Every story has two sides

And this is mine. Urgh, I'm sure I've mentioned how much I hate it the more I reminisce about better days. Yeah it just reminds me about how sucky things are now. Ever since February, my English essay standards have dropped by a hell lot. Why am I saying this? Well it's because of the way most of my essays lean toward "emoish" essays and although I have alot of write about, it never comes out right and neither do I seem to be able to find the words to continue. And I just reread my January essay, it r not emo at all! Holy motha! And it was friggin nice to read, for some reason. Ugh.. And here I thought I wrote better now. No idea what the hell am I saying.

Whee it's 11pm. And I'm here at home. I missed both AAR and Simpsons Halloween marathon, thanks to everyone who couldn't come and also HoN respectively. Sigh, so much for 1 last attempt at enjoying smth before SPM. Daughtry, Archuleta.. Sigh, I remember both concerts.. Both lacked.. well I don't have to say it cause there is absolutely no possibility I will ever ask for ...... again. Meh.

Rain.. No idea why I'm mentioning this.. maybe it was the essay I wrote on rain.. Hence the above paragraph about essays which mine sucked really bad. WTH AM I SAYING?!
And yes, it remains THE very best time I had ever had in my life.. Thanks a bunch Gazi, you had to ruin it. 11008 find out the meaning of the numbers yourselves. Meh

Zzz another day passed, another day down the drain. For some reason I feel that at some point in my life, I am going to hate wk right down to the very core. I have no idea why.. Or perhaps I do and it's nagging in the back of my mind. Well, I wouldn't miss him anyway, he is THE most epic fail person I've met anyway. I just need that visual trigger.

"She fuckin' hates me" Yeah, love that line.

Last but not least..

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Dearest love, I hope this message find you well

Ugh, I hate stuttering and forgetting everything I wanted to ask. Yikes! Guess that'll always happen. Ahh Going school tomoro~! Oh noez!

A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself trying to fix it. True, no?

It's the pain all over again

I was wondering what the hell pushed me as far as hatred last time. Well, I guess I figured that out today. Maybe it's me acting up again, or maybe I will never change that fact I'll have to live with the rest of my school life. Yes, school life, cause probably by the time school ends I never ever have to put up with it again. Ugh, gawd I feel so stupid for trying to change. One glance, that was all it took to completely screw up my mood for the entire day. It didn't help one bit that with all the walking I did in school today, that person kept popping up every now and then. As much as I try to divert myself, I can't help but look out the corner of my eye.

And so the running begins again. Ugh, Gazi's right. Walking into the class normally would have been much subtler. The moment I saw.. I don't have to say it.. Walkin my way. Just jumped right into class like whatever was coming was smth life-threatening. Ugh, and I stupidly rushed past with my head turned aside so I couldn't see anything. So what if I act like an idiot? Maybe deep down I want to act stupid just to somehow.. I don't know. I don't feel much now. It's just.. a numbness. Gone is all the tingling and adrenaline rushes, the feeling that absolutely nth can go wrong when I'm around that person. It's more of.. Well I can't really describe it.. A weight.. A really persistant and annoying one that won't stop bugging me. Let's not forget the pain it causes. Sigh. I can't tell if I hate her or myself more now.

Random thought : "I thought she'd help fill up the hole inside me. Turns out she was carving another hole inside me." Familiar? Meh, just modified it from some book I read.

Stranger

Don't know why I do the things I do. I'm gonna lose another friend by the end of this year anyway. That.. I'm certain.

You're the only one who knew me

Went to school today, didn't expect that big of a crowd since the day to return textbooks was tomorrow. Surely enough by the time I got there, my class line was.. literally empty. :O
But soon enough people actually showed up, thank god I wasn't gonna be alone the whole damned day.

Spent most of the time in school lepak-ing in the library. The block where my class was.. just so happened to have no electricity. Yippee! So yeah, went to enjoy aircond in the library. And I had a really annoying headache after reading history for over an hour. SEE IT KILLS YOU

Only 22 days left till SPM. I really should be studying way more than I actually do. Sigh. Well.. About 2 months left of school. Then it's goodbye, once and for all. To a few things.. more than school. Guess I should be glad I'll never ever see a certain face again. Oh crud, there's 1 more occasion I'll be forced to put up with it and hopefully survive the day. I can already imagine the sharp piercing pain I'm gonna feel. And it ain't no joke, especially not on that day. The angel of death, or rather, my death. Maybe I'm exxagerating, but my sanity is definately gonna be on the brink of collapse. I'm weak.

Inspiration

Just re-read new moon. Well, needed to refresh my memory abit, before I go and watch the movie sometime after SPM. Don't wanna be like when I watched Twilight completely blur about all the characters, stories and whatnot. And also I needed to find ideas for future essays. New Moon is full of depressing stuff, which is perfect and just what I need. I completely feel Bella's pain.

Ok wth? I r crapping lmao.

