Closure

I guess today proved it, normally I wouldn't be able to look away. I could still feel the accelerated heartbeat and I got really cold inside and yet, I kept laughing. No idea why. Maybe it was the fact I was in an air-conditioned room. Ah well, least now I know where I'm headed, nowhere near her. :D

Somethings can never compare to what I had experienced during happier times but I guess you can't have everything.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Seems everything's starting to clear up, hopefully for the better. Guess I'll have to thank a person for being there where I couldn't. Can't complain now can I? It's better then having nothing to stop the freefall. Sigh.. It's starting to hurt again, and I'm starting to want to try all over again. But I know better than to do that, once was way more then enough. Maybe it was twice. I never ever want to end up the way I was the past 7 months, and I don't give a dam about anything other than avoiding anything that might break me again. Call me selfish, call me cold, I don't care. But I can't deny somewhere deep down, I'm still affected by.....

Beginning of the end

And so the darkness envelops the light.

Reaping What We Sow

Will it all be truly worth it in the end? When all you're doing is nothing more than a desperate attempt for a cause nobody really understands. When the consequences of your actions will bring nothing other than pain and sorrow to everyone you know.

The past is starting to pull me back in. Just goes to show there's no way to completely erase one's memories. My words contradict my action and thoughts, but yeah. I'm starting to care again, as much as I never ever want to again.

Edit. I can never hate her, she meant way too much for smth as petty as hatred. She just never saw that. Sigh. Being subtle never ever worked, she never had the wit to pick up any meaning in my words. Why am I writing this? Cause I know even if she does read it, she'll never even know it's about her. Every thought, every longing, every moment of agony revolved around her.

There'll be ups and downs in life, that's inevitable. What matters if you're able to piece together a broken soul and keep on going. I've learnt to do that and almost did. Yeah, till it all came apart again. Being sick doesn't help either, I can't think straight and I'm starting to lose faith in life. To quote lyrics from a song "This is just a story of a broken soul". Just know, if you fall, I'm going down with you.

Yes, I'm one fucked up kid, I've already been told a gazillion times. I made my choices and I've ended up this way, just goes to show I always make the wrong choices and soon I'll be making another wrong one.

LOUD! 2009

Hopefully I'll be able to recall all the details. =D

Been waiting for LOUD! for quite awhile now, since Beng Way had invited me a few weeks back. Thought I'd go this year since I missed out on last year's LOUD. About 40 of us went this year, not sure about the actual amount but it was a bus-ful. Ahah. As usual, being Beng Way, he was late getting to school although he told us all to meet at 4pm sharp and stuff like that. Waited 20 minutes for him.

It was held at Dream Centre somewhere in Petaling Jaya, really close to my old primary school, I miss that place. Ahahaha. The place was big, Lol. Then again it had to be, there had to be at least 1000+ people there at the time. Moment we walked in, we saw multiple foosball tables. So yeah, Sam and the rest started playing, ahaha. Think I accidentally deleted the photos though =S

Went round to the back, there were stands selling food and drinks. Coke was $1! :D! CheapMax! There was also a section in the corner where you could get your hair sprayed with a colour of your choice. Wei Khang tried to spray his hair blue, but it was like a patch right in the centre of his head and was barely visible. Sam sprayed his hair red. I tried gettin red too, yeah tried. The person just randomly sprayed a patch right in the centre of my head. To quote HY, "Dude, your head looks like it's bleeding". Meh.

Anyways... Whee, bands performing. Not sure about any of their names but here are a few snapshots.

I think this was the band that played Dance, Dance.

These guys were pretty good too.

My favourite one among them, just cause they played a Paramore song. <3>Walked summore, then went into a room where there were people lining up to play Guitar Hero : Rock The 80's on 1 side and Wii Sports on the other side. The guitar hero line was longer, I think. Didn't recognise ay of the songs, if they had Guitar Hero 2 and a regular controller instead of the guitar controller, I'd gladly have gotten in line, LOL

The actual event started at about... 6 if I'm not mistaken. The whole crowd was ushered into the auditorium.
The view from my seat, wayyyyyyy over on the right side. Got seperated from everyone else, apparently they were all on the left. LOL

The 1st performance of the evening, Junkyard Invaders. They were awesome.

The 2 MCs for the day.

Then there was this contest on who could dance the best to a Michael Jackson song. There were 5 of them who tried. The 2 best were the 2nd and 5th guys. The 2nd one was.. Stunning, he could moonwalk, perfectly. D:! The 5th guy was quite good too. He was younger then the rest of them, quite a small kid, but he could dance really well. In the end, the 2nd guy got the louder cheer and won.

Then there was a cheerleader squad which was quite good as well. Then there was the Real Ink Crew (I think), they had their own routines and stuff, real awesome to watch. Couldn't get pictures though, not enough light, LOL.

