Yes Gazi, "Everyone who reads your blog turns depressed" thank you very much. "But I laugh at the shit you write" maybe that's cause you know what I'm writing about. Why lar Gazi?
Trials finally over! Finally have a grand total of.. 3 days to relax wtf, Post trials starts on Friday, omgwtfbbq! Suck lar tiz trying to smother us with exams. Meh. Go read Jia Wei's essay if you haven't! It's f*ckin' awesome! Skyscrapers emerging from Amazon canopy wtf?
Haiz lar tiz once again I've forgotten the main depressing point of my post, thanks to wk distracting me with all the naruto questions wtf? Zzz this is starting to get reaaaaaaaaaaaaally annoying ==!
Sigh, spent 100 bucks on.. smth. The post title is the slogan? title? theme? of prom. Yes, 100 bucks gone just like that. Timun nonstop harassing me cause I didnt buy tix from her. Wth lol blame Jose ;D
Note: Me n wk have agreed she conspires to make people fail. Never EVER take Jose's advice.
LOL I know I'm evil.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Life's A Bitch
Whole fuckin day, every weak point I had left that's exposed is being attacked by everyone. What the fuck, whole fuckin day, parents telling me how I'm not taking anything seriously, how I should look courses up on the internet when I have no fuckin clue what to look for, they keep scolding me.
And yes, they picked the perfect time to start lecturing me on everything I did wrong, perfect, right after the blow I suffered yesterday, they had to add salt to my wound. Both my arms are already friggin red, fucking scratched myself in anger. Why can't I get even a single day of fuckin' peace and quiet?!
And to top it all off this was the only day I took out my books, and set my mind to it, and sat down and read history. AND THIS HAD TO FUCKIN HAPPEN.
Proves my point, there's no point to studying, all I ever get from trying to be a hardworking guy is nothing more than nagging and scolding for being a good kid. FML, I'm better off dead.
And yes, they picked the perfect time to start lecturing me on everything I did wrong, perfect, right after the blow I suffered yesterday, they had to add salt to my wound. Both my arms are already friggin red, fucking scratched myself in anger. Why can't I get even a single day of fuckin' peace and quiet?!
And to top it all off this was the only day I took out my books, and set my mind to it, and sat down and read history. AND THIS HAD TO FUCKIN HAPPEN.
Proves my point, there's no point to studying, all I ever get from trying to be a hardworking guy is nothing more than nagging and scolding for being a good kid. FML, I'm better off dead.
Day 591
The 591th day into the beginning of my end, the pain still drags on.. intensifying with each passing day...
How did it turn into such a mess? Everything was PERFECT. How? Why? Of all the people, why me?
How did it turn into such a mess? Everything was PERFECT. How? Why? Of all the people, why me?
Saturday, September 26, 2009
DOUBLEYOUTEAEFF!!!
OH WHAT FUCK LOL CB CAKE OMG TAFAK BBQ!!
WHY DID THE 1ST THING I HAD TO SEE CLICKING ON HOME PAGE WAS THAT?!
FUCK FUCK FUCK CAN'T BREATHE.
I CAN'T FUCKIN RESIST, THAT'S TOO FUCKIN' MUCH!
owh gawd.. what have I turned into?!
Quote : "Well if she said that about you then I don't think she would care and even if she does, it would only reflect on her cruelty and she should feel guilty"
Quote : "u are the crazy, u care so fucking much over a one sided relationship. its always u doing the work rite?"
WHY DID THE 1ST THING I HAD TO SEE CLICKING ON HOME PAGE WAS THAT?!
FUCK FUCK FUCK CAN'T BREATHE.
I CAN'T FUCKIN RESIST, THAT'S TOO FUCKIN' MUCH!
owh gawd.. what have I turned into?!
Quote : "Well if she said that about you then I don't think she would care and even if she does, it would only reflect on her cruelty and she should feel guilty"
Quote : "u are the crazy, u care so fucking much over a one sided relationship. its always u doing the work rite?"
Friday, September 25, 2009
Here we are at the 24th again
I knew smth was wrong with the day. Explains alot.
*edit* I think it's getting stronger again, it's slowly taking over me.. Sigh.
"Will I ever get to see you smile again?"
p.s. I know this post is a day overdue.
*edit* I think it's getting stronger again, it's slowly taking over me.. Sigh.
