught was starting to wear them out. It was then that Go Ri La came up with an idea. He and Fatty did a tag-team assault combo back up full-proof mind boggling skill a.k.a "The Fatty Throw" and it literally SQUASHED whatever resistance they had.
Having quelled the shrine's first line of defence, Go Ri La and Fatty walked into the deepest regions of Majoopolaza in their search for the holy banana. After much twisting and turning, they came across a door engraved with ancient banana symbols. They looked to each other and nodded. This had to be it. They pushed each side of the door open, the sudden increase in light blinded them both for a moment. They turned away as their eyes struggled to adjust to the changing light. Suddenly, they were both rammed by a herd of caterwauling cretins. It felt as though a tsunami had hit them, knocking them both out cold.
*ominous music plays*
Go Ri La awakened. He scanned his surroundings to try to figure out where he has ended up in.
*camera zooms out*
It turns out he was trapped in a pink and lavish Go Ri La-proof cage, complete with a padlock specifically designed against opposable thumbs (err, I have no idea how is it actually spelled). Go Ri La took one last look around and there it hung, right before his eyes, the mythical Kilikuwawa! It was barely 2 metres away, but it was out of reach of Go Ri La who is caged. He stretched, he kicked, he punched, but nothing could bring him any closer to the very purpose of his quest.
*cue villain music + malicious laughter*
A sudden laughter filled the room. Cold shivers ran down Go Ri La's spine as he turned around to face his greatest enemy, the wretched AA! "Did you really think you could steal this banana from me.. from ME?!" *Evil laugh* AA then begins to poke Go Ri La mercilessly as he is unable to retaliate her attacks. Go Ri La cringes in agony as all hope seems lost, the light fades from his consciousness as he is prepared to throw in the towel and forsake the sacred quest his queen had entasked him with.
In a dazzling sparkle of light, Fatty reappears! With back-up! "Oh damn straight, I'm SEXAY" says Jo he unleashed his almighty Catwalk move, Sparkling Hips on AA which temporarily blinds her giving Fatty the chance to slam against the pink cage locking Go Ri La up, shattering it completely. Now free, Go Ri La seizes the opportunity to grab the Kilikuwawa banana. As he grabbed it, the floor started to give way and collapsed, swallowing him with it. With lightning fast reflexes, Jo and Fatty formed a human ladder chain, just barely managing to grab onto the Go Ri La as he plummeted into certain death.
"NIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMA!"
A loud roar was heard from deep within the newly formed fissure in the ground. The 3 heroes knew it was bad news and quickly mustered all their strength and in 1 adrenaline pumped maneuver, heaved themselves out of the hole. Barely a fraction of a second later, a dark malevolent hand clawed at them, missing them by a hair's breath. The 3 of them heaved a loud sigh of relief as they prepared to leave the shrine. AA had disappeared, for good they had hoped. Perhaps she had fallen into the hole?
Go Ri La, Fatty and Jo retraced their steps as they begin to plan their journey back to their queen. All was well until they reached the entrance. There was no longer and entrance, or exit in this case. In place of the gate that had led them into the shrine was a large Dinding, stretching as far as their eyes could see. Low footsteps echoed as the 3 heroes turned to the source of the sound. They had ran into Mouse Knight Kelz, one of the most fearsome guardians of the shrine. However, having planned for this possibility, Jo unleashed OVERDRIVE mode, SEXAY PRESENCE and chained several unfeasible hip maneuvers to complete rattle Kelz's composure. Go Ri La then followed up with another Fatty toss, taking Kelz out.
Now the only thing that stood between our intrepid protagonists and freedom was the unwavering Dinding. Every move, every attack, rendered useless as everything merely bounced off or is repelled by the stanch Dinding. To add to their distress, a loud roar echoed behind them.
"NIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAA"
Go Ri La, Jo and Fatty turned around to face, Prem. Over 6 feet tall and super hot to boot, he had an assertive aura around him. As his name implies, Prem Hotstuff certainly was a force to be reckoned with. Then, from the shadows, AA reappeared. This certainly looked bad. Like real bad. This is gonna take a whole lot more than hip appeal for Go Ri La, Jo and Fatty to make it outta this predicament.
Stay tuned.. for Part II :D
*In a somewhat enthusiastic Narrative voice*
A long time ago, the Queen of Lovely Vege Land had a sudden desire to taste the fabled Kilikuwawa Banana of Monkeyland and sent one of her most loyal guards, Go Ri La to retrieve the mytical banana. And so, with his queen's words, Go Ri La donned his frilly armored monkey suit and set off to the holy banana shrine, Majoopolaza in the west.
In his perilous journey, Go Ri La has encountered many foes as well as made many allies along the way. One of his most steadfast mates was none other than Fatty! (Just know I'm really sorry bout this) who has helped him overcome some of the most impossible obstacles in his journey.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity.. but was actually a week, Go Ri La and Fatty reached Majoopolaza. It was here when they were greeted with their first of many adversaries. Endless waves of bloodthirsty donkeys started pouring out of the shrine gates, battle-hungry and armed to the teeth, or hoofs in this matter. The donkey army surrounded Go Ri La and Fatty and all hell broke loose. Despite the overwhelming odds, our heroes (or the queen's) manage to repel wave after wave of donkey rushes. However, the never-ending onslaught was starting to wear them out. It was then that Go Ri La came up with an idea. He and Fatty did a tag-team assault combo back up full-proof mind boggling skill a.k.a "The Fatty Throw" and it literally SQUASHED whatever resistance they had.
Having quelled the shrine's first line of defence, Go Ri La and Fatty walked into the deepest regions of Majoopolaza in their search for the holy banana. After much twisting and turning, they came across a door engraved with ancient banana symbols. They looked to each other and nodded. This had to be it. They pushed each side of the door open, the sudden increase in light blinded them both for a moment. They turned away as their eyes struggled to adjust to the changing light. Suddenly, they were both rammed by a herd of caterwauling cretins. It felt as though a tsunami had hit them, knocking them both out cold.
*ominous music plays*
Go Ri La awakened. He scanned his surroundings to try to figure out where he has ended up in.
*camera zooms out*
It turns out he was trapped in a pink and lavish Go Ri La-proof cage, complete with a padlock specifically designed against opposable thumbs (err, I have no idea how is it actually spelled). Go Ri La took one last look around and there it hung, right before his eyes, the mythical Kilikuwawa! It was barely 2 metres away, but it was out of reach of Go Ri La who is caged. He stretched, he kicked, he punched, but nothing could bring him any closer to the very purpose of his quest.
*cue villain music + malicious laughter*
A sudden laughter filled the room. Cold shivers ran down Go Ri La's spine as he turned around to face his greatest enemy, the wretched AA! "Did you really think you could steal this banana from me.. from ME?!" *Evil laugh* AA then begins to poke Go Ri La mercilessly as he is unable to retaliate her attacks. Go Ri La cringes in agony as all hope seems lost, the light fades from his consciousness as he is prepared to throw in the towel and forsake the sacred quest his queen had entasked him with.
In a dazzling sparkle of light, Fatty reappears! With back-up! "Oh damn straight, I'm SEXAY" says Jo he unleashed his almighty Catwalk move, Sparkling Hips on AA which temporarily blinds her giving Fatty the chance to slam against the pink cage locking Go Ri La up, shattering it completely. Now free, Go Ri La seizes the opportunity to grab the Kilikuwawa banana. As he grabbed it, the floor started to give way and collapsed, swallowing him with it. With lightning fast reflexes, Jo and Fatty formed a human ladder chain, just barely managing to grab onto the Go Ri La as he plummeted into certain death.
"NIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMA!"
A loud roar was heard from deep within the newly formed fissure in the ground. The 3 heroes knew it was bad news and quickly mustered all their strength and in 1 adrenaline pumped maneuver, heaved themselves out of the hole. Barely a fraction of a second later, a dark malevolent hand clawed at them, missing them by a hair's breath. The 3 of them heaved a loud sigh of relief as they prepared to leave the shrine. AA had disappeared, for good they had hoped. Perhaps she had fallen into the hole?
