Not in me, it's in you.

I knew this was coming, sooner or later. Guess it's the fall now, any trace of euphoria I had over the weekend had vanished completely. And turned right into the opposite, depression, blablabla. Every single time the fall is about two times greater then the climb. Maybe this will be the last, I seriously hope so. I don't know how much longer I can hold it all together.

I never did anything wrong, I just never got anything right. The only thing I ever did was screw up my life. Somehow I always manage to bring out the worst possible outcome of any event. I'm sorry for all my actions although it doesn't really mean anything now. I'm sorry for the time I acted so distant towards you, and also for the times I got too close. I know I can be a fuckin' retard at times. If you're reading this you know who you are. Guess I just needed a really hard slap in the face. Not literally though, but it hurts just as much. I hate it when it feels as though my chest is being weighed down by invisible burdens and sorrow. You probably didn't know it then, and you probably still don't. I know that you never meant any harm, but I just got too caught up in my thoughts I brought out the worst possible meaning of every sentence you had ever said to me. And I apologize for ever bringing you down or being a burden to you, just being who I am.

Well, I should probably write everything else down somewhere else and just bury the file, as I've already done earlier with another post. Gawd, that one was looooooong. Lillian's right, write it all then bury it somewhere never to be seen again. And with that, I'm finally going to stop trying. I probably already did, but I'll do my best now. It's going to take awhile.. But.. Who knows.. I'm waiting for my next two weeks of peace, just like the two thought-free weeks I had last year. However, it still remains, to date, the very best years of my life. Guess I'll never be able to keep my end of things, although I'm sure you've already forgotten everything.

Sometimes, I hate myself for ever picking up guitar, which indirectly landed me in this.
And, I fuckin' lost at least 50% of my thoughts I had wanted to include in this.
EVERY FUCKIN TIME, I WANT TO WRITE, SOMEONE CALLS ME TO DO WORK AND I FUCKING FORGET WHAT I WANTED TO WRITE IN THE 1ST FUCKIN PLACE.

I guess it's time to cut out that piece of me which gave me meaning. You broke beyond repair, shattered. Now I'm lying down, beat, waiting for someone to come and pick up the pieces of my life and put them back in one piece.

What I'm going to do may be harsh, but that's only toward myself, I won't be a bother to your oh so perfect life no more. Rejoice for that. Edwin's right, how the hell did I get myself so deeply caught up in such a mess. I'm a pathetic screw up.