"Will I ever get to see you smile again?"
p.s. I know this post is a day overdue.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
It's A Mean Cycle
You know.. I'm getting really tired.. tired of pretending.. tired of hating.. maybe the whole "hate" thing was nothing but a lie to begin with, nothing more then a desperate attempt for closure. Guess I was wrong, nothing ever ends the way I wanted to anyway. All I ever do is screw up. Yippee for me!
Did I mention the flashbacks are back? Yeah, sucks. Guess the whole feeling's back huh. Jeez, I thought I was finally free of this. I can only assume as much cause now.. I can barely remember anything more then 10 minutes ago, which is exactly the same as when the depression first began.
I'm getting tired of speaking in circles, it gets hard after a while. I just feel like walking up to her, and just shouting or do whatever it is I need to do to fix this mess, I'm so tired of this. I don't hate you, I never could, I never would. Nobody could hate perfection. But I know clearly enough there's no way you would ever forgive me. Thus, I'm stuck in this situation. Having spent almost a year like this.. I've kinda gotten used to it, although it still hurts really bad everytime I think of it.
Sigh, I guess we reap what we sow. I've made mistakes, mistakes that can never be fixed.
Did I mention the flashbacks are back? Yeah, sucks. Guess the whole feeling's back huh. Jeez, I thought I was finally free of this. I can only assume as much cause now.. I can barely remember anything more then 10 minutes ago, which is exactly the same as when the depression first began.
I'm getting tired of speaking in circles, it gets hard after a while. I just feel like walking up to her, and just shouting or do whatever it is I need to do to fix this mess, I'm so tired of this. I don't hate you, I never could, I never would. Nobody could hate perfection. But I know clearly enough there's no way you would ever forgive me. Thus, I'm stuck in this situation. Having spent almost a year like this.. I've kinda gotten used to it, although it still hurts really bad everytime I think of it.
Sigh, I guess we reap what we sow. I've made mistakes, mistakes that can never be fixed.
Monday, September 21, 2009
This is bad.. Really bad
Argh, why is that face poppin up in my head again. The smile I could never resist. Dammit. This is nowhere near a good sign, especially not so long since I last bothered, gotta kill off this feeling all over again.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Fucked up and Forgotten
Whee, the world's just a bitch innit? So what if I'm a fucking asshole? I don't give no shit bout it and what I think and how I act is MY FUCKIN' CHOICE!
In other news, fuck this, I'm actually jealous?
In other news, fuck this, I'm actually jealous?
Will We Always Say We Tried?
It's the holidays again.. Or have I already mentioned this? Meh, I ain't exactly concentration well. Have I ever mentioned how I screw up big decisions in my life everytime there's a long break from school, namely a week. Mm.. Maybe I already did.. Not that I care that is.. Just writing this cause I thought I really should update my blog since it's been quite awhile since I last wrote.. And note, I can't even remember when my last blog post was even though I've just seen the date right before clicking on the link to write this current one.
For some reason I've been having flashbacks.. Yeah, time sure flies by in an instant huh? 1 minute you're all nervous about beginning life as a schoolkid and the next.. You're staring at your last year in school and wondering whether you've left a mark on anyone you knew..
I think I was just watching tv.. If I recall correctly when BOOM, I started getting images in my head, memories came flooding back to me, and started playing.. Like some video, weird huh?
I recall being in Form 1, a time I barely knew anyone even from my own class.. I had lost contact with Gazi and practically every other classmate I once had from primary.. and of course.. the day Sam *mutters under breath*and* *.. came into class.. It was the mid of July I think.. It was one of the events that would mark a significant change in my life, for more reasons then one.. Sigh.
Then I remembered Form 2, the year I became class monitor, gawd I hated responsibility. And of course the way Gazi and Wk would harass each other everyday since they 1st day itself when they ended up seated next to each other. Those were the days eh? This was the year that set change in motion, ever since that day I had agreed to follow along to a certain event. Maybe if I had chose to stay home instead, I wouldn't have ended up this way. However at the time I suppose you could call it.. dormant? Or really really diminished, I would never had guessed what I was getting myself into.
The year was 2007.. It was PMR year for me and every other Form 3 that year. Met Ash that year. There's really little things I remember from this year.. The only few things that stand out are like.. Arm Wrestling competition in class and the price was "Teh Tariq with Breast Milk" LOL. Yes, that's what was written in Ash's book. Written by JW of course, he always comes up with this kind of crap. Then hahaha, teacher came in and caught the whole lot. Then there was English Camp. hahaha who could forget that? Probably one of the most fun events I've ever attended.
