I'm not alone

Cause you're everywhere to me.

Bio's over today, meaning there's only 2 subjects left for me to do in SPM, physics and chem.
It also signifies the end of another thing to me. Somehow, I couldn't careless. I'm kinda torn up inside again. Although for a very brief moment, everything seemed right. The pain ceased, the numbness went away and I felt all of the weight that's been on my mind just dissappear.

It felt good to be at ease, so at ease. I'm gonna miss that feeling.

Boy Meets Girl (And Vice Versa)

FM Static is awesome :)

Well, the past few days have been rather.. uneventful. Finally downloaded HS5. Stupid overlarge installer. Sigh. Well, it's fun to try out smth new after months of nothing but HoN. Doubt I'll ever get addicted, that's the last thing I need now. Just gotta wait till SPM is over, that's less than 2 weeks from now. Awesome, no? Also goes to show how time flies.

Feeling kinda weird now. This is the time whatever dream I had the night before should start making it's way back into my conscious mind. Okay, I remember now. Ouch, that dream hurt. In a metaphorical way, lmao.

HighStreet 5

Well.. I needed something new to try out. Getting sick of HoN, it's practically playing DotA.

And I'm also sick of MMORPGs. Cabal, Shaiya, blablabla. Takes way too much time to play.

Only problem now is HS5 overhuge installation file. 1.9GB. Epic shit, took me whole day to dl and I still haven't gotten it. Sigh. Tried an alternative method, but I highly doubt that'll work. No reply anyway, just what I expected.

EDIT : God I suck at this game XD

Stupidity

Sigh, my heart actually leaped for that stupid reason. Must resist.

Ouch, I felt that one. Right through me, again.

Come to think of it, I would actually get down on my knees and grovel. If I was asked to, I seriously wouldnt mind.

Through hell for you

Approximately 59 days left to go. Sigh, I have no idea it's already been so long. It's November for goodness sake! This time I shall stick to my resolve, 59 more days of brooding. Then no more. I WILL NOT TAKE ANY F*CKIN MORE OF THIS SHIT!!

Hopefully this time it works. A year each huh.. 1 for trying and another for brooding. Guess I should just put this behind me. Maybe it can be done, I'll no longer see whatever will trigger me to go into a state of.. subconscious hyperventilation. It'll feel good to finally be able to breathe properly again.. It felt like hell. What I went through. Although it may not be as bad compared to some people, to me it was the worst possible moment in life I had to live through. I've only been through it once and sure enough, I messed up horribly.

Once again. Take a deep breath, let out a huge sigh.

Listening to Two Is Better Than One by BLG and Taylor Swift..
"I still remember what you wore on that first day".. ironically I still do, white collared t-shirt, jeans. Yay, I'm letting everything invade the silent peace I had.

Additional Mathematics

was easier than I expected. Actually had almost an hour to spare after paper 2. Paper 1.. Lol no need say la breezed through. If I don't know how to do it, I don't see the point of stoning at the same question. So just randomly bullshit the 1st thought that came to mind.

There's a 4 hour break in between both papers. Yes, this is the part you exclaim your shock at the ridiculously long break. So went over to sam's place. 10 of us. To.. "study" add math 2. Strangely enough, against all odds, and a lot of chocolate, we did quite a alot.. Compared to normal la...

PIZZA FTW

Next monday.. will be THE LAST DAY. Sigh.. After years of knowing her, it'll be the last day I'll ever see her. Maybe it's a good sign.. or I'm just in denial again.

Private?

I'm thinking about making my blog private. Don't want random people to start reading the things I write here. :O

Just gonna think it over, and decide once I figure out how to actually make it private.

Let me know if you want to like.. be an invited reader or whatever you call it. Just in case I miss anyone out :)

Suddenly I feel sad.. Sigh.. Just realised that next monday will be THE LAST DAY I will ever see that person. Great Kino, just great. Look what you've done.

You're so selfish

I punch the wall as I break my fist. Papa Roach is awesome :DDDD

Back to reality, almost at the halfway mark of SPM. All that's left now is Moral, Add Math and the 3 Science subs. Been told to stop gping out early during almost every exam. It's not my fault I finish my exam fast. You're given a choice to go out for a reason.

