was easier than I expected. Actually had almost an hour to spare after paper 2. Paper 1.. Lol no need say la breezed through. If I don't know how to do it, I don't see the point of stoning at the same question. So just randomly bullshit the 1st thought that came to mind.
There's a 4 hour break in between both papers. Yes, this is the part you exclaim your shock at the ridiculously long break. So went over to sam's place. 10 of us. To.. "study" add math 2. Strangely enough, against all odds, and a lot of chocolate, we did quite a alot.. Compared to normal la...
PIZZA FTW
Next monday.. will be THE LAST DAY. Sigh.. After years of knowing her, it'll be the last day I'll ever see her. Maybe it's a good sign.. or I'm just in denial again.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Private?
I'm thinking about making my blog private. Don't want random people to start reading the things I write here. :O
Just gonna think it over, and decide once I figure out how to actually make it private.
Let me know if you want to like.. be an invited reader or whatever you call it. Just in case I miss anyone out :)
Suddenly I feel sad.. Sigh.. Just realised that next monday will be THE LAST DAY I will ever see that person. Great Kino, just great. Look what you've done.
Just gonna think it over, and decide once I figure out how to actually make it private.
Let me know if you want to like.. be an invited reader or whatever you call it. Just in case I miss anyone out :)
Suddenly I feel sad.. Sigh.. Just realised that next monday will be THE LAST DAY I will ever see that person. Great Kino, just great. Look what you've done.
You're so selfish
I punch the wall as I break my fist. Papa Roach is awesome :DDDD
Back to reality, almost at the halfway mark of SPM. All that's left now is Moral, Add Math and the 3 Science subs. Been told to stop gping out early during almost every exam. It's not my fault I finish my exam fast. You're given a choice to go out for a reason.
Hmm.. This is strange.. My mind is blank.. Like.. Literally.. I'm just.. doing nothing :D
Listening to sad songs.. causes images of my past to flood back into my mind and I go into a depressive state. And yet.. I enjoy it.. The feeling of knowing you failed and there's nothing you can do about it. It just consumes me.. I never realised how 1 person could wreck me up so badly. Had I known.. I would have stayed away.
Back to reality, almost at the halfway mark of SPM. All that's left now is Moral, Add Math and the 3 Science subs. Been told to stop gping out early during almost every exam. It's not my fault I finish my exam fast. You're given a choice to go out for a reason.
Hmm.. This is strange.. My mind is blank.. Like.. Literally.. I'm just.. doing nothing :D
Listening to sad songs.. causes images of my past to flood back into my mind and I go into a depressive state. And yet.. I enjoy it.. The feeling of knowing you failed and there's nothing you can do about it. It just consumes me.. I never realised how 1 person could wreck me up so badly. Had I known.. I would have stayed away.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Agape
Agape is love that expresses itself through altruism, or making sacrifices for another person. Unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love. The highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection, non-sexual affection.
Sadistic hope
Slowly, pieces of my memories are coming back to me. Guess whatever happened in the initial six months didn't register on my mind. I barely have any recollection of living through this year. Why'd I acted the way I did? I should have pretended that nothing was wrong. The very day after, it was still salvageable. But noooooo, I had to act all idiotic and talk in such an idiotic manner. It was the turning point, which sent everything that mattered in my life downhill. "I know you're emo now, take care" More or less that was the last phrase. Then came the silence. It was torturing, burning me inside. For days on end, the pain wouldn't go away. Of course, there was no way I could get in touch, t'was obvious I was being avoided. I kinda realised it after a week without the signing in message. She was about as addicted to the internet as I was.
At some point, I remember a time I attempted reconciliation. I remembered the apology, and the 10 second convo a few days after that. For a moment everything went back to normal. Then, it came crashing down again. This is the part I do not remember. I have no idea what triggered me to start being the one who's avoiding instead of being avoided. My mind's been telling me all sorts of things that I could use to piece into the situation. I could no longer tell right from wrong.