Go Ri La, Fatty and Jo retraced their steps as they begin to plan their journey back to their queen. All was well until they reached the entrance. There was no longer and entrance, or exit in this case. In place of the gate that had led them into the shrine was a large Dinding, stretching as far as their eyes could see. Low footsteps echoed as the 3 heroes turned to the source of the sound. They had ran into Mouse Knight Kelz, one of the most fearsome guardians of the shrine. However, having planned for this possibility, Jo unleashed OVERDRIVE mode, SEXAY PRESENCE and chained several unfeasible hip maneuvers to complete rattle Kelz's composure. Go Ri La then followed up with another Fatty toss, taking Kelz out.
Now the only thing that stood between our intrepid protagonists and freedom was the unwavering Dinding. Every move, every attack, rendered useless as everything merely bounced off or is repelled by the stanch Dinding. To add to their distress, a loud roar echoed behind them.
"NIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAA"
Go Ri La, Jo and Fatty turned around to face, Prem. Over 6 feet tall and super hot to boot, he had an assertive aura around him. As his name implies, Prem Hotstuff certainly was a force to be reckoned with. Then, from the shadows, AA reappeared. This certainly looked bad. Like real bad. This is gonna take a whole lot more than hip appeal for Go Ri La, Jo and Fatty to make it outta this predicament.
Stay tuned.. for Part II :D
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Day 64 : One Letter
"Broken hearts shine on us tonight"
That slight tingling sensation, the feeling that you're sinking. Oh I just keep repeating the same old lines. Seconds pass by me, a never ending cycle. Days flash past, time just keeps flowing and I'm left behind in it's wake. An individual, stuck in time. Hoping for change. Will change ever come?
Sometimes things feel perfect, other times, everything feels shrouded in despair and desolation. Despite everything, the ups and downs, the same aura of vagueness remains. Leaving nothing but questions, answers I seek were nowhere to be found.
The things you say almost always touches me. But..
It's been 64 days.
Unrelated thoughts : Suspicions manifest into hatred.
That slight tingling sensation, the feeling that you're sinking. Oh I just keep repeating the same old lines. Seconds pass by me, a never ending cycle. Days flash past, time just keeps flowing and I'm left behind in it's wake. An individual, stuck in time. Hoping for change. Will change ever come?
Sometimes things feel perfect, other times, everything feels shrouded in despair and desolation. Despite everything, the ups and downs, the same aura of vagueness remains. Leaving nothing but questions, answers I seek were nowhere to be found.
The things you say almost always touches me. But..
It's been 64 days.
Unrelated thoughts : Suspicions manifest into hatred.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Viva La Football!
Headed over to Beng Way's to watch the Brazil vs. Portugal match. Jon, Lillian, Aly, King Yang, Kai Xiang, Edwin, Joy and I went over. Well, watching football with friends beats stoning at home in front of the computer monitor any day. Left early since Jon had wanted to run some "errands", or so he said. Which was basically, buying credit from the local 7-11. Went to pick Aly and Lil up then waited outside Beng Way's place. Again. Just like with the Argentina match wayyyyyy back.
When the rest turned up, we kind of "let ourselves in". Beng Way got back late, again, the same as the previous time we all came over. Ah yes, the similarities just keep mounting. So we got settled and turned the laggy HD on. 10 minutes had passed but thankfully we didn't miss any goals yet. This is when the score update thing flashed by, DPR Korea - Ivory Coast 0-1. 5 minutes later, no still no action from the match on-screen. Then the score update thing flashed by again. DPR Kor - IVC 0-2. WTH?! Another goal's been scored already! So we all switched over to that match for a few mins. Least there was some form of action, several attempts on the goal by the Ivory Coast side in those few minutes.. When Beng Way finally came home and said "Why are you all watching this?! BRAZIL PORTUGAL LA!" and switched back.
Food, munch munch, while watching the Por - Bra match. 5 minutes.. nothing big.. 10 minutes.. still nothing. Once again, just like the previous time. We just sat there. doing.. nothing when someone finally suggested "Anyone up for Pizza?" Well, t'was better than stoning, innit? Then, Beng Way dialled the number..
"Hello? Uhh saya nak.. Blablablabla. Eh why she say call the 1300 num? Stoooooooooooopid fool"
"WTH? Which number you call??"
"The 5122 one la"
"OMG LOLOLOL DO YOU KNOW HOW TO ORDEEER?"
Yeap. Epic Beng Way. HAHAHA!
So yeah. After all, Brazil had secured a spot in the Final 16 and all Portugal needed was a draw. There wasn't much offensive play expected anyways. But c'mon, the first 30 mins consisted only passes from each team. There were barely ANY shots at the goal. I'd say the keepers had it pretty easy.
Oh, I can't tell how MANY yellow cards were given in the game. One minute a Portugal player was given a yellow card, and the next, a Brazillian player would be penalised. It was almost a flurry of yellow cards. I think in those 10 minutes alone there were at least FIVE yellow cards.
Well, at least there was SOMETHING to watch.
The dives were awesome too. I can't remember who, but some Portugal player, raced to the Brazillian penalty box. And. Fell, while stretching both arms out asking for a penalty. Then again, normally people's arms would be faced downwards to instinctively protect the body in an actual fall. Guess it's kinda easy to tell a real from a fake. He got a yellow card from that.
So yeah, the match ended nil-nil. Not to say the best one I watched.. But ah well. =]
When the rest turned up, we kind of "let ourselves in". Beng Way got back late, again, the same as the previous time we all came over. Ah yes, the similarities just keep mounting. So we got settled and turned the laggy HD on. 10 minutes had passed but thankfully we didn't miss any goals yet. This is when the score update thing flashed by, DPR Korea - Ivory Coast 0-1. 5 minutes later, no still no action from the match on-screen. Then the score update thing flashed by again. DPR Kor - IVC 0-2. WTH?! Another goal's been scored already! So we all switched over to that match for a few mins. Least there was some form of action, several attempts on the goal by the Ivory Coast side in those few minutes.. When Beng Way finally came home and said "Why are you all watching this?! BRAZIL PORTUGAL LA!" and switched back.
Food, munch munch, while watching the Por - Bra match. 5 minutes.. nothing big.. 10 minutes.. still nothing. Once again, just like the previous time. We just sat there. doing.. nothing when someone finally suggested "Anyone up for Pizza?" Well, t'was better than stoning, innit? Then, Beng Way dialled the number..
"Hello? Uhh saya nak.. Blablablabla. Eh why she say call the 1300 num? Stoooooooooooopid fool"
"WTH? Which number you call??"
"The 5122 one la"
"OMG LOLOLOL DO YOU KNOW HOW TO ORDEEER?"
Yeap. Epic Beng Way. HAHAHA!
So yeah. After all, Brazil had secured a spot in the Final 16 and all Portugal needed was a draw. There wasn't much offensive play expected anyways. But c'mon, the first 30 mins consisted only passes from each team. There were barely ANY shots at the goal. I'd say the keepers had it pretty easy.
Oh, I can't tell how MANY yellow cards were given in the game. One minute a Portugal player was given a yellow card, and the next, a Brazillian player would be penalised. It was almost a flurry of yellow cards. I think in those 10 minutes alone there were at least FIVE yellow cards.
Well, at least there was SOMETHING to watch.
The dives were awesome too. I can't remember who, but some Portugal player, raced to the Brazillian penalty box. And. Fell, while stretching both arms out asking for a penalty. Then again, normally people's arms would be faced downwards to instinctively protect the body in an actual fall. Guess it's kinda easy to tell a real from a fake. He got a yellow card from that.
So yeah, the match ended nil-nil. Not to say the best one I watched.. But ah well. =]
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Hypocritical, Lies and Deception
A tiny crack forms. Nobody paid any attention to it. Everyone just ignored it, thinking it was just a minor inconvenience. Over time, more cracks formed. Gradually, they increased in numbers, slowly connection, becoming one. A thousand tiny cracks, turned into a huge fissure. Pressure just keeps building, until that tiny heart snapped.