The final performance of the day, Project Gsus. They were my favourite. The keyboardist, drummer, guitarist, bassist, singers, heck all of them were awesome. They performed Born For This by.. PARAMORE <3,>Finally, there was a speech by one of the Youth leaders. His name was... Darn it I forgot =X

It was really heartmoving though. :D
Then it was time to head home, was real tired, but one of the most fun days I've been through this year, and I don't really have alot of fun days to enjoy. =D

The irony, 26th of July

Just got home from LOUD! 09. Gawd it was awesome, had a blast!! :)
I'm getting really sleepy now, maybe I'll write about it tomorrow. Just a quick update about this date. Yeah, it's stated above, the 26th of July. Hold up. Wait for it...

26 July 2008 : Daughtry Street Jam

26 July 2009 : LOUD! 09

Hahahaha. I wonder what's gonna happen 26th July 2010 :D

Failblog

I got bored, so here are some of the good ones:


see more Fail Blog


see more Fail Blog


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see more Fail Blog


see more Fail Blog


see more Fail Blog


see more Fail Blog


see more Fail Blog

As seen on Failblog.

Contradictions

Why must life be so confusing? I'm starting to lose sight of reality, slowly sinking into an alternate world where life would have been much better. Everything went downhill since then anyway, it's getting really hard to see any good in life. When you can't handle the truth, you sink into denial. And once you've been in denial for too long, it's really hard to get back on track with your life.
Sigh, why me.

I speak in circles, I know. I never ever seem to get to the point of anything, or rather, I leave out just enough details so no one ever really knows what I'm talking about. Guess it's become a habit, ever since I had to describe certain things about a person from a 3rd person's point of view. The irony~~

Back to more pressing issues, had nth much to do during school time. So....
Beng Way started some staring competition blablablabla. Yeah, basically all you had to do was make the other person laugh. Sounded simple enough. He was good.. Like real good. I tried resisting laughter.. Went well for awhile.. until... Jon did the stupid failblog Activities sign. Ahuh, laughed >_> + filled head with depressing thoughts.
Still, Beng Way couldn't beat Shaun xD

WHEEEEEEEEEEE~~~~~~ Back to emo songs =D

Mistakes

I'm starting to fall back into the same spiral. With every moment, I can feel I'm being pulled deeper into the hole I tried and almost climbed out of.
Just goes to show how much I miss old times.

Edit: 1 brings a smile to my face, somewhat.. The other brings out the depressing part of me. The choice is clear and yet I'm making the wrong one.

Darn it

Somehow, I feel that I've fallen back into the same cycle. Or maybe it's just the aftershocks. Really hope it wears off soon. Ain't exactly the best feeling in the world.

HP mania.

Went to Sunway today :D with wy, jw, ash. and of course.. the epic.. WK! who delayed us for about 20 minutes making us miss the bus thus having to take a later one. rawr. So in the end, we left smc at about 9.20 and it took us about 1 hour+ to reach Sunway. Of course, we had to start talking about DotA and MISS OUR STOP dammit. So, we got off at the bridge, near the Taylor's campus for.. I can't remember what, but the one near Sunway. AND WE WALKED.. FOR.. 20 DAM MINUTES. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Yes, we all blamed wk =D

Bought the tickets, played pool (wk showed up half way after his delayed arrival), lunch, etc. Kenny Roger's. Darn I wanted Carl's Jr. LOL. After that.. Went over to Harvey Norman where there was some event going on about... who knows what. But, Alicia, Shaun, Andrea, Kareshma, Joel, YK, Pn.Ong (D:!) and Lillian were there :D. Jon came as well. Watched them answer questions about solving phrases or smth like that. The title of the event was right, Mighty Minds. D:!
Went over to Wendy's after that. Just sat around watching Alicia, Lillian and Andrea eat. Jon bought a drink and yk bought ice cream. I just freeloaded off their fries =D and listened to Jon talk about how to get free meals.

"Just bring two girls along and head to a fast food restaurant. Then eat their fries. Or you can go to Carl's Jr and get free fries and half a burger." LOL.

Went for my movie after that. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. :D!!!!
It was quite enjoyable, there were many funny scenes. lawls.
although some of the stuff I read in the book weren't there. no epic fight scene =(
Since there were 5 of us and the only seats left were at the sides. We sat in 3 rows. 2 people in 1st 2 rows and the last guy sat alone. Guess who that was? :D

Went home after debating taxi fares.
Writing this post.
Tired as hell.
Overall, enjoyable day.

Ah crud

I take it all back..
I can feel my resistance crumbling all over again
WHY AM I SO WEAK

Edit: and here comes the tears. fuck shit i'm such a fucktard.

Conflict

Quote :


"If you had the choice, who would you choose? The person that you love most? Or the person that loves you most?"