Form 4... Haha.. A year full of irony.. Sometimes I wonder why I ever picked up guitar.. and why did I accept a certain invite to play, which then required me to practice.. And of course.. out of ALL THE PEOPLE, they had to pick ME for that stupid task of being escort. Just because every single other person was either playing computer or ps2. Wow, just awesome. That was the day, the day I will never forget and will never be able to forget.. not at this rate. White collared t-shirt with a malboro logo on it, jeans. SOMEBODY PUNCH ME PLEASE. Being stuck for an hour in a spot, stationary, really wasn't good for me. Maybe it was the length of time, or maybe I had always taken notice, but whatever the reason was, there was no way I could prepare myself for what's to come.
2009, Form 5.. The present.. Wow things just went by in a flash. I couldn't even remember a single event from February up to July, guess my subconcious mind had practically died. The very last thing I could remember was.. Being taunted as I ran to the water station. If you don't know what this is about, then good. Stay that way. I was tired as hell anyway, no idea how I managed to get that energy boost... Or maybe I did.. Sometimes.. Will power conquers all. Meh.
It was a Friday, the past 5 years, it was always on a Friday, and in the morning. This being my last year, I thought I would have made an effort to at least finish in the top 100. Well, failed. As usual. Yeap, that was the very last memory I could recall before 7 months of complete ignorance and an indifferent attitude towards life. Guess things changed that day when I ran into a person at a bookshop. Cliche much? No idea what I just said.. But.. Yeah, I was slowly recovering.
Now? I'm finding myself falling back into my inddiferent attitude.. Please.. Don't let me go back there.. I've been through that and I never ever want to go through it again.. Yeap, this is when I came back to my senses. Well that's smth you don't experience everyday.
In unrelated news, I just realised how I could relate to these lines:
I'm in the catacombs of a broken heart where you used to be
when I loved you for all the reasons that you hated yourself
cause you were desperate and pathetic but just as beautiful to me
as the day you left and I became just a memory
If they sound familiar, maybe cause they're lyrics.. Sometimes I hate how much I can relate to certain lyrics. brings me back.. way back. Listening to this reminds me of the day I chose to stay till 12 midnight, just because I had wanted to make sure nothing would go wrong for a certain person. Wow that sucked. ==
Well I guess that's just the type of song I relate to. And I'm actually staring at that sentence laughing at the irony. I hate how a certain person's initials are so common, there's just no escape is there?
EDIT . Guess what? Today's date is... wait for it.. :
20092009!!
Kinoc, signing off.
For some reason I've been having flashbacks.. Yeah, time sure flies by in an instant huh? 1 minute you're all nervous about beginning life as a schoolkid and the next.. You're staring at your last year in school and wondering whether you've left a mark on anyone you knew..
I think I was just watching tv.. If I recall correctly when BOOM, I started getting images in my head, memories came flooding back to me, and started playing.. Like some video, weird huh?
I recall being in Form 1, a time I barely knew anyone even from my own class.. I had lost contact with Gazi and practically every other classmate I once had from primary.. and of course.. the day Sam *mutters under breath*and* *.. came into class.. It was the mid of July I think.. It was one of the events that would mark a significant change in my life, for more reasons then one.. Sigh.
Then I remembered Form 2, the year I became class monitor, gawd I hated responsibility. And of course the way Gazi and Wk would harass each other everyday since they 1st day itself when they ended up seated next to each other. Those were the days eh? This was the year that set change in motion, ever since that day I had agreed to follow along to a certain event. Maybe if I had chose to stay home instead, I wouldn't have ended up this way. However at the time I suppose you could call it.. dormant? Or really really diminished, I would never had guessed what I was getting myself into.
The year was 2007.. It was PMR year for me and every other Form 3 that year. Met Ash that year. There's really little things I remember from this year.. The only few things that stand out are like.. Arm Wrestling competition in class and the price was "Teh Tariq with Breast Milk" LOL. Yes, that's what was written in Ash's book. Written by JW of course, he always comes up with this kind of crap. Then hahaha, teacher came in and caught the whole lot. Then there was English Camp. hahaha who could forget that? Probably one of the most fun events I've ever attended.
