Doodle #25 : Innocence

The promises we adored.

It's that time again, the time I dwell deep into my thoughts, in a way, and try to string words together in an attempt to phrase all too familiar cliches that I've overused in most of my blog posts.

I wouldn't say I'm drowning in sadness, nor that I can't swim.

Somehow, just thinking bout that kind of stirs this seething cauldron of mixed feelings within me.

Now that just sounded so odd. Maybe flowery lines just ain't my thing. I'm better off sticking with my cliches, overused idioms and redundant metaphores.

So, it's our nation's Independence Day. I can't say I'm truly in the patriotic spirit, at least not with the thoughts of exams looming dangerously over the horizon. I can pretty much say that this is the single most uneventful one I've lived through, from my perspective. Being crammed at home since the break of dawn, attempting to revise for my Physics test tomorrow. The only actual productive thing I've done today was redesigning my blog.

Moments ago, I came across a fellow blogger's post on his celebration of Independence Day. What really shocks me is that he was actually attacked without provocation by a group of youngsters. I'd rather not get into the details, but the motive was quite clear. It appalls me to think that such a thing can actually happen. Words alone can't describe this disgust.

It's time to shift gears, and go back into ranting bout my life mode. Cause I'm in that state where I can write a lot, and somehow twist what I write against me. Why, you ask? Cause I was never once in the right. Every time, and in every decision I've made this year, I was on the losing side. The saddest part is that I had never realized it sooner.

Rewind things back almost a year ago. I was buzzing with anticipation, I had left the world of school, preparing to step into a whole new world. College. Of course, I was glad to have been able to find a few familiar faces. Faces I had trusted.. with me. Happy, anxious, but looking forward to the joys that awaited me. What had matter then was that I still had one of the closest people I know with me, as we could tread together, into foreign territory. 4 days before the start, I was pleasantly surprised to know that another person, not too familiar but was still a face I knew and recognized would also be with us. I couldn't say the year could have kicked off on a happier note.

That's right. I was happy.

Truly a fickle emotion. One which comes and goes without a second thought. It lingers at second, then disappears the next. Without hesitation, it appears to have a mind of its own at times.

I had managed to land myself amidst what I regard as the possibly the coolest people I know. Weird and quirky in their own individual ways, but inseparable when we're all together. I've found my niche, my place in life. All was well.

As with most of my other illusions of happiness, nothing lasts. Nothing in this world is perfect, no matter how they seemed on the surface. I poured my soul into work, trying to distract myself. Gaming had always helped, but alas it was the year that I've chosen to quit gaming. I spent days, contemplating, perhaps I was just overthinking. Course, it had always been my greatest weakness.

I guess.. That's just how life is. Every time you pick yourself up from a fall, life throws something harder at you, sometimes in the most unexpected ways.

The words "Life is full of surprises" sums it all up. Everything has been turned into a grey area in my mind. No longer can I remember the good times I had spent. The sole memory left within me is that mad dash to safety. Corroding away, hacking at my soul.

I've been told time and time again, I never listened. Those words, spewed at me over and over. It disgusts me when it's said at times. Why of all people, should I even consider listening?

I'll read everything said, no worries. Course, then I'd find the negativity in everything.

I'll make my own choices, I'll choose when. I already have. I just keep getting dragged back into the same cycle.

That's who I am. I'd rather be hated than being forced to change myself. Period.

Now, it's about time I get back to Physics revision. (:

A New Look

I've finally done it.

I redesigned my blog. In other words, I very crudely clicked a few buttons here and there and played around with the default settings on the "Design" button in a what can't even be considered average attempt to refresh my page and give it a whole new look.

I was never good at art, or designing, or even just bringing myself to bother trying as it requires tonnes of time, devotion and passion. All 3 of which I lack, sadly enough.

I can't say I did a fantastic job on the little details, heck this was all done within the span of 15 minutes. It just goes to show, you get what you put in. Okay, I know that didn't sound quite right but the bottom line is..

Equivalent exchange. You win some, you lose some. The rewards you reap at the end of your efforts will be proportional to the amount of effort you sincerely put in.

One thing's certain. I hope this doesn't affect my nuffnang ads. LOL :)

Doodle #24 : An Omen

This pretty much settles it for the worst month of my life.

Time to get focused on nothing but assignments.

Seperating two peas in a pod is a futile task anyway (:

A disappearance, and appearance. Contradictions and contrasts.

Odd, truly, odd.

Doodle #23 : Say It To Me

And I'll leave this life behind me..

I guess I just found out yet another negative trait I have, but I ain't going to go into the little details. Let's just say I have a problem with.. Sitting still. Guess I just wasn't cut out for that.

The hyperness is a front, in a feeble bid to conceal what I truly feel. Then again, maybe it's how I perceive myself to feel. Emotions, what are they? Some view them as part of being human, or are they just a manifestation of your senses which is designed to remind you that you are alive, and breathing?

The prospect of anyone comprehending the complexities and the degree to which my mind is muddled, truly is a perplexing task.