Edit:
People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. Does it?

It's over,
You say we're just friends
We're playin pretend to keep me here
It's over
There's nothing you can do
There's nothing you can say
To keep me here
It's over
You say we're just friends
It's almost the end
I'm outta here
~Over by Sugarcult~

Reborn

I guess it's a sign, if it is, it's a pretty stupid one to begin with. What I'm about to write is going to sound really stupid. I died, killed, murdered in cold blood (did I use the sentence right?). Not literally, I kinda dreamt it, told ya it was stupid. Yes, stabbed in the back and left to die bleeding profusely. But not just by anyone. Stabbed by one of the people I trust most (at this moment, used to) in my life.

Maybe I've finally stepped into the light, she had probably killed whatever part of me which still held on. It took a hell of a long time, but nothing can change the past now can it? Time to pick myself up, and keep walking forward.

Emotional turmoil

It feels kinda weird, when you want to be happy, and yet saddened at the same time. I thought I'd found a way to easy the depression, or so I hoped. And yet, I still can't face the very heart of my problem, literally. Not when there's people.. Constantly making a mess of things. If this ends up just like before.. Haiz. Seriously, I've been hit hard enough, I don't need the killer blow.

Of course, things were going smoothly. Acting like a complete stranger, not acknowledging the presence of a certain someone. That is, until a friend of mine. Just so smoothly broke my peaceful state of mind.
"Kino, I saw someone walk past earlier"
You know who you are. No offence intended, but still. Thanks for bringing me back into the state I was crawling out of.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Kinda stuck with that weird sensation that things are going to go badly. Maybe it's just me, but still something doesn't add up.

SERIOUSLY GUYS, CUT ME SOME SLACK.
I don't want this to end up just like what I went through last year. I've had enough of this kind of crap. None of you would know how it felt anyway.
I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN

There's a naggy feeling that I've been neglecting someone, it isn't a pleasant feeling.

A new beginning

Somehow I have this feeling that I'm going to fail again. Ahuh, sucks.
BE POSITIVE!

And I can't help but feel this is some desperate attempt to find someone who can distract me from what I want to be distracted from.

One line sums it all up.
I hate what I've become due to her.

Tsk tsk tsk

Failed to resist again =D

Transformers!

YES FINALLY WATCHED IT! AND YES THE MOVIE WAS AWESHUMZ! :D:D:D:D

LoLx.

WHEE MANAGED TO RESIST. But for how long??

Movie Mania

Gonna watch Transformer today! FINALLY LAR!! Hahahahaha. Yeah I think I'll post about that later.

And now for a daily dose of emo-ness. I guess I'll never ever be able to resist her, despite my best efforts. Heck, those efforts can barely be considered efforts. The moment she approaches me, she breaks down every defense I put off. Literally turning my will to jelly. Hence, the cycle in the previous post.

Yes, I am completely aware that I am an idiot and I suck bad. So there's no need to tell me what I already know. That means you, Lil. LOL

Haiz

Yes, I have almost no self-control. Or rather the half of me, which I have mentioned before, is winning again.

By now I know how the cycle is..
The initial euphoria followed by happiness.
Start to smile and get all happy.
Notice something, normally a sentence which brings me back to reality.
Feel as though I've been punched, can't breathe.
Depressed.

Repeat.

Concentration over Thinking

Well the title makes no sense, I know. Couldn't think of any other one though, ahahahah.
Just got back from golfing, ahhhhhhh. Yeah I actually went golfing after... 6 months? Or maybe a year. While I was there, I starting thinking. Hmm. And thus I was "inspired" to write this post.

Levels of concentration required
DotA - 100% pure dota. Thus no way I can think about anything else.
Golf - 60% on golf, 10% cursing at how much I suck at it, 30%.. crap.
Facebook - 70% facebook, 30% crap.
Studying - 80% reading, 20% crap.
Guitar - 50% playing, 40% listening to tune and lyrics, 10% crap.

This is why I'm so addicted to DotA. It's the only thing I ever do which can stop me thinking completely about crap. And by crap.. I suppose alot of people know what I mean. :(

Plans

Well I suppose I have my next few weeks planned out. Tomorrow, golf T_T After that, watching Transformers on Sunday, FINALLY! And the next Sunday, watching Harry Potter with WY and the rest of the gang. And the Sunday after that, LOUD '09! I missed out last year T_T

Still, nothing could compare to the emotional high I used to experience whenever.. Blah.
Hopefully by the end of the year, and the end of school-life. I'll put it all behind me.

Like how Edwin said, Step 1 - Cut off all communication (check)
Step 2 - Throw away any possessions that link back to.. (not check)
Step 3 - Wait.. There wasn't a step 3.