Form 4... Haha.. A year full of irony.. Sometimes I wonder why I ever picked up guitar.. and why did I accept a certain invite to play, which then required me to practice.. And of course.. out of ALL THE PEOPLE, they had to pick ME for that stupid task of being escort. Just because every single other person was either playing computer or ps2. Wow, just awesome. That was the day, the day I will never forget and will never be able to forget.. not at this rate. White collared t-shirt with a malboro logo on it, jeans. SOMEBODY PUNCH ME PLEASE. Being stuck for an hour in a spot, stationary, really wasn't good for me. Maybe it was the length of time, or maybe I had always taken notice, but whatever the reason was, there was no way I could prepare myself for what's to come.
2009, Form 5.. The present.. Wow things just went by in a flash. I couldn't even remember a single event from February up to July, guess my subconcious mind had practically died. The very last thing I could remember was.. Being taunted as I ran to the water station. If you don't know what this is about, then good. Stay that way. I was tired as hell anyway, no idea how I managed to get that energy boost... Or maybe I did.. Sometimes.. Will power conquers all. Meh.
It was a Friday, the past 5 years, it was always on a Friday, and in the morning. This being my last year, I thought I would have made an effort to at least finish in the top 100. Well, failed. As usual. Yeap, that was the very last memory I could recall before 7 months of complete ignorance and an indifferent attitude towards life. Guess things changed that day when I ran into a person at a bookshop. Cliche much? No idea what I just said.. But.. Yeah, I was slowly recovering.
Now? I'm finding myself falling back into my inddiferent attitude.. Please.. Don't let me go back there.. I've been through that and I never ever want to go through it again.. Yeap, this is when I came back to my senses. Well that's smth you don't experience everyday.
In unrelated news, I just realised how I could relate to these lines:
I'm in the catacombs of a broken heart where you used to be
when I loved you for all the reasons that you hated yourself
cause you were desperate and pathetic but just as beautiful to me
as the day you left and I became just a memory
If they sound familiar, maybe cause they're lyrics.. Sometimes I hate how much I can relate to certain lyrics. brings me back.. way back. Listening to this reminds me of the day I chose to stay till 12 midnight, just because I had wanted to make sure nothing would go wrong for a certain person. Wow that sucked. ==
Well I guess that's just the type of song I relate to. And I'm actually staring at that sentence laughing at the irony. I hate how a certain person's initials are so common, there's just no escape is there?
EDIT . Guess what? Today's date is... wait for it.. :
20092009!!
Kinoc, signing off.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
This Circle Never Ends
The holidays are here again.. GAZI'S HSE ON MONDAY! LOL! Maybe it's just me.. or purely by coincidence, smth seems to go wrong right before the holidays begin. It happened before earlier this year and it's happening again. Whee! Gawd I just enjoy how screwed up I am =D
Speaking of which, Bio 3's been postponed.. All the way till school reopens, zOMGwTfBbQlOlZoZr!
Plenty of time to study for it.. Like I actually will, guess it's back to my whole DotA/gaming routine all day, all night, everyday. Wouldn't have it any other way =D
And now for random thoughts, and also the classic whole speaking in circles shit and whatnot. Whoever's reading this might not understand it, not that I care anyway.
In a matter of speaking, the bandage that's held my healing wounds together and kept it from reopening is starting to tear off. Old scars are resurfacing, and I'm pretty sure I'm going back to my old ways. Sigh, could this be the beginning of yet another long 6-8 months of searching?
And staring at my post title, I'm starting to remember smth I posted way back at the start of '09. Happy -> Try -> Fail -> Emo -> Repeat. Yeap, that stupid cycle I had once described my pathetic excuse for effort.
Speaking of which, Bio 3's been postponed.. All the way till school reopens, zOMGwTfBbQlOlZoZr!
Plenty of time to study for it.. Like I actually will, guess it's back to my whole DotA/gaming routine all day, all night, everyday. Wouldn't have it any other way =D
And now for random thoughts, and also the classic whole speaking in circles shit and whatnot. Whoever's reading this might not understand it, not that I care anyway.
In a matter of speaking, the bandage that's held my healing wounds together and kept it from reopening is starting to tear off. Old scars are resurfacing, and I'm pretty sure I'm going back to my old ways. Sigh, could this be the beginning of yet another long 6-8 months of searching?
And staring at my post title, I'm starting to remember smth I posted way back at the start of '09. Happy -> Try -> Fail -> Emo -> Repeat. Yeap, that stupid cycle I had once described my pathetic excuse for effort.
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