And then, that date came, the one I could never forget even if I wanted to. How could I when it's been etched so deeply into my mind? Was it 12 am..? Seriously hate it when I can't remember as well as I used to.. Oh.. Yeah, it was 12. I remember ignoring my parents and insisting on staying up. Then the reply came as I was about to fall asleep. I didn't anticipate one. I know that having hope was only going to hurt myself in the end. Maybe there was a tear in my eye, but it was one of the most relaxed I have ever felt when I read what was written.
Of course, sooner of later my mind just turned that whole thing around. I keep feeding myself with lies and deception, I fell right back into avoiding again. Somehow I convinced myself it was a lie and I would fall deeper into the trance. Either way, I was never out of it so there really wasn't much point trying.
Pockets of memories are still missing. Thinking back, I realised how lifeless I must have looked. Sigh.
At some point, I remember a time I attempted reconciliation. I remembered the apology, and the 10 second convo a few days after that. For a moment everything went back to normal. Then, it came crashing down again. This is the part I do not remember. I have no idea what triggered me to start being the one who's avoiding instead of being avoided. My mind's been telling me all sorts of things that I could use to piece into the situation. I could no longer tell right from wrong.
And then, that date came, the one I could never forget even if I wanted to. How could I when it's been etched so deeply into my mind? Was it 12 am..? Seriously hate it when I can't remember as well as I used to.. Oh.. Yeah, it was 12. I remember ignoring my parents and insisting on staying up. Then the reply came as I was about to fall asleep. I didn't anticipate one. I know that having hope was only going to hurt myself in the end. Maybe there was a tear in my eye, but it was one of the most relaxed I have ever felt when I read what was written.
Of course, sooner of later my mind just turned that whole thing around. I keep feeding myself with lies and deception, I fell right back into avoiding again. Somehow I convinced myself it was a lie and I would fall deeper into the trance. Either way, I was never out of it so there really wasn't much point trying.
Pockets of memories are still missing. Thinking back, I realised how lifeless I must have looked. Sigh.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Day 3 / 300
Ironic how both days match up like that. Didn't realise it's already been 300 days since then. Anyways, sat for EST today. I wonder why it's even given such a long time. Paper 1, done in 30 mins. Paper 2, done in 15. Well, so far it's been smooth sailing. 4 exams down, 6 to go.
The pain didn't burn as much as it normally does. Yeah I still felt the stabbing pain, but this time without the numbness. The slight jumpy and happy feeling is back, it isn't a good sign. I'm starting to fall back into the trance she put me in. This is just like in June. I remember that day clearly, it was the last time I had an actual face to face convo, which lasted a mere 10 seconds and ended up with me running away.
The pain didn't burn as much as it normally does. Yeah I still felt the stabbing pain, but this time without the numbness. The slight jumpy and happy feeling is back, it isn't a good sign. I'm starting to fall back into the trance she put me in. This is just like in June. I remember that day clearly, it was the last time I had an actual face to face convo, which lasted a mere 10 seconds and ended up with me running away.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Backwards
Day 2 of SPM...
English was awesome!! Fu-yoh they gave awesome topic, end a story with "..We said our goodbyes and went our seperate ways". Being me, I wrote that one. If only I could get my essay back.. I literally poured my soul into it. And of course if you read it, you'd notice certain things which are.. well basically you'd know where I got the ideas from and who the characters were. Swt.
HISTOREEEEE. OMGGGG. DAAAAI.
or so I thought...?
Came out an hour early. HAHA IN YOUR FACE HISTORY PAPER!
I had to come out early. I felt uncomfortable and needed to desperately get out of the hall. Just rushed through my last few sentences. I think I know why though. It's always the same cause anyways. And as usual after that, thought it was ok. But no, of course it wouldn't be, that'd be too convenient. Went to grab my bag and literally ran out of the area. I hate it when my mind is drawn towards 1 place while my legs start carrying me in the completely opposite direction. It was well.. I don't know how to describe it. But I saw the cold expression, it sent chills down my spine. I didn't want to go anywhere near although my mind ached to.