It isn't just me. If it were only me, I wouldn't be so affected by it. Turns out I ain't the only person whose suspicions have been aroused. Finally, I'm letting that little dark secret out. Who knew that such a little thing could have such devastating consequences, to both me and my sanity. Yes, I know, I just wrote about how I'll be tough and not let all these anomalies haunt me. I just put on a brave face, trying to hide the pain beneath the mask. Everyone has their breaking point, I've reached mine.
Anyone who can think coherently would've noticed. Heck, for someone who's extra observant, it really isn't a good thing to notice. Finally shared my thoughts with one of my friends who had asked me for confirmation. It couldn't have been more obvious. Course, the waythe bitch he hung around like vultures to a corpse. (What? I choose whatever way I wanna describe it, so shut it)
It's true that you've never know how painful something like this feels, until you experience it firsthand. I know now, how it managed to antagonize two of my friends.
"Die motherf*cker die" is the song that I feel connects most, to thatdirty rotten lying bastard.
It isn't just me. If it were only me, I wouldn't be so affected by it. Turns out I ain't the only person whose suspicions have been aroused. Finally, I'm letting that little dark secret out. Who knew that such a little thing could have such devastating consequences, to both me and my sanity. Yes, I know, I just wrote about how I'll be tough and not let all these anomalies haunt me. I just put on a brave face, trying to hide the pain beneath the mask. Everyone has their breaking point, I've reached mine.
Anyone who can think coherently would've noticed. Heck, for someone who's extra observant, it really isn't a good thing to notice. Finally shared my thoughts with one of my friends who had asked me for confirmation. It couldn't have been more obvious. Course, the way
It's true that you've never know how painful something like this feels, until you experience it firsthand. I know now, how it managed to antagonize two of my friends.
"Die motherf*cker die" is the song that I feel connects most, to that
Day 61 : A Slap In The Face
Birds chirping, the laughter of children at the nearby playground, the smiles of people you know all around. Sounds like the perfect scenery. A serene and calm neighbourhood. Yeah, that's what I thought too. Sadly, reality is usually far from expectations.
Doritis house got broken into. Thankfully nobody was home. The place was a mess and we've yet to ascertain what's been taken or ransacked.
And so, all inspiration's been lost.
That other side of me is finally showing itself again. So much for resilience.
Confirmation at 95%, hatred rises to 70%. He's one face I don't mind erasing completely right now.
For now, I'll try to keep that fragile happiness I've been holding on to for so long.
Doritis house got broken into. Thankfully nobody was home. The place was a mess and we've yet to ascertain what's been taken or ransacked.
And so, all inspiration's been lost.
That other side of me is finally showing itself again. So much for resilience.
Confirmation at 95%, hatred rises to 70%. He's one face I don't mind erasing completely right now.
For now, I'll try to keep that fragile happiness I've been holding on to for so long.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day 60 : Strive for Those You Love and Believe In
I'm seriously starting to love this pendant of mine. Although I had gotten it myself for cheesy reasons, I'm attached to it nonetheless. Cause it reminds me of someone.. of great importance to me. Yeah, if you're reading this, it's you. It feels so safe, as the very thought of you lingers in my mind. I actually panicked and desperately tried to look for it just because I thought I had lost it. To me, it's a.. symbol. Of what I feel, and the path I've chosen to walk. I'll endure anything, everything, to keep me on this path.
It's been awhile since I felt this good, this contempt with life. Since last Friday I don't think I've went into any of my "emo" states. Probably the lucky charm, but under normal circumstances I'd have flipped at those words. But now, I look at em, and scoff 'em off. Words of one not worthy of being calleda dumbass bitch my friend. Sure, it still cuts me, I feel the pain, but now I'm able to endure it. To brush it aside (or at least.. I try to) Despite whatever misconceptions other people have, I'll stop letting it affect me. It's not worth it, he's not worth it. Friendship isn't hard to feign, but neither is hatred. Guess I'll just play along.. for now :)
To quote one of my best friends. "You make your own destiny!" Wise words indeed, I thank you for supporting me throughout the year. I wasn't wrong when I confided in you to share my problems. To lend an ear when I need to share my problems, to offer advice when everything seemed to lead towards a dead end, and most importantly, when you help me with her.
I guess that at some point in life, you'll stop. Free yourself from all the hustle and bustle and just take a few moments to just breath in all that is life. To just look around you, to realise what you have, to appreciate the people you've met in your life and how and every one of them has helped turn you into the person you are today. My life's no different. I've met so many people this year, they've all coloured my life in some way. You all know you each and every one of you are, all of you are my life now :)
"Even if we can or can't be friends, I'll be with you till the very end"
~ Shine On
I may not always be there, course at times I don't even look like I care all that much. Despite the guise of indifference, I do care. Just know this, if you ever need me, say the word. I'll be right there with you. No matter what the cost :)
It's been awhile since I felt this good, this contempt with life. Since last Friday I don't think I've went into any of my "emo" states. Probably the lucky charm, but under normal circumstances I'd have flipped at those words. But now, I look at em, and scoff 'em off. Words of one not worthy of being called
To quote one of my best friends. "You make your own destiny!" Wise words indeed, I thank you for supporting me throughout the year. I wasn't wrong when I confided in you to share my problems. To lend an ear when I need to share my problems, to offer advice when everything seemed to lead towards a dead end, and most importantly, when you help me with her.
I guess that at some point in life, you'll stop. Free yourself from all the hustle and bustle and just take a few moments to just breath in all that is life. To just look around you, to realise what you have, to appreciate the people you've met in your life and how and every one of them has helped turn you into the person you are today. My life's no different. I've met so many people this year, they've all coloured my life in some way. You all know you each and every one of you are, all of you are my life now :)
"Even if we can or can't be friends, I'll be with you till the very end"
~ Shine On
I may not always be there, course at times I don't even look like I care all that much. Despite the guise of indifference, I do care. Just know this, if you ever need me, say the word. I'll be right there with you. No matter what the cost :)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Day 59 : Comfort in Silence
So there's finally been a ausmat family outing.. somewhat since the holidays began. Amanda's birthday ;) planned an outing with Limei, Itianne, Steven, Gazi. And guess where's the awesome place we were heading to, to celebrate this joyous occasion? If you said PYRAMID, you guessed it! *coughmumblesarghimsosickofthisplacecough*
Left the house at 9.30 to pick Limei up first. Headed over to Gazi's and.. "Oh.. what? oh shit i just woke up" You gotta hand it to him, nobody else is capable to delaying the whole outing by a whole 45 minutes just because they woke up late.. NOBODY. So just.. sat around. For close to 30 mins in the car with Limei just WAITING for him to get up -___-
When things finally kicked off, met Itianne and Amanda at the ice rink. Poor Itianne, she's been wandering aimlessly for almost an hour doing nothing. Hmm.. Where's STEVEN? Well, he kind of got held back by a MINOR accident. Thankfully though, nobody got hurt (:
Last min changes in plan once again, scrapped ice skating and opted for movie instead. Amanda went to drop of her things at Hartz (You should try it out, the place seriously has awesome chicken! *no this is not an advertisement attempt*) and we ran into Hoshinee and May Yan who were kind of heading to watch a movie. We split up as they left and we headed to the cinema to get our tickets instead. Guess what? While debating at the counter over what movie to watch, we ran into them again. So we just decided to catch a movie together, allsix seven of us.