Guess for now, the sun shines brighter. Or rather, the moon, as it's currently 9pm (:

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to you,

Tan Shi Lin

:P

Doodle #22 : Engulfed

You know.. I really wasn't surprised. Not one bit. After all, it's a situation you could only describe as.. flypaper.

Odd how this still fluctuates. Every jolt causes a lapse in self control.

I don't need this. What I've went through, wasn't worth it one bit. Not when better opportunities exist elsewhere. I was tossed around, knocked down then kicked around. It's time to twist everything again, the way I prefer to see things (: My way. It makes it so much easier to comprehend the little details.

Now now, why'd I let myself bother? Interesting question.. Perhaps I just have a lack of preoccupation, too much time with too little people to talk to. There's only so many options. I have a tendency to play around with fire, and scorching myself in the process. Oh life truly is a wondrous thing. (:

I despise holidays, to the very core.

Nothing good ever happens during holidays.

The first killer blow, the delays, being turned into a decoy, being manipulated, every single setback in my life, happened during holidays. It's evident that we don't get along.

Alas, I regret passing that.

Gradually..

First of all, I'd like to say..

Thank you. For hearing me out. I guess I really needed that talk, to just say what's been on my mind. Although I do agree at times that I'm horribly biased and self-centred. I guess it's all to do with how I had started out. I was vulnerable then, a newcomer, in this world of deceit and backstabbing. What I went through those dark times laid the foundation for who I am today, doubtful and paranoid. I can't blame anyone for what happened then, I had misread everything to begin with. With no prior knowledge nor experience, I was sitting ducks, literally in the middle of a firing range, just waiting to be shot down. As luck would have had it, I was shot down, in two successive shots.

I'm having flashes of memories again, indistinct faces of those I've crossed paths with. I wouldn't change a thing about them, their subtle abnormalities are what makes them the people I love and adore (:

All 11 of them, thanks for being there. (L)

So I've finally regained partial stability. Time to blog. :)

The morning sky is just so pretty. :)

Drove to college again, leaving kk by 6.50am everyday is a seriously stressful business. Thankfully somehow I've had the motivation to get up early lately. When I finally reach summit after picking up Ash and Fail, it's only 7.05 or so. *Stares into intersection* OMG IT'S SO CLEARRR! Compared to normal traffic that is. It's still congested but at least it's MOVING and not at a STANDSTILL. That's motivation enough for me. Reaching college at 7.30 lately, a good thing is that it really gives me time to study and revise before classes begins. Have bout an hour till 8.30 before I've to head off to either class or the library. My works' been strangely complete lately! :)

Also had my Physics Practical Examination #2 today at 9.30 with the rest of the C/D gang. It wasn't as hard as I had initially expected. I mean, for once I actually got Physics. It wasn't confusing as it always had been to me. Manage to set up everything, experiment went nicely and even our results were PERFECT! Wow. I just hope marks weren't deducted for playing around with the conducting wires. LOL! Sparks :)

Brunch at The Lunch Box with the gang. Managed to drag Suqi along. 5 of us swarmed her refusing to let her go anywhere but with us :)

Chemistry class next :) OMG They removed ELECTROLYSIS from our syallabus WTF?! My Chemistry is now lacking spdf configurations, cyclic compounds, the more complex molecule shapes, a deeper insight into equilibrium AND electrolysis! This is the part I get all overconfident for Chem before screwing up my whole paper. Bahhh!

Maths. Cancelled but still had assignment to finish up D:

Stoned in the foyer again waiting for my friend to get off class. Left college at 6 and reached kk at 6.30. Not bad (:

Doodle #22 : The Puppet

Cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but it's happening..

A flame that cannot be doused, one that is futile to extinguish. The fire streaks across your soul, burning it from the inside out, spreading like wildfire. A flame which wants nothing more than to reduce the world into ashes.

The tiniest of sparks is all it takes to set the world ablaze. A world where nothing is sane and everything is but a mere conspiracy. A fabricated illusion which paralyzes all his senses, stringing him along.

He is but a toy, a marionette, only to do the puppeteer's bidding, having virtually no sentiment of his own.

His limbs move against his will, he speaks without thought and takes action without any conviction.

It's a little thing we all know and love and hold dearly, and it's called,

Hate.

Nobody in their right mind would tolerate being treated as a mere plaything, or buoy.

Vote Elaine S. 028

Listen up guys. There's a Mirrors Ambassadors contest going on now and my friend's part of it. So I'll appreciate it if you help her out.



Elaine S.

Copy paste this link to go to the contest webpage.

http://mirrors.my/home/events/mirrors-ambassador-contest/mirrors-ambassadors-round-one/?nggpage=2

Once there, find contestant number 028 and vote :)

Questions Unanswered

Why does my blood still boil?

Why can't I kill off this feeble side of me?

Why do I remain a useless burden to everyone I know?

Why hadn't I asked that day?

Why can't I focus on anything in my life?

Why does everything that seem right always end up wrong?

Why am I so naive and easily deceived?

Why do I let myself get toyed around time and time again?

Why did I let myself spiral years back to the depressing state that I'm in now?

So many questions, never any answer. I'm just so useless.