Don't be so scared, it's harder for me

Gawd today was a friggin' long day. Woke up at 7 (IT'S A SATURDAY) and got ready for a grueling 6 hours of amali / teori blablabla whatever you'd like to call it which is needed for the L license. It's for a driver's license if you were wondering. Ash had asked me to go on Thursday so we could get done earlier, and + we could enjoy today being a weekend, my parents went back hometown. I could have played the entire day. But no, stupid wk just had to say the 1 thing I disliked to hear and claimed that on Thursday that would happen. So yeah, said absolutely no to Thursday ! :)
Well Saturday was sacrificed instead. Went for breakfast at NTS, and being the usual wk. He just suddenly apparated outta nothingness behind me and ash were looking for smth to eat.
FEAR TEH WK AND ALL HIS SNEAKYNESS~!

So yeah, stoned at the centre for 6 hours. It was divided into 2 sessions. 3 hours each. Theory in the class / Practical out in the circuit. Though it said circuit, it was basically in a hut. Where we were explained about how the test would be conducted blablabla. T'was a fun experience. We each had to start a car. Sounds easy, no? Well apparently starting the car itself could cost you 7 marks in the JPJ exam. There were several steps you had to follow meticulously =/
Meh, if I write about everything detailly that'd be stupid, and just not me. So I'll just skip everything :D!

Thought of the day : "He's right, I would be much better off not trying ever again. There's too much at stake. And I definately won't be the only one aiming at the prize. There'd be other people. So let's just be a coward like I always am and just run away from everything. It'll be much better if it was someone else suffering what I once suffered instead of me going through everything again. I'll just give the last ticket to someone else. KAREPPE! Let's go stare at chick's skating again.. oh wait.. It ain't at sunway this time. DANG!"

Holy damn I r haz flashback! Tiz why I think SAW? DAMN YOU LA GAZI KACAU ME DURING MY HAPPIEST TIME OF THAT DAY.

Restless

And yet another day as passed with it's lack of change. I'm still lazing around doing almost nothing even though SPM is practically around the corner. Meh. I'm so doomed, so far I've only done history ==

Gazi is a tard. Yes, you, GAZI. Thanks to you, I've done what I've been trying to avoid. This sealed it, I'm gonna be stuck in the dam cycle again. Time to go back to what I once was, some stupid kid who always kept to himself. Argh, dammit. I can feel that numbing feeling already, great.

Happy Burfday Biatch

The failcake, the constant annoyance, the tard who's constantly blur and can't read between the lines. Nuff' said.

Prom Ticket Sale

You got that right! Prom tickets are now on sale, all you have to do is contact Tim- ahem Carmen Wong Kah Man at.. whatever her number is, or pm her in msn. Get yours today!

This is only a sample copy. So what are you waiting for?!

Pm her now!at scorpiogirl_carmen92@hotmail.com

(so she'll stop harassing me) Terms and conditions apply.

It'll be on the 22nd of December 2009 at Sheraton Subang. Don't miss it :D

EPIC LOL!

I just had the most epic phone conversation ever. No idea why, but I'm gonna write down what I can remember from it.

*ring*
Me : Hello?
Gazi : Hey Kino.
*few mins later*
Me : Dey, WK got say anything ytd?
Gazi : Lol la, he tell me to help him register for Dominos.
Me : Wtf? Can't he just register himself?
Gazi : Dunno la, he said he's shy. Summore can hear chinese people in the background. I think his whole family shy la.
Me : OMG LOL!!!!
*A whole minute of nonstop laughter*
Gazi : Stupid la, he call me in the morning summore while I studying sejarah.
Me : Then?
Gazi : So I called up Dominos la. The most epic shit ever. I told the dude "Can I register for my friend?" He asked why. I just laughed and he didn't bother anymore.
Me : HAHAHA WTF LA HE NOOB!!
Gazi : Ya la, then the guy asked "So what would your friend like to eat?"
Me : LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!
Gazi : Stupid la I had to write down his address summore. But then when he told me, he sounded dam semangat.
Me : LOL!!!
*Another whole minute of nothing but laughter*

Then it was random chit chat. omg la, Wk is.. hands down, the most epic noobcake I've met in my life.

Falling back into the same cycle

Looks at clock, it's 3:18 pm. Not much longer to go. I've been told I'm a complete idiot for doing the things I do but who gives a damn? I can't control myself anyways, there's just... A sense of longing. Which currently has already taken over 60% of me from the minuscule 5% it used to be. Put into perspective, this is a really really bad sign for me.

"You can build a life and have it broken down, you can choose a path and get turned around, you can hate yourself and fall in love again. As for me, I've lost friends, lost lovers, but I still got my soul." ~ Friends and Lovers by Madina Lake.

The Final Riot!

Woohoo!! Don't think this wave of happiness is gonna wear off at least for tonight. Even having her name being said aloud to me didn't affect crap. :D YES!! Finally, after like.. alot of searching.

THE FINAL RIOT! begins now!

Distraught

I know it's stupid. I know it's hopeless. But I'm still gonna do it. I'm forsaking the last remnants of what's left of my sanity, and reopening the gates of my hell.

17th

HAPPY SEVENTEENTH FISHY :D (^.^)/

again xD

Why'd I choose the path I chose?