Hmm.. This is strange.. My mind is blank.. Like.. Literally.. I'm just.. doing nothing :D

Listening to sad songs.. causes images of my past to flood back into my mind and I go into a depressive state. And yet.. I enjoy it.. The feeling of knowing you failed and there's nothing you can do about it. It just consumes me.. I never realised how 1 person could wreck me up so badly. Had I known.. I would have stayed away.

Agape

Agape is love that expresses itself through altruism, or making sacrifices for another person. Unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love. The highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection, non-sexual affection.

Sadistic hope

Slowly, pieces of my memories are coming back to me. Guess whatever happened in the initial six months didn't register on my mind. I barely have any recollection of living through this year. Why'd I acted the way I did? I should have pretended that nothing was wrong. The very day after, it was still salvageable. But noooooo, I had to act all idiotic and talk in such an idiotic manner. It was the turning point, which sent everything that mattered in my life downhill. "I know you're emo now, take care" More or less that was the last phrase. Then came the silence. It was torturing, burning me inside. For days on end, the pain wouldn't go away. Of course, there was no way I could get in touch, t'was obvious I was being avoided. I kinda realised it after a week without the signing in message. She was about as addicted to the internet as I was.

At some point, I remember a time I attempted reconciliation. I remembered the apology, and the 10 second convo a few days after that. For a moment everything went back to normal. Then, it came crashing down again. This is the part I do not remember. I have no idea what triggered me to start being the one who's avoiding instead of being avoided. My mind's been telling me all sorts of things that I could use to piece into the situation. I could no longer tell right from wrong.

And then, that date came, the one I could never forget even if I wanted to. How could I when it's been etched so deeply into my mind? Was it 12 am..? Seriously hate it when I can't remember as well as I used to.. Oh.. Yeah, it was 12. I remember ignoring my parents and insisting on staying up. Then the reply came as I was about to fall asleep. I didn't anticipate one. I know that having hope was only going to hurt myself in the end. Maybe there was a tear in my eye, but it was one of the most relaxed I have ever felt when I read what was written.

Of course, sooner of later my mind just turned that whole thing around. I keep feeding myself with lies and deception, I fell right back into avoiding again. Somehow I convinced myself it was a lie and I would fall deeper into the trance. Either way, I was never out of it so there really wasn't much point trying.

Pockets of memories are still missing. Thinking back, I realised how lifeless I must have looked. Sigh.

Day 3 / 300

Ironic how both days match up like that. Didn't realise it's already been 300 days since then. Anyways, sat for EST today. I wonder why it's even given such a long time. Paper 1, done in 30 mins. Paper 2, done in 15. Well, so far it's been smooth sailing. 4 exams down, 6 to go.

The pain didn't burn as much as it normally does. Yeah I still felt the stabbing pain, but this time without the numbness. The slight jumpy and happy feeling is back, it isn't a good sign. I'm starting to fall back into the trance she put me in. This is just like in June. I remember that day clearly, it was the last time I had an actual face to face convo, which lasted a mere 10 seconds and ended up with me running away.

Backwards

Day 2 of SPM...

English was awesome!! Fu-yoh they gave awesome topic, end a story with "..We said our goodbyes and went our seperate ways". Being me, I wrote that one. If only I could get my essay back.. I literally poured my soul into it. And of course if you read it, you'd notice certain things which are.. well basically you'd know where I got the ideas from and who the characters were. Swt.

HISTOREEEEE. OMGGGG. DAAAAI.
or so I thought...?
Came out an hour early. HAHA IN YOUR FACE HISTORY PAPER!

I had to come out early. I felt uncomfortable and needed to desperately get out of the hall. Just rushed through my last few sentences. I think I know why though. It's always the same cause anyways. And as usual after that, thought it was ok. But no, of course it wouldn't be, that'd be too convenient. Went to grab my bag and literally ran out of the area. I hate it when my mind is drawn towards 1 place while my legs start carrying me in the completely opposite direction. It was well.. I don't know how to describe it. But I saw the cold expression, it sent chills down my spine. I didn't want to go anywhere near although my mind ached to.

Sigh, once again complaining about the same thing I never had the guts to face. Go figure.

My last words

"Enjoy yourself, I gtg liao. Sleep. Lol. Hopefully don't collapse, if then then TH tomorrow. Nights"

Couldn't see crap since both were black fonts. Damn hard to tell the difference. yeah, I just love inflicting pain on myself. Whee. Those were my exact last few sentences I could say before the 8 month long silence, which hasn't ended.

As time passes I'm starting to realise she isn't worth my time, but she still has a tight grip on me.

Day 1

First day of SPM. Yeah, it's finally here. Feels kinda surreal. Meh.
BM was.. kinda ok.. History.. also ok. Tomoro = gg.

Strangely enough the numbness wasn't so bad today. It remained at a tolerable level. Stranger still, it felt kinda.. relaxing.. as opposed to the usual hate and despair it causes to look. Sigh.

Spent an hour after getting out of bm exam doing.. nothing. I just sat at the dewan.. staring at the rain. wtf? Ugh, sometimes.. I just.. get annoyed by the rain however relaxing it may be, reminds me of better days. Coincidentally, every significant day I spent.. was raining.

Judgement Day

In less than 11 hours, SPM will start. This is gonna be a hellish month.

Then again maybe I'm already in hell.

As usual, while inconspicuously looking at my older facebook apps, I stumble across something which would make my day just.. go downhill. Yay for Stickers, awesome app.

You made me this way, and even you can't pull me out now. I don't believe what you said. I felt the icy cold stare pierce right through me. So what if you were telling the truth? I'll never recover, every little thing you do affects me one way or the other and never in a positive way.

Isolation

They won't understand, nobody will understand. The things that I do, the way I act, the things I fear. The only way for someone to understand is for them to have gone through the exact things themselves. They can say all they want, it won't change me. Only one person's opinion had ever really mattered anyway.

Those 3 words are said too much

You weren't there when I was spiralling into depression and yet I still less than 3 you.

Grad

Pictures and videos up on facebook. I'm too lazy to post about it. No mood.

And so another day passes in silence.

"It creeps in like a spider, it can't be killed although I try and try to. Don't you see, I don't wanna love you but I do"

Reading chat history can be fun sometimes, reminds me of better days, and really annoying times where I had to highlight chat. swt ==

Conclusion

This is it, there is absolutely no chance of reconcile whatsoever. This is screwed up so bad, I don't even give a fuck no more. Yeah, I'm a coward and do nothing but run away. I don't give no fuck bout what anyone says. If things between me and her are already so screwed up, I might as well fuck it up more. Whee.

Graduation Day today. Can't believe this is the end already. Sigh. Well.. Everything went well, or rather I was able to keep myself sane for most of the day. That is until.. Well, I don't have to say it, everyone who was around me knows already anyway. Phased out and stared blankly into space for 30 mins. Whee~

Envy and Rage is overwhelming my thoughts.

I'll make a post about grad later. Can't find USB for camera.

If having feelings only lets us feel pain, won't we be better off without them?

Edit : Oh fuck, why does that face have to be practically everywhere I look. Whee, just goes to show don't go to random blogs. FUCK NOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT AGAIN.

"I'll pay you to be my driver.. Whoever got car first must bring out k, deal"

That remains the fondest memory I have of how close I used to be. And of course my awesome friend had to interrupt me.

You may have tried to convince me I was despised, but I don't believe you. I can't even look you square in the eye anyway. I'll just continue being in denial. You can't pull me out, not anymore. After the way you cut a wound so deep it'll never heal despite all my efforts. I'll never forget, and probably never forgive, both myself and you.

Awesome, the beginning of yet another breakdown. And now there'd be a total of.. 8 + 5, 13 breakdowns. woohoo.

Two hundred forty thousand one hundred and eight. That's the number, the beginning of my end.

Last minute preparations

I can't think of much to write. Nothing much has been happening everyday besides the whole "omg spm is so near" and whatnot. Yeah, next Wednesday, it'll be Judgement Day for every single 17 year old / form 5 / tards who failed spm and are resitting it = wtf.

So in the spirit of studying, me, ash, gazi, jw, went over to sam's place in an attempt to.. "group study". Turns out the only way we could study was to all be in 1 place. Cause if we weren't, and we were all in our houses, we would ALL be online, and HoNing. Rofl max. So yeah, gathered up, internetless place, then focus on nothing but studying. Sounded like a good idea, no?