The pain's still too numbing, I can't find any way to dull it. It only gets worse the harder I try.
What's the cure for depression?
Lol =(

Fatigue

Tired. Just got back from gym. At this time, only 5 hours 30 mins to go till FREE ICE CREAM. lmao. Not gonna explain it :D

Edit* There's not gonna be any warning. It'll probably be just like my previous and only other experience. One minute you're just minding your own business, maybe even sneaking a few glances at someone in paticular and the next, BANG! You can't stop thinking about that person. Guess that's just how it works.

Some people recover from blows they suffered almost instantly.. Others.. Never recover.

Flashback

I'm starting to wonder.. How did I used to be? The question popped into my head after WK said "You weren't like this in Form3. You weren't emo". Mmhmm.. Just goes to show how much people can change in a year. Or two in this case.

Starting to get images flashing in my head again. It's getting more often as well. Moment I close my eyes, I see.. Well.. That. Blah.

Just spent about 5 minutes re-reading old posts, from January and others from '08. Never noticed how fast time flies. It's been waaaaaaaaaay too long :(

Contemplating

Sometimes my posts just disappear D:! For awhile that is. Scared me a moment, refreshed page, relogged, it's back! :D

Felt it again, as though someone just knocked the wind out of me. It's kinda like being punched in the chest. And all it look was a glance at a name. Wow.

Mai Sam

It means "buy shirt" in canto. Why I put that as the title? Well, had an interesting convo regarding buying the correct shirt today. LoL. Tried speaking cantonese to Edwin. My canto is horrible D:

Reflecting

Well it didn't get me any more depressed, neither did it cheer me up.
I seriously have to find a way to stop though.
At this rate... It definitely isn't going to do me any good. The only problem is half of me doesn't want to stop trying, and that half is winning.

Dammit

WHY DO I ALWAYS GIVE IN? WHY CAN'T I RESIST?

I can feel it already, getting all cold inside. And the standard accelerated heartbeat. I said I wouldn't and yet here I am.

100th post

Wow, it's already my 100th blog post. Not counting xanga, just pure blogspot. Didn't think it's been THAT long. Time flies huh? Still remember the times I just started this blog cause of the lag xanga kept giving me. December '08, better days. Quote "Hello?! Do you know how much can change in a year?!". I second that.

I can imagine it already. Her dazzling beauty, I'd start stuttering, unable to string letters into anything comprehensible. It'll be just like before, except that this time, there is absolutely nothing good about this. It'll tear me apart, all over again.

Aftershocks

Firstly, hatred I once harbored for certain people is gone. It feels kinda good, like a weight's been lifted. Guess the only reason I held on to that hatred was the same one that held me together.

Secondly, I was wrong. I thought I'd easily grow numb to the pain. One minute, it's dulled and somewhat bearable. And the next, the pain intensifies comes back burning my soul inside. But I suppose it only comes back whenever I'm in close proximity. :(

I told myself I wouldn't care, but I still can't help worrying for the sake of another.

I'm starting to doubt myself. The question now is.. Will that once in a lifetime experience be worth the unbearable pain that follows?

Reminiscence playlist

Well, out of boredom, and other reasons. I've made a list of songs, well you get the point. Whoever sees the list would probably know what it's about. It's in chronological order, or at least I tried putting it that way.

Reminiscence
David Archuleta - Crush
AAR - Dirty Little Secret
Escape The Fate - You Are So Beautiful
Jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul
Jonas Brothers - Please Be Mine (yes i know it's fagbros. but who gives a damn)
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel
Muse - Unintended
+44 - Make You Smile
AAR - Stab My Back
Daughtry - Breakdown
Faber Drive - Second Chance
Paramore - Here We Go Again
Secondhand Serenade - Fall For You
Daughtry - What About Now
Jesse McCartney - Just So You Know
Ryan Cabrera - Shine On
Muse - Endlessly
Sugarcult - Memory
Oasis - Wonderwall
Yellowcard - Light Up The Sky
David Cook - Time Of My Life
Papa Roach - Do or Die
Sugarcult - Pretty Girl (The Way)
Ryan Cabrera - On The Way Down
The Bravery - This Is Not The End
Paramore - Stuck On You
Papa Roach - Last Resort
David Archuleta - A Little Too Not Over You
AAR - Another Heart Calls
FM Static - Tonight
Paramore - We Are Broken
Yellowcard - One Year Six Months
Papa Roach - She Loves Me Not
Hoobastank - If Only
3 Days Grace - I Hate Everything About You
OneRepublic - Apologize
Madina Lake - One Last Kiss
Social Code - Forever Always End
Ryan Cabrera - She's
Daughtry - Over You
FFAF - Walk Away
Kate Voegele - You Can't Break A Broken Heart
FFAF - The End Of Nothing.

Tadaa. It's a friggin long list, I know. Hell to type. Ahaha. I don't give a damn no more. Suppose that's a good thing :D