Left the house at 9.30 to pick Limei up first. Headed over to Gazi's and.. "Oh.. what? oh shit i just woke up" You gotta hand it to him, nobody else is capable to delaying the whole outing by a whole 45 minutes just because they woke up late.. NOBODY. So just.. sat around. For close to 30 mins in the car with Limei just WAITING for him to get up -___-
When things finally kicked off, met Itianne and Amanda at the ice rink. Poor Itianne, she's been wandering aimlessly for almost an hour doing nothing. Hmm.. Where's STEVEN? Well, he kind of got held back by a MINOR accident. Thankfully though, nobody got hurt (:
Last min changes in plan once again, scrapped ice skating and opted for movie instead. Amanda went to drop of her things at Hartz (You should try it out, the place seriously has awesome chicken! *no this is not an advertisement attempt*) and we ran into Hoshinee and May Yan who were kind of heading to watch a movie. We split up as they left and we headed to the cinema to get our tickets instead. Guess what? While debating at the counter over what movie to watch, we ran into them again. So we just decided to catch a movie together, all
So we watched Toy Story 3! (May Yan, Limei and I have all watched it though. But it was worth watching again) Even after seeing it twice, I just can't get enough of it. It's just THAT awesome! Let's not forget all the CHEESY LOVEY DOVEY scenes between BARBIE & KEN! OMG! Hahaha! :)
Before that, had lunch at.. Wong.. smth. Forgot what it's called. Free big ass cup of Teh Ais if it's your birthday! :D
For the first time in my life I've witness someone managing to trip over himself and almost rolling down the cinema. Priceless.
After the movie, like all good Twisted members do.. POOL! But then Amanda went "missing" ;) Nah, no la, she had to get her arm checked for internal injuries. Ouch. Back to pool, for once I'd like to say the cards were being played right. Actually played well at Pyramid, the place I normally sucked at pool the most. Limei, Itianne.. You're both awesome pool mates la :) Not to mention, Hoshinee.. GODDESS OF POOL! HAHAHA! :D
Well, that's the gist of it. Those were the main events of the day. Other miscellaneous events occurred but I'm way too lazy to include them. :)
I'll keep it that way for now. I'll keep it in plain sight, but I won't flaunt it. As long as it's close to my heart, the way I want it to be :)
Feigning hospitality was easier than it sounded. :)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Day 58 : A Break From the Chaos
The feeling of release, when a burden's been lifted off your chest. It just soothes the soul :)
The holidays have BEGUN! For almost a week now. I'm sorry to have not made any proper updates.. but I will.. soon. So far went out last Friday and Saturday. Planning to go out again tomorrow. Pyramid, pyramid and guess what? PYRAMID! Gawd, I just LOVE the place, I mean.. I just CAN'T GET ENOUGH of it! *note the sarcasm* :)
I'll write on the Saturday outing first.. Wanna savour the other a tiny bit more first :P
KELZO's birthday! :D So we all went to Pyramid, Prem, Su Qi, Kelz, Me, gazi. While leaving had to go pick Ash up to. Thought I'd give him a lift since he asked, he was going to the Taylor's Open Day, which I shall include.. He never made it there..
Cause he stuck with us! Due to "peer pressure" from a certain person. Pfft. So he tagged along for the outing. Met up with Su Qi and Prem first. Got the racket (Kelz's present) as well as the cake. :) Su Qi had arranged so that Kelz arrived.. after us :P
Split us as Su Qi went to fetch Kelz as the rest of us went BBQ Plaza and pondered upon the order. When Kelz arrived, the look on her face was almost priceless :) Manage to sneak the cake to one of the waiters thanks to Prem's ingenious distraction scheme ;)
Had a pretty awesome lunch as we gave the racket to Kelz and enjoyed cheesecake! ;)
Even managed to pick myself a little something from the place.. Hehe :)
Somehow, this little pendant of mine, from her it may not be, but it keeps me happy just the same. No matter how much hatred for that person (mentioned in the previous post) I feel as though there's some barrier, taking the full brunt of the emo spell that'd have landed on me. If only..
The holidays have BEGUN! For almost a week now. I'm sorry to have not made any proper updates.. but I will.. soon. So far went out last Friday and Saturday. Planning to go out again tomorrow. Pyramid, pyramid and guess what? PYRAMID! Gawd, I just LOVE the place, I mean.. I just CAN'T GET ENOUGH of it! *note the sarcasm* :)
I'll write on the Saturday outing first.. Wanna savour the other a tiny bit more first :P
KELZO's birthday! :D So we all went to Pyramid, Prem, Su Qi, Kelz, Me, gazi. While leaving had to go pick Ash up to. Thought I'd give him a lift since he asked, he was going to the Taylor's Open Day, which I shall include.. He never made it there..
Cause he stuck with us! Due to "peer pressure" from a certain person. Pfft. So he tagged along for the outing. Met up with Su Qi and Prem first. Got the racket (Kelz's present) as well as the cake. :) Su Qi had arranged so that Kelz arrived.. after us :P
Split us as Su Qi went to fetch Kelz as the rest of us went BBQ Plaza and pondered upon the order. When Kelz arrived, the look on her face was almost priceless :) Manage to sneak the cake to one of the waiters thanks to Prem's ingenious distraction scheme ;)
Had a pretty awesome lunch as we gave the racket to Kelz and enjoyed cheesecake! ;)
Even managed to pick myself a little something from the place.. Hehe :)
Somehow, this little pendant of mine, from her it may not be, but it keeps me happy just the same. No matter how much hatred for that person (mentioned in the previous post) I feel as though there's some barrier, taking the full brunt of the emo spell that'd have landed on me. If only..
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Pieces of the Puzzle
The cold shoulder, the sudden disappearances, the text mistakenly sent to the wrong person, the way he tried DELIBERATELY stood right between us. Bits and pieces of the story are slowly being pieced together. I seriously hope that I just took all the wrong pieces, cause the overall picture.. is just plain saddening.
Day 57 : This, is My Story.
A friend of mine asked me a pretty interesting question the other day. It kinda got me thinking.. I knew what the answer was, but I just couldn't find the words to voice them out or even structure them in any coherent sentence. All I could manage were a few stutters and "I just do". Course, that was nowhere near the actual depth of what I actually felt. Guess I'll stick to what I do best. Writing them out, where there's nobody watching me, anxiously waiting for my response. Yes, I collapse under pressure, especially when I have 2 pairs of eyes glaring at me, just waiting to pounce on my answer. D:!
She's like the shining light amidst my darkness. Ever the bubbly one, never to show her discontent or unhappiness. She's a good listener, patient, ever willing to help out whenever I'm stuck with any problems. She's lovable, so fun to bully :), radiating a feeling of warmth that's just so fun to be around. Being around her makes me feel at ease, as though all my problems disappear. Her sense of humour is like no other. She's always been able to make me laugh, although sometimes she can be a bit.. blunt, which can really hurt. Course, she hardly ever means to offend. In short. she's unique, special, different from everyone. No words can sum her up :)
That.. is just the tip of the iceberg. Much better than that inadequate response that day. Right?
Niama, Pi Li Ann. How's that for a reason?
Completely unrelated. It's 85% confirmed now. Hatred mounts.
She's like the shining light amidst my darkness. Ever the bubbly one, never to show her discontent or unhappiness. She's a good listener, patient, ever willing to help out whenever I'm stuck with any problems. She's lovable, so fun to bully :), radiating a feeling of warmth that's just so fun to be around. Being around her makes me feel at ease, as though all my problems disappear. Her sense of humour is like no other. She's always been able to make me laugh, although sometimes she can be a bit.. blunt, which can really hurt. Course, she hardly ever means to offend. In short. she's unique, special, different from everyone. No words can sum her up :)
That.. is just the tip of the iceberg. Much better than that inadequate response that day. Right?
Niama, Pi Li Ann. How's that for a reason?
Completely unrelated. It's 85% confirmed now. Hatred mounts.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
A Wall Between Us
Feeling like this could only mean I'm sinking. The same things always happen when you're gone. All of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor to find my whoever, wherever she may be. It keeps me here when all I wanna do is dissappear. I still remember the time where this all felt like a dream. We held the world out in our hands, and you ran away. If it's a broken heart, then face it. I won't get used to this. If I say I'm okay, I'm also a lier. Even if we can or can't be friends, I'll be with you till the very end. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. I need an ending, so why can't you stay just long enough to explain.
-Misc lyrics.
I'm beginning to think that my fears are not that far-fetched after all. It doesn't take a food to put all the pieces together, misfitting as they may be. The times she acted so distant, the doubts, the way she often held back. Something was up. There's an awful feeling in my gut, then again it had never been right before. Of all times, please don't be right now.
It used to feel so at ease, so comfortable, so.. right. Where has all of that gone? Life, love, laughs, they start to swirl in a never ending whirlpool. The line between everything is blurred. I'm starting to lose sight in everything that means anything to me, faith is slowly fading. Falling apart, as each piece of my soul falls into darkness, again. Only this time, the very reason why I'm falling might be the most painful one of all.
It used to feel so at ease, so comfortable, so.. right. Where has all of that gone? Life, love, laughs, they start to swirl in a never ending whirlpool. The line between everything is blurred. I'm starting to lose sight in everything that means anything to me, faith is slowly fading. Falling apart, as each piece of my soul falls into darkness, again. Only this time, the very reason why I'm falling might be the most painful one of all.
You brought me out of my suffering. You taught me how to live life with a smile. You taught me how to laugh like I really meant it. You brought the very best out of me. Now, you've driven a blade straight through me and left me to bleed. To die, a pain, slow and agonizing death.
Both sides of the story in my head conflict, waging a never ending war. One tells me to push on, the other tells me to drop everything and move on. Neither wants to give in. You pull me in, then you push me away, fueling my doubts, my agony. You hold the answers I need, but fear has me in a deadlock, keeping me in place, immobilized and unable to voice out my deepest thoughts, my most sincere feelings, the depth of my affection towards you.
This feeling runs deeper than anything in the world. It binds me to you, stronger than gravity. I would drop everything else, just for you had you asked for anything.
Nothing beats the feeling of your soul running through your entire body, as you really pour your heart out while listening to depressing songs.
Nothing beats the feeling of your soul running through your entire body, as you really pour your heart out while listening to depressing songs.
Friday, June 18, 2010
My Mind is the Scene of the Crime
Ever had a secret that you could tell NOBODY in your life? Not even your best friend? What if he or she was the very cause of it?
Reality or just a figment of your imagination? Dreams, intentions, secrets, all harbored by the heart can torment one's soul. It strikes within you, cutting deeper than any blade ever can. Of course, each and every individual has their very own secrets, personal vendettas that need to be settled. Crimes one would perpetuate if they had the means to escape with it. Gunshots fill the air, horns blaring in the distance, the sound of glass breaking as they're stained with blood erupt all over. Sounds like the scene for the perfect crime.
Now most of us would refute that they had deep dark secrets, picturing themselves to be untainted. Who would go against being the perfect person anyways. Nevertheless, I am no different. Who knew, that secretly, beneath the illusion of normality that I secretly want to "get rid" of my best friend.
Through the eyes of most people, we would have seemed like the best of friends. We laughed, we hung out, we shared inside jokes with each other. I was kind of like the "distant" kid way back in school and he was kind of too. Being friends meant keeping a delicate balance, and we managed to work it out and have been inseparable since. Through thick and thin, we've stuck together, watching each other's backs.
However, lately he's been acting strange towards me. We're no longer as close as we used to be and slowly I noticed everyone drifting away from me, treating me like an outsider. I did some snooping around and some people have told me that he's been spreading rumours behind my back. Hearing that stunned me. It hasn't been proven yet but I'm starting to doubt him. I have no idea why he would treat me in such a way as I've never wronged him before in my life. The facts hasn't been confirmed but my trust has been shaken like never before.
I never want this thought to be stolen, to be leaked out where people will judge me for being too paranoid.
Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception. Now for a brief plot summary, otherwise known as a synopsis.
Reality or just a figment of your imagination? Dreams, intentions, secrets, all harbored by the heart can torment one's soul. It strikes within you, cutting deeper than any blade ever can. Of course, each and every individual has their very own secrets, personal vendettas that need to be settled. Crimes one would perpetuate if they had the means to escape with it. Gunshots fill the air, horns blaring in the distance, the sound of glass breaking as they're stained with blood erupt all over. Sounds like the scene for the perfect crime.
Now most of us would refute that they had deep dark secrets, picturing themselves to be untainted. Who would go against being the perfect person anyways. Nevertheless, I am no different. Who knew, that secretly, beneath the illusion of normality that I secretly want to "get rid" of my best friend.
Through the eyes of most people, we would have seemed like the best of friends. We laughed, we hung out, we shared inside jokes with each other. I was kind of like the "distant" kid way back in school and he was kind of too. Being friends meant keeping a delicate balance, and we managed to work it out and have been inseparable since. Through thick and thin, we've stuck together, watching each other's backs.
However, lately he's been acting strange towards me. We're no longer as close as we used to be and slowly I noticed everyone drifting away from me, treating me like an outsider. I did some snooping around and some people have told me that he's been spreading rumours behind my back. Hearing that stunned me. It hasn't been proven yet but I'm starting to doubt him. I have no idea why he would treat me in such a way as I've never wronged him before in my life. The facts hasn't been confirmed but my trust has been shaken like never before.
I never want this thought to be stolen, to be leaked out where people will judge me for being too paranoid.
Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception. Now for a brief plot summary, otherwise known as a synopsis.
Dom Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) is a skilled thief, the absolute best in the dangerous art of extraction: stealing valuable secrets from deep within the subconscious during the dream state when the mind is at its most vulnerable. Cobb’s rare ability has made him a coveted player in this treacherous new world of corporate espionage, but it has also made him an international fugitive and cost him everything he has ever loved. Now Cobb is being offered a chance at redemption. One last job could give him his life back but only if he can accomplish the impossible—inception. Instead of the perfect heist, Cobb and his team of specialists have to pull off the reverse; their task is not to steal an idea but to plant one. If they succeed, it could be the perfect crime.
But no amount of careful planning or expertise can prepare the team for the dangerous enemy that seems to predict their every move. An enemy that only Cobb could have seen coming.
This summer, your mind is the scene of the crime.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
A World Of Chances
1, 2, 3.. It's the third time round and I still haven't learn my lesson. Some things are better left unsaid, I should stop snooping around, for my own good.
Day 52 : Templates
Just skimmed through the new "Design" function from blogspot. Found a pretty interesting one which kept the whole dark theme interesting but without the overflow of gloominess like my current blog template. Then again, I don't wanna change it if it might affect the whole Nuffnang thing and cause the whole ad thing to get stuck all over again. So I guess I'll just leave it for now.
Physics tomorrow. My very LAST paper for EE 2010. And so we go (:
Physics tomorrow. My very LAST paper for EE 2010. And so we go (:
Monday, June 14, 2010
Day 51 : Give Me A Sign
"No hope, just desperation
So sit and wait for death
And pray it takes you soon.
The addiction’s taking you." - BFMV
Jealously mounts, stretched to breaking point. Sometimes I wonder why am I still on talking terms. One minute it's all friendly and the next the very sight of that person makes my blood boil. I can't tell. Maybe I'm just exaggerating the situation again, but I don't like him one bit.
It hurts. A lot. Everytime, it feels like a knife is being stabbed right through me, plunging my heart right into the centre of darkness. Brief it may be, but I can't help but lose myself everytime it happens. Feels like I'm falling into the same old cycle, only this time it's much much MUCH worse. (Wow, and there I was a year back thinking I couldn't fall any lower)
It feels just like a rollercoaster, there's up and downs. Only that the downs are really really steep and the ups are.. almost nothing. ):
I've lost count how long it's been already. I'm just so tired. If I could, I'd distance myself. Completely. But alas, I'm stuck here, torn between wanted both less and more. Funny how it works, how I feel is indirectly affected by that. If it's good, my mind soars. If it's not, I take the pain, amplify it tenfold, then inflict it on myself.
Am I nothing more than a mere distraction to you? A decoy? A person to turn to only when there's absolutely nobody else around? Insignificant, unimportant and completely disposable? If you want me to stay, tell me. If not, just say the word. I'll vanish completely and never show my face before you ever again.
I wanna walk away, but something in the back of my head tells me to stay, and keep trying.
So sit and wait for death
And pray it takes you soon.
The addiction’s taking you." - BFMV
Jealously mounts, stretched to breaking point. Sometimes I wonder why am I still on talking terms. One minute it's all friendly and the next the very sight of that person makes my blood boil. I can't tell. Maybe I'm just exaggerating the situation again, but I don't like him one bit.
It hurts. A lot. Everytime, it feels like a knife is being stabbed right through me, plunging my heart right into the centre of darkness. Brief it may be, but I can't help but lose myself everytime it happens. Feels like I'm falling into the same old cycle, only this time it's much much MUCH worse. (Wow, and there I was a year back thinking I couldn't fall any lower)
It feels just like a rollercoaster, there's up and downs. Only that the downs are really really steep and the ups are.. almost nothing. ):
I've lost count how long it's been already. I'm just so tired. If I could, I'd distance myself. Completely. But alas, I'm stuck here, torn between wanted both less and more. Funny how it works, how I feel is indirectly affected by that. If it's good, my mind soars. If it's not, I take the pain, amplify it tenfold, then inflict it on myself.
Am I nothing more than a mere distraction to you? A decoy? A person to turn to only when there's absolutely nobody else around? Insignificant, unimportant and completely disposable? If you want me to stay, tell me. If not, just say the word. I'll vanish completely and never show my face before you ever again.
I wanna walk away, but something in the back of my head tells me to stay, and keep trying.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Day 48 : Change
Sadly, won't be able to make it to the premier screening of ToyStory3 by NuffNang on Monday. Ah well. :(
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Day 47 : Chain of Events
The time is now, the second biggest examination of my AusMat life.. begins now. EE started today. EALD was the first in an attempt to massacre those who took it. Okay, perhaps I've exaggerated. Garh! Where's a THESAURUS when I need one?! Anywayyyyyyyyyys...
I don't think it was that much to be stressed over. Sure, I may have used mediocre language every now and then but what's done is done. Plus, I never read up anything for EALD, something I kinda regret now. Should've brushed up my Australia section for the Task 2 booklet. Jo Keat, you should have NO PROBLEM tackling Australia, no? Somehow it felt kinda nice to be sitting for an exam, (yes, if you wanna hit me.. dont) after all it's been quite a long while since the previous one.
After EALD, gathered up and headed for AC. Yep! AC, the place next to Taylor's. Me, Limei, Itianne, Amanda, Jo Keat, Gazi, Prem, Melvin, Jack, Steven, and Marcus. Traffic was horrible to say the least. Took ages just to get there. Parking however was a breeze. Rm6.00 T.T! But then, t'was worth it.. was it? :) Makan, pool, taught a bit of Chem, and even ran into a friend.
Yeap, pretty good day :)
1 down, 4 to go. Next to fall, CHEMISTRY! YOU'RE GOING DOOOOOOOOOWN! :)
I don't think it was that much to be stressed over. Sure, I may have used mediocre language every now and then but what's done is done. Plus, I never read up anything for EALD, something I kinda regret now. Should've brushed up my Australia section for the Task 2 booklet. Jo Keat, you should have NO PROBLEM tackling Australia, no? Somehow it felt kinda nice to be sitting for an exam, (yes, if you wanna hit me.. dont) after all it's been quite a long while since the previous one.
After EALD, gathered up and headed for AC. Yep! AC, the place next to Taylor's. Me, Limei, Itianne, Amanda, Jo Keat, Gazi, Prem, Melvin, Jack, Steven, and Marcus. Traffic was horrible to say the least. Took ages just to get there. Parking however was a breeze. Rm6.00 T.T! But then, t'was worth it.. was it? :) Makan, pool, taught a bit of Chem, and even ran into a friend.
Yeap, pretty good day :)
1 down, 4 to go. Next to fall, CHEMISTRY! YOU'RE GOING DOOOOOOOOOWN! :)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Unfeeling Artic Breeze
Slosh slosh slosh..
The sound of raindrops fill the air. The smell of it fills the air, and engulfs your senses. It makes a distinctive Slosh sound as it hits the ceiling, the windows and whatever surface around you. It turns the air cold, sends shivers down your back. Ah yes, I can't say I love rain any more than that.
Soaking wet from walking in the rain. I just couldn't stand the notion of being in that place any longer, I had to get away. I looked to the distance, the rain just went on and on for miles. I took a deep breath, tossed my jacket over myself and just started walking. My mind blanked out, but I kept placing one foot in front of the other. I didn't want to turn back, I never did. The rain was never ending, every step I took caused me to get soaked even more. Shelter wasn't far now. I looked up, the lights turned red. Oh great, just my luck. Thankfully traffic wasn't heavy, had to stand still less than a minute. Finally reaching my car, I took a moment to contemplate, then set off.
Some say the rain is chilly. No matter how soaked I got or how strong the wind was. Nothing comes close to the icy heart beating inside my chest.
The sound of raindrops fill the air. The smell of it fills the air, and engulfs your senses. It makes a distinctive Slosh sound as it hits the ceiling, the windows and whatever surface around you. It turns the air cold, sends shivers down your back. Ah yes, I can't say I love rain any more than that.
Soaking wet from walking in the rain. I just couldn't stand the notion of being in that place any longer, I had to get away. I looked to the distance, the rain just went on and on for miles. I took a deep breath, tossed my jacket over myself and just started walking. My mind blanked out, but I kept placing one foot in front of the other. I didn't want to turn back, I never did. The rain was never ending, every step I took caused me to get soaked even more. Shelter wasn't far now. I looked up, the lights turned red. Oh great, just my luck. Thankfully traffic wasn't heavy, had to stand still less than a minute. Finally reaching my car, I took a moment to contemplate, then set off.
Some say the rain is chilly. No matter how soaked I got or how strong the wind was. Nothing comes close to the icy heart beating inside my chest.
Day 46 : Lie Awake
Finally found out why my posts always displayed a date 2 days before the time I actually post the posts. Uhh whaa? Bottom line is, I finally fixed the time zone settings. Woots, yay me.
Strangely enough, today feels like a holiday, feels just like any ordinary Saturday..
Except that it's a Wednesday and my EE, Evaluation Exam, begins TOMORROW! In under 24 hours! And what am I doing now? Just hanging around in the Student Centre at Sunway College, doing maths, and Plants Vs. Zombies :D God I'm so screwed for the exam :D
Strangely enough, today feels like a holiday, feels just like any ordinary Saturday..
Except that it's a Wednesday and my EE, Evaluation Exam, begins TOMORROW! In under 24 hours! And what am I doing now? Just hanging around in the Student Centre at Sunway College, doing maths, and Plants Vs. Zombies :D God I'm so screwed for the exam :D
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Day 45 : What More Could You Ask For?
I have a splitting headache. My head feels like it's about to explode, can't take it no more. One thing's certain, this isn't one of my bouts of overthinking again. I've been through that far too many times. Kinda brings me way back, when I used to be concerned over something different, when that something involved a complete loss of apetite. Although that wasn't at my end and all I could feel was sympathy.
This whole sense of dread started in the morning. Tried not to think too much of it but, I'm me, the classic overthinker. Felt as though a curtain of misery, somewhat shroudlike has just enveloped me.. again. I hate this feeling. To stand by the sidelines, insignificant and incapable.
It's times like these I completely despise the idea of being stumped and of no use to the people around me. It's like blanking out again, losing my conscience, in a metaphorical sense. I still see the people, I can hear their speech, but I can no longer process all the information.
This silence.. it's bone chilling. It feels like I'm floating in an ocean of despair and desolation, never to reach salvation.
Watching time go by, it slices me, time and time again. It cuts me in the same spot, again and again until there's no longer any way to heal my wounds.
My soul is shattered, scattered across the wind, probably to never be whole again. What's a soul anyway?
This whole sense of dread started in the morning. Tried not to think too much of it but, I'm me, the classic overthinker. Felt as though a curtain of misery, somewhat shroudlike has just enveloped me.. again. I hate this feeling. To stand by the sidelines, insignificant and incapable.
It's times like these I completely despise the idea of being stumped and of no use to the people around me. It's like blanking out again, losing my conscience, in a metaphorical sense. I still see the people, I can hear their speech, but I can no longer process all the information.
This silence.. it's bone chilling. It feels like I'm floating in an ocean of despair and desolation, never to reach salvation.
Watching time go by, it slices me, time and time again. It cuts me in the same spot, again and again until there's no longer any way to heal my wounds.
My soul is shattered, scattered across the wind, probably to never be whole again. What's a soul anyway?
I said it before, it kills me inside to see hardships on your face.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Best Bits of Project Alpha Season 2
Everything's passed by like a flash, 49 episodes of Project Alpha Season 2 just whoozed past in a blurry haze.
Well, I'd like to start off by saying that my single most favourite moment of the season is.. drumroll please... The Project Alpha theme song! Lol, no seriously, it's awesome :D
Okay, that aside. One of my favourite moments is the introduction of Niki Cheong during Ep9. He's the first featured blogger of Season 2. During the start, Niki Cheong talks about his interest at writing since a young age and also journalism. It was really interesting when he talked about all the extra benefits of being a journalist, being able to meet famous people :)
Let's not forget the scene Elaine Daly, she's his COUSIN!! D:! And they started talking about their childhood. Turns out his chinese name is Beng! So everyone called him AH BENG. HAHHA :D They just started spiking each other but they also watched each other's back, which was really sweet :) below's the link to that episode.
I liked the meeting between Cheesie and Kenny Sia in Ep23. It really highlights how people are so connected these days even though they might not realise it and the influence the internet has had on us. Kenny Sia has been blogging about her and through that, they got aquainted. It also showed how people can really change in a short period of time, as shown by Ringo and described by her friends. His attempt to play matchmaker was also hilarious. The description of Ringo's dream guy by Kenny Sia was also unforgettable. "If she likes a guy then BOOMBOOMBOOM within 3 days, they'd be together" I couldn't stop laughing at the end when they started talking in a weird accent and singing the Hokkien song. Let's not forget the opening sing where Kenny Sia was also singing :D Here's a link to that episode :)
Well, all good things must come to an end, as sad as they may be. But as one door closes, another one opens in its wake. :) Enjoy the final few episodes of Project Alpha Season 2 as well as a BONUS episode! Omgosh! Who DOESN'T love bonus episodes? :) :) :)
Project Alpha is presented by Adidas Action 3 and supported by P1 and MAS.
Well, I'd like to start off by saying that my single most favourite moment of the season is.. drumroll please... The Project Alpha theme song! Lol, no seriously, it's awesome :D
Okay, that aside. One of my favourite moments is the introduction of Niki Cheong during Ep9. He's the first featured blogger of Season 2. During the start, Niki Cheong talks about his interest at writing since a young age and also journalism. It was really interesting when he talked about all the extra benefits of being a journalist, being able to meet famous people :)
Let's not forget the scene Elaine Daly, she's his COUSIN!! D:! And they started talking about their childhood. Turns out his chinese name is Beng! So everyone called him AH BENG. HAHHA :D They just started spiking each other but they also watched each other's back, which was really sweet :) below's the link to that episode.
I liked the meeting between Cheesie and Kenny Sia in Ep23. It really highlights how people are so connected these days even though they might not realise it and the influence the internet has had on us. Kenny Sia has been blogging about her and through that, they got aquainted. It also showed how people can really change in a short period of time, as shown by Ringo and described by her friends. His attempt to play matchmaker was also hilarious. The description of Ringo's dream guy by Kenny Sia was also unforgettable. "If she likes a guy then BOOMBOOMBOOM within 3 days, they'd be together" I couldn't stop laughing at the end when they started talking in a weird accent and singing the Hokkien song. Let's not forget the opening sing where Kenny Sia was also singing :D Here's a link to that episode :)
Well, all good things must come to an end, as sad as they may be. But as one door closes, another one opens in its wake. :) Enjoy the final few episodes of Project Alpha Season 2 as well as a BONUS episode! Omgosh! Who DOESN'T love bonus episodes? :) :) :)
Project Alpha is presented by Adidas Action 3 and supported by P1 and MAS.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Day 43 : Figment of My Imagination
This is be a completely random and pointless post. Can't believe it's only 11.54am. I have NOTHING to do! Oh my gosh! Perhaps I should get started on that Bio project that's due this Tuesday.. Or I shall procrastinate a bit longer.
I don't know why is it that all my dreams are connected to my life one way or another. It's always has been. Felt like I just went through the whole AusMat year and it was already the final day. Said our goodbyes, and all of us went our seperate ways. Woke up the pain, I seriously can't imagine next year without the AusMat family :(
p.s. She's my castle in the sky (:
I don't know why is it that all my dreams are connected to my life one way or another. It's always has been. Felt like I just went through the whole AusMat year and it was already the final day. Said our goodbyes, and all of us went our seperate ways. Woke up the pain, I seriously can't imagine next year without the AusMat family :(
p.s. She's my castle in the sky (:
Friday, June 4, 2010
Day 41 : Take A Risk, Make A Change
Going over to Monash to completely my application form I sent in earlier during the Open Day. Whee :)
Finally kicking things into gear. EE's coming, and it's coming real soon, next Thursday as a matter of fact..
- EAL/D
- MAT 3C/3D
- CHEMISTRY
- PHYSICS
- BIOLOGY
The 5 subjects are laid out. Guess I gotta plan everything out, how much effort to put into each. I've been doing pretty bad all year long, it's about time I step it up a notch.
EAL/D, otherwise known as English. Hmm, I won't say I have complete confidence for this. I haven't written a darn essay for way too long now, and factual essays have never been my forte or preference. But I feel it will be quite managable.
MAT 3C/3D. The single most hellish subject I've ever taken in my life (heck, who knows after college I might stumble upon smth worse) The very thought of it sends shiver down my spine. I don't know how people can do the questions, so much for being able to do average lvl questions. Exams, I'm screwed. Definitely one of my worst subs. Hopefully I won't fail.
CHEMISTRY, the subject I feel most at home with. Probably my strongest subject, the only one I can rely on to really pull up my coursework marks. Not too happy with my topic test two marks though, I seriously need to step it up to keep with the class standard.
PHYSICS, not my best, but one of my favourite subjects :) AusMat-ians of Phy 4. You know why! :D :D :D!
BIOLOGY, one of my so-so subjects. Did HORRIBLE in previous test. Time for that to change.
Yeah yeah I've been going on and on about exams. What can I say? It won't exactly give a good impression if I had the couldn't careless about exams attitude will it? :)
Had a pretty awesome day. Thank you :) :) :) :) :)
Finally kicking things into gear. EE's coming, and it's coming real soon, next Thursday as a matter of fact..
- EAL/D
- MAT 3C/3D
- CHEMISTRY
- PHYSICS
- BIOLOGY
The 5 subjects are laid out. Guess I gotta plan everything out, how much effort to put into each. I've been doing pretty bad all year long, it's about time I step it up a notch.
EAL/D, otherwise known as English. Hmm, I won't say I have complete confidence for this. I haven't written a darn essay for way too long now, and factual essays have never been my forte or preference. But I feel it will be quite managable.
MAT 3C/3D. The single most hellish subject I've ever taken in my life (heck, who knows after college I might stumble upon smth worse) The very thought of it sends shiver down my spine. I don't know how people can do the questions, so much for being able to do average lvl questions. Exams, I'm screwed. Definitely one of my worst subs. Hopefully I won't fail.
CHEMISTRY, the subject I feel most at home with. Probably my strongest subject, the only one I can rely on to really pull up my coursework marks. Not too happy with my topic test two marks though, I seriously need to step it up to keep with the class standard.
PHYSICS, not my best, but one of my favourite subjects :) AusMat-ians of Phy 4. You know why! :D :D :D!
BIOLOGY, one of my so-so subjects. Did HORRIBLE in previous test. Time for that to change.