Sigh, once again complaining about the same thing I never had the guts to face. Go figure.
English was awesome!! Fu-yoh they gave awesome topic, end a story with "..We said our goodbyes and went our seperate ways". Being me, I wrote that one. If only I could get my essay back.. I literally poured my soul into it. And of course if you read it, you'd notice certain things which are.. well basically you'd know where I got the ideas from and who the characters were. Swt.
HISTOREEEEE. OMGGGG. DAAAAI.
or so I thought...?
Came out an hour early. HAHA IN YOUR FACE HISTORY PAPER!
I had to come out early. I felt uncomfortable and needed to desperately get out of the hall. Just rushed through my last few sentences. I think I know why though. It's always the same cause anyways. And as usual after that, thought it was ok. But no, of course it wouldn't be, that'd be too convenient. Went to grab my bag and literally ran out of the area. I hate it when my mind is drawn towards 1 place while my legs start carrying me in the completely opposite direction. It was well.. I don't know how to describe it. But I saw the cold expression, it sent chills down my spine. I didn't want to go anywhere near although my mind ached to.
Sigh, once again complaining about the same thing I never had the guts to face. Go figure.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
My last words
"Enjoy yourself, I gtg liao. Sleep. Lol. Hopefully don't collapse, if then then TH tomorrow. Nights"
Couldn't see crap since both were black fonts. Damn hard to tell the difference. yeah, I just love inflicting pain on myself. Whee. Those were my exact last few sentences I could say before the 8 month long silence, which hasn't ended.
As time passes I'm starting to realise she isn't worth my time, but she still has a tight grip on me.
Couldn't see crap since both were black fonts. Damn hard to tell the difference. yeah, I just love inflicting pain on myself. Whee. Those were my exact last few sentences I could say before the 8 month long silence, which hasn't ended.
As time passes I'm starting to realise she isn't worth my time, but she still has a tight grip on me.
Day 1
First day of SPM. Yeah, it's finally here. Feels kinda surreal. Meh.
BM was.. kinda ok.. History.. also ok. Tomoro = gg.
Strangely enough the numbness wasn't so bad today. It remained at a tolerable level. Stranger still, it felt kinda.. relaxing.. as opposed to the usual hate and despair it causes to look. Sigh.
Spent an hour after getting out of bm exam doing.. nothing. I just sat at the dewan.. staring at the rain. wtf? Ugh, sometimes.. I just.. get annoyed by the rain however relaxing it may be, reminds me of better days. Coincidentally, every significant day I spent.. was raining.
BM was.. kinda ok.. History.. also ok. Tomoro = gg.
Strangely enough the numbness wasn't so bad today. It remained at a tolerable level. Stranger still, it felt kinda.. relaxing.. as opposed to the usual hate and despair it causes to look. Sigh.
Spent an hour after getting out of bm exam doing.. nothing. I just sat at the dewan.. staring at the rain. wtf? Ugh, sometimes.. I just.. get annoyed by the rain however relaxing it may be, reminds me of better days. Coincidentally, every significant day I spent.. was raining.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Judgement Day
In less than 11 hours, SPM will start. This is gonna be a hellish month.
Then again maybe I'm already in hell.
As usual, while inconspicuously looking at my older facebook apps, I stumble across something which would make my day just.. go downhill. Yay for Stickers, awesome app.
You made me this way, and even you can't pull me out now. I don't believe what you said. I felt the icy cold stare pierce right through me. So what if you were telling the truth? I'll never recover, every little thing you do affects me one way or the other and never in a positive way.
Then again maybe I'm already in hell.
As usual, while inconspicuously looking at my older facebook apps, I stumble across something which would make my day just.. go downhill. Yay for Stickers, awesome app.
You made me this way, and even you can't pull me out now. I don't believe what you said. I felt the icy cold stare pierce right through me. So what if you were telling the truth? I'll never recover, every little thing you do affects me one way or the other and never in a positive way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)