"Is it my turn to die?"
I knew it, I knew it.. My guts were right this time.
I've had it with all these. I'm through with deception, I'm sick and tired of everything. Reality, motivated by nothing less than mere jealousy, the thought of losing the one thing that means the most to me. I hate having to open my eyes, to live each day as though I'm still in one piece. It was clear enough, yet I refute truth, hoping to replace it with a more acceptable illusion, a farce. Somehow, I actually still believed.
Time and time again, I've been let down. You hear it every time you are slapped in the face with disappointment. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Yeah, I have to agree it's true. But what if.. just if.. after you get stronger, you run into something even more painful. Stabbed again. and again. Once, twice, a thrice now. I never should've expected anything but I did. I had hoped, I'm not trying to be self-centred and conceited.. but I do deserve a break after all I've been through in the past.
It felt surreal then, some people say the first will be the sweetest. Sadly, not everyone gets happy endings. I wished I had been one of the lucky ones. But alas, circumstances, lack of knowing what to do, and just being plain' Kinoc ruined it all. The pain lasted well over a year although I finally got over it. Time truly is the medicine for any wound.
It left as soon as it came. A chance encounter, I supposed I was.. mesmerized. I can't exactly recalled how it all started but I knew I had to keep it low profile. Against all odds, and my big mouth, I did.. somehow. Course, couldn't escape the notice of a few friends of mine as they knew I wouldn't actually mix with someone outside my class, let alone outside my year. 3 months flashed by.. and it just.. stopped. No actual goodbyes, no nothing. A cliffhanger ending.
I supposed I might have grown more resilient somewhat. I guess I wanted peace, a break from it all. Take a nice long nap, in a manner of speaking. Or as one of best friend calls it, "Sitting still". Yeah sure, sounds like a fool-proof concept.. Except for the part bout it not working. Or maybe it was just me and my inability to sit still, always fidgeting about wanting some form of attention.
I'd write about the next part of my life, under normal circumstances. Sadly, if I need it'll be nothing more of a repost of what I've written in at least 5 individual posts. Wow. I wish I'd known then what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have chose the path I did. Blissfully unaware to everything, I chose to start digging my own grave, all over again. Step by step, I pushed on, and on, and on. Now, I have no idea where I am, what I am, where I'm going. A lost soul.
Pain, driven by the betrayal of one I trusted. In your eyes, I had always been second best, have I not? Nothing, an insignificant existence. No, I can't compare. The way I had always been treated as an inferior, second to.. .. I wished I was as lucky. True, I've been touched by those words. But to receive it second, it's a double edge knife.. with imbalanced blades. The backward one is way sharper, honed by lies and deception.
You sound like you care, but do you really?
"You can fall time and time again, hitting rock bottom every time. But it'll all be worth it, when you find someone worth falling for."
For once I'm using my own words.
Shit I miss my electric, can't play metal on a darn acoustic. ARGH!
Today, is the day of the death of a friendship. With friends like that, who the f*ck needs enemies.
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