It's times like these that I just sit and stare into nothingness, wondering what did I do wrong. This is gonna be one crappy post. I'm starting to realise there were 4 paths I could have chose, if only I knew then what I know now.. Would I have stuck to my choice? My pathetic choice of being escort?
Meh. I hate thinking sometimes, especially now when I miss things more then ever. Or maybe it's just the fact I'm constantly blasting depressing songs into my head. Either way, it isn't gonna change anything unless I find the will to bring myself to do smth.

1 path was fraught with despair and pain. The 2nd's existence was never known or really acknowledged. The 3rd was found after walking the 1st. The 4th was never really a possible choice. I chose to go through the pain, hoping that at the end of the road, it'll all be worth it. Sadly, it was a dead end. They were all dead ends. Now I'm left sitting in the darkness wondering what was so alluring about the one I chose. I hate the fact I see perfection in a sea of imperfection.

I have no ****in' clue what I just said. I know I write really weird things at times, but that's just me.

Undang Pwnt

Colour test 8/8. Undang 49/50. OWNAGE =D

Fear. It's a word that's constantly in my head. I've learnt to live each passing day with fear plaguing my mind. I hate it, and yet I go through it everyday. I guess the stuff that happens to you makes you who you are. Sigh, everything's coming back. This is probably the 3rd time in the past year I had to rethink what's going on in my head.

I don't want to go through what I went through again. But for unexplainable reasons, I'm just drawn to remembering all the good times I spent. It's somewhat.. enticing and it has gotten a really strong grip on my emotional state of mind. Oh great, just great. What WK said got me thinking.. I do have an extra invite.. and somewhere in the corner of my mind, I want to ask that person..
"Yeah kiddo, dream on, it's never gonna happen" I gotta remind myself over and over and over again to put this behind me. I'm reopening scars, yippee.

Ever have the feeling.. You just got hit in the chest by a cushion of air. Fear and despair just roots you to a spot. Disabled and incapable of any sort of resistance, past memories just flood your head. Okay, maybe that's just in my case. But I'm really starting to miss.. Can I say it? Nope, still can't bring myself to.

I know she hates me. I have a gut feeling that she does. I could still remember that day I looked at her. It may have just been a glance, an unintentional one. But I still felt the icy cold stare pierce right through me. What have I ever done to let things end up like this?

Yeah, I just had to write all the crap down. There's really nobody I can talk to anymore. And keeping everything in just makes everything worse. Instability takes over. Guess that's just how life is, you win some you lose a lot.

Kinoc, snailing off.

People are a waste of space

Today could very well be one of the more ****ed up days of my life. Depressed like shit now wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Everything's starting to come back again. All the tiny little details I would remember just because it concerned her. Fuck this shit, I hate myself for remembering.

KKP!!

I think that's what it was called. Some 5 hour long ceramah thing on how to drive blablabla. Basically you have to sit through it to be qualified to take Undang, which I am going to take sometime later this week :O

Garh, bored, just got home from that and also lost a damn game. Damn no mood now, so I ain't gonna crap.

Once again, 2 AAR tickets up for grabs xD.
For some reason I wanna give 1 of it to a person who never seemed to be able to make it to any other concert, but I know I'm hated enough to not even bother trying. I'd only be a nuisance.

All American Rejects

Whoo! So they're coming on 31/10. Right now.. I've got 2 extra tickets ._.
Anyone interested? I don't think I have any transport so if you can get trasnport.. Free tix for you HIHI xD

Meh.. once again I'll need to find a replacement.. 26/07/08 much?

Free AAR tickets for :
1. hot chick xD
2. transport
So basically. LOL

Laio2pt0n2h92

Sigh, so bored now, didn't study one bit.. again. Zzz la!

Stupid internet dam lag.

Quote of the day :

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Every hour, she glanced at the clock...

So on so forth. That was the title of the essay I picked today. Yeah, went school just for English, whee. Trials essay sucked hard and I needed practice, lol. Today was friggin' boring though. Went to school, moment I stepped in.. Saw.. like.. less then 50+ people present. Then I remembered Form 4's had the whole week off and the Form 3's would probably skip school till PMR, which is tomoro. Before I write about other things,

GOOD LUCK TO ALL FORM 3's TAKING PMR!

Yeap, you all are gonna need it xD

So yeah, where was I? Was suppose to start the exam day with paper 2, literature. But we got the wrong set, the same as the pre trials, turns out there was a mix up and we were delayed 30 mins as they reprinted blablablabla. And then. Wtf, we had to write essays 1st. Paper 1 swapped with paper 2, perfect. I was in no mood to write an essay, was in a.. neutral mood. To write essays.. 1st priority, a depressed mood. Lol, no seriously, I write better depressed.. I don't know why though xD Inspiration maybe?

Why did the school had to swap paper 1 and 2. Especially since the depression only came after recess. Yeah, like I could miss that head bobbin' in as though it was a sign covered in neon lights despite my hardest efforts to look in other directions.
Meh, hate myself.

So yeah, boring day. Finished literature in an hour, and spent the rest of the time reading essays that everyone else wrote.

~Ashly Ashly Ashly KAYLA Ashly~

Mere infatuