"Cause I've seen love die way too many times"
Never dwindle on the past. But what if you can never escape it, and it haunts you from day to day despite your best efforts to put up a good face and keep a smile on your face? In time, it wears you down and you're constantly breaking down, without any warning whatsoever. Sigh, guess it's still etched somewhere deep in my mind, to never forget the one person I had ever cared about this much, the one I would do anything for, the one I would try my best even though it was never enough. The one very same person.. who had forgotten I had ever existed.
I miss that person. Sometimes, it hurts a lil bit, it seems I had put it all behind me. Sometimes, I'd just remember certain things I did for her, and all it would take is 1 sentence, or looking at a place, or just reminiscing. To me, her name is virtually taboo, and I always hated it when someone mentions her. I'd get messed up way too bad. Ironically enough, when someone starts talking bout her, I'd follow suit, and I'd go on and on. Funny how I'll tell someone to stop, before continuing the conversation myself.
All those times I was down, she was always there. The one person who could ever cheer me up, the one I always believed in, the person I trusted most. I never asked for much, a simple conversation would have sent me into a wave of euphoria for at least a few days. On the contrary, it takes just as little to send me spiralling into depression. When you get affected this much by a person, it's kinda a really.. Obvious sign you feel smth.
Silence is what hurt the most. Every single day I'd stay up late, just to have a simple chat. Guess it kinda became a routine of mine. And yeah she knew how to hit where it hurt most. Days grew into weeks, weeks into months. There was no sign of her. Then again, after what I had did the day before the silence began, who could blame her for her actions? I'd stare at my phone, waiting for hours and hours to no avail, there was no turning back. Till this day, I feel this is the reason my antagonism towards her is this strong. I had screwed up the one chance I had. She had tried (I suppose) to go back to normal, but I did nothing but gave her the cold shoulder. "I know you're emo now, I don't wanna disturb you. Cheer up and take care", t'was the very LAST sentence I had ever received before 6 months of isolation.
The weird part is, after those 6 months. I actually managed to talk to her again.. Once. By a very lucky chance. There was no other time she would be alone, I wouldn't have dared approach her. A conversation that lasted a grand total of.. 10 seconds which consisted of 3 lines. Being me, I ran off. Whee! I feel like such a coward. but still, the depression left for a week. I was able to smile again, genuinely.
BOOM! The silence came again, I have no idea why. Guess I'm just someone to be toyed around with. Nothing more than the object of someone's fancy, to be tossed aside at any moment once they got bored with it. Another 4 months of silence. It did nothing but fuel my growing hatred and repulsion. Although I could never hate perfection.
"Love brings memories nobody can erase"
The 24th. I'll remember it, as long as I live. The very day my whole life changed, I'll remember every detail, I mean.. How could I ever forget? Leaving that day, my heart raced, my thoughts were cloudy, the only thing I could ever think about was that smile and the anticipation to see the very same smile the next day..
2009's drawing to a close, the worst year of my life is coming to an end. Sometimes I wish I had never gone through any of this, but this is what made me who I am today.
As 2010 approaches, I want nothing more than to put my past behind me. I wanna just lock up every thought I have of her, and store it in a little box and throw away the key. It'll be a new year, a new day, and most importantly, a new life and a new beginning for me.
I can talk all I want but I doubt I can really achive it. I miss her :(
*god I write alot when I'm depressed
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