Well.. The idea is good, the execution sucked. Rofl. Went over at about 11. It took us like.. 10 minutes to actually decide on where we should study. When we finally decided, took us another 10 minutes to decide what to study, add math or history. hahah! Well.. We sat down and actually focused.. for about.. an hour or so. Lmao, then the whole chatting about random stuff began. Then everyone complained about being hungry and raiding Sam's fridge for Freddo (it's friggin awesome chocolate) and Sam ordered pizza. So yeah, did about an hour of study, then went to look at Sam's dogs while waiting for pizza. (I knew we'd get sidetracked)

Mmm... Pizza... Drool.. And of course, "Dey, let's watch a movie while eating pizza. Aiya a movie at most also 1 and a half hours la" So you can basically guess what happened next. IP MAN. ROFL

T'was an awesome movie with epic fight scenes :DDD

Went back to studying for.. 10 minutes..

Overall.. Failed study plan. ROFL

Statistics

Let's be realistic I'm more than a statistic to you and it hurts so deep inside. Maybe I'm sadistic, I love when you inflict it on me.

Yeah, getting obsessed with Madina Lake all over again. There's only so much time left till SPM. Sigh, I'm barely prepared.. Although I think it won't be that bad.. Just gotta weather the first week cause there's where all the killer subs are.. namely History.

Life's pretty much the same old routine. Get up, get ready for school/breakfast (depending on whether I'm going to school or not) while trying to remember whatever dream I had last night, waste time at school/home. Then scramble to my computer and come online trying to find someone to bug. There's hardly anyone on that I talk to now. I used to bug everyone :(
I think the total people I actually talk to online now is.. Around 5 people.. Give or take another 2.
No wait.. that was way back. Now.. 1 to 3. Whee. As usual wasted the whole day today doing almost nothing, god I feel so guilty now. =.=

School was okay though, strangely enough. Attempted to study an hour before recess, did some add math, talked crap with Edwin. Speaking of which, I hate having recurring dreams at times.. and dreaming inside a dream. Ever got one where you woke up from a dream and went through a whole day just to get up again and realised it was another dream? There was the shopping mall, watching everyone go to out of school, and a hell lot more I wish I didn't remember, like the stupid one wk mentioned to me. Ugh, it's so annoying. And considering the crap I dream of, I seriously can't tell what has happened and what hasn't. Well, Edwin say dreams are related to the way a person thinks.. And I think way too complicatedly. From past experience, I tend to get paranoid and make a big fuss out of the tiniest of matters.

I don't even know why I'm writing this post.. probably trying to get some practice on writing before SPM. Yes, I fail, I already know, it would seem I just fail at anything I try. Then again, after so long, I've kinda gotten used to dissapointment. *sad face*

Happy 17th to Sam

Once again, happy birthday to you, Samuel Chew Pak Kheong, otherwise known as dam rich fella, X4mu3l, feedercake, K1ll3rM0nk3y. lmao~

It's been 4 years since I've known you :D And it's been an awesome 4 years since then. Since the day you walked into class and thrashed the cupboard (yes, I doubt I'll forget this) the 1st week and of course.. In form 2 "No! Mr. President, don't sit, there might be a bomb!"
Ahhahahaha, good times.. good times..

Sometimes I just wanna scream

Ugh, didn't know I was still capable of jealousy. Why am I always the gutless one. Zzz, is this really all I can ever do? I always screw everything up. First with zz and now with zz. Ugh. For the 1st time the second's making me go through what I felt with the 1st.

Here we go again, the feeling of being punched in the chest. or is it heartache? :O
Strange.. normally I require a visual trigger..

Boredom

This post is entirely out of boredom.. among other things.

Ever felt real shocked surprised blablabla? Well, got downstairs after studying/gaming. Looked out my door and wtcrap~!

Saw a new car in the porch. :OOOOO~! Mum said it's gonna be mine in 3 years :OO. That's long.. not even sure if I'm really gonna get that but yay!

Lmao, found that lying in my guitar bag :O I actually completely forgotten about it. Whee Daughtry lanyard :DDDDDDD VIP

Stationary

It's the one that means standing still, not the one about pencils and whatnot.

It's been almost 10 months. If I can live 10 months like this, who's to say I won't go another 10 months, or years. There's ups and downs, but the pain remains the same. Everytime I think of it, I feel numb to the core. Well, there's nothing much I can do about it when 90% of everything around me reminds me of a person. Even the song playing in the background, theme song for that bread anime, can't remember the title. Thinking of how I used to chat bout it. I suck I know.

To quote what someone once said to me "People can make choices, you just choose to make it harder for yourself" Guess she was right. Haha. I should've listened to her right from the start :O