Yeah yeah I've been going on and on about exams. What can I say? It won't exactly give a good impression if I had the couldn't careless about exams attitude will it? :)
Had a pretty awesome day. Thank you :) :) :) :) :)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Gimme Food On Flights
Personally, I'm not exactly the avid traveller neither do I actually like flying, the food had never really appealed to me. All the experiences that I actually had flying were spent eating plain ol' canned or packaged food and whatnot. But you know what will really rock?
Having THIS little delicacy as one of the in-flight meals!
Now, if you're not Malaysian you might probably be wondering what in the world is that! For Malaysians like me, it's known to us as "Roti Canai" or "Roti Kosong". Directly translated, it means EMPTY BREAD. Ahahha, I have no idea either :)
Why would I want such a *probably not so* tempting meal anyway? It's one of the MOST famous local dishes and if you're a Malaysian, there is absolutely no chance you've never had a taste of this. Being a Malaysian airline, MAS.. include this! I mean, what better way to promote tourism than to have a local delicacy served on board flights? Served with dhal, it could very well be one of the most flexible tasting food in Malaysia. The chewy texture combo-ed with the sweet *if you dip it in dhal* and slightly oily taste will make the whole flying experience.. truly unforgettable.
I remember a time I used to be so addicted to this dish, eating it for both breakfast AND lunch for almost 5 days straight. I think it is the ONLY dish that I could ever stand eating for a month straight. Yes, I said it, A MONTH! Need I reassure you more of the stranglehold this dish has on Malaysians like me? :)
Now as we start to drool over the idea of this being served in flights, why not kick back and relax. Play a round of Plants Vs. Zombies. Or even watch Project Alpha below :)
Project Alpha is presented by Adidas Action 3 and supported by P1 and MAS. Never go hungry while flying with MAS!
Having THIS little delicacy as one of the in-flight meals!
Now, if you're not Malaysian you might probably be wondering what in the world is that! For Malaysians like me, it's known to us as "Roti Canai" or "Roti Kosong". Directly translated, it means EMPTY BREAD. Ahahha, I have no idea either :)
Why would I want such a *probably not so* tempting meal anyway? It's one of the MOST famous local dishes and if you're a Malaysian, there is absolutely no chance you've never had a taste of this. Being a Malaysian airline, MAS.. include this! I mean, what better way to promote tourism than to have a local delicacy served on board flights? Served with dhal, it could very well be one of the most flexible tasting food in Malaysia. The chewy texture combo-ed with the sweet *if you dip it in dhal* and slightly oily taste will make the whole flying experience.. truly unforgettable.
I remember a time I used to be so addicted to this dish, eating it for both breakfast AND lunch for almost 5 days straight. I think it is the ONLY dish that I could ever stand eating for a month straight. Yes, I said it, A MONTH! Need I reassure you more of the stranglehold this dish has on Malaysians like me? :)
Now as we start to drool over the idea of this being served in flights, why not kick back and relax. Play a round of Plants Vs. Zombies. Or even watch Project Alpha below :)
Project Alpha is presented by Adidas Action 3 and supported by P1 and MAS. Never go hungry while flying with MAS!
Day 39 : Drag Your Feet
Once again I feel as though I'm being enveloped by an invisible shroud of misery. Why, You ask? Probably due to one the worst nightmares I've had the prospect of experiencing. Maybe it's even due to the lack of sleep the past week. As to the details of the matter, being me, I won't disclose it. :D
The signs are unclear, vague as ever as I struggle to find my bearing down this long winding road. Seems like only yesterday I was at crossroads, then again I've already been through these lows more often than most. It kind of pains me when I see people around me stumble and fall, only to pick themselves up and succeed in their endeavors while I'm left in the dark. Never to see the light of day.
"Honest I've been begging for answers, that you and only you can give to me. A voice crying loud, been crying for days now.." ~I'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds.
I see silhouettes in the distance, their nature unfathomable, the path to them unclear.
It takes a lot to smile now, it used to come naturally. I never knew before that there were different smiles. The smile of laughter is temporary, you enjoy it, but you forget about it almost as soon as it came. The one that really touches you is when that person gets you all jittery and your smile reaches the very depth of your soul.
Random thought : I need ice cream! :D
p.s. Chemistry is also known as Physical Science :D
The signs are unclear, vague as ever as I struggle to find my bearing down this long winding road. Seems like only yesterday I was at crossroads, then again I've already been through these lows more often than most. It kind of pains me when I see people around me stumble and fall, only to pick themselves up and succeed in their endeavors while I'm left in the dark. Never to see the light of day.
"Honest I've been begging for answers, that you and only you can give to me. A voice crying loud, been crying for days now.." ~I'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds.
I see silhouettes in the distance, their nature unfathomable, the path to them unclear.
It takes a lot to smile now, it used to come naturally. I never knew before that there were different smiles. The smile of laughter is temporary, you enjoy it, but you forget about it almost as soon as it came. The one that really touches you is when that person gets you all jittery and your smile reaches the very depth of your soul.
Random thought : I need ice cream! :D
p.s. Chemistry is also known as Physical Science :D
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Day 38 : She's the Queen of Calamity
Every felt like you've stumbled upon a brick wall, or to hit a dead end in your life? When everything just seems to work against you, when the best of plans fall to bits in the tiniest of seconds. I guess I'm just starting to get paranoid about the smallest details in my oh so average life. It could very well me just me (or the instrumental version of Brighter playing in the background) but I've never felt like such a disappointment to myself and the people around me.
I don't stand out, I ain't sociable, I blend into the crowd completely, at times I feel nothing more than just a passing shadow which fades when the light ceases to exist. For those of you who know me, you'll know that I ain't exactly in the best of moods now. My head feels like it's in a million places and I'm starting to lose track of what's right and what's not.
Sometimes it just feels so good to lose yourself, let it all fade. To know nothingness and feel like an empty soul. It really helps make life so much simpler.
"Just don't give up, I'm working it out" The very tune of this starts to get me thinking a whole lot, sometimes a little bit too much.
When one door closes, another one opens. As time goes on, I can feel the subtle creaks in the air as the door is being closed. Perhaps the groundwork for a new path has been laid out. I don't know anymore. I want time to cease.
Note to self : Make a happy playlist.
I don't stand out, I ain't sociable, I blend into the crowd completely, at times I feel nothing more than just a passing shadow which fades when the light ceases to exist. For those of you who know me, you'll know that I ain't exactly in the best of moods now. My head feels like it's in a million places and I'm starting to lose track of what's right and what's not.
Sometimes it just feels so good to lose yourself, let it all fade. To know nothingness and feel like an empty soul. It really helps make life so much simpler.
"Just don't give up, I'm working it out" The very tune of this starts to get me thinking a whole lot, sometimes a little bit too much.
When one door closes, another one opens. As time goes on, I can feel the subtle creaks in the air as the door is being closed. Perhaps the groundwork for a new path has been laid out. I don't know anymore. I want time to cease.
Note to self : Make a happy playlist.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Relaxation
Finally, all the hard work paid off. Everything comes to an end, 4 weeks of what felt like an uphill battle has finally ceased (well, almost. not till I'm done with the final part)! If you're wondering what this is, it's the notorious EALD assignment that's been plaguing the hearts and minds of me and fellow AusMat-ians alike.
Trust me when I say this is one assignment that really messes with your head. Or perhaps it's just the fact that all of us have been TRAINED (by you know what system) to procrastinate till the very last two weeks of the assignment submission deadline to even contemplate the idea of beginning your work.
All in all, it's a time for celebration, a time to rejoice! Itianne, Steven and Amanda.. You know very well what that means! :)
Trust me when I say this is one assignment that really messes with your head. Or perhaps it's just the fact that all of us have been TRAINED (by you know what system) to procrastinate till the very last two weeks of the assignment submission deadline to even contemplate the idea of beginning your work.
All in all, it's a time for celebration, a time to rejoice! Itianne, Steven and Amanda.. You know very well what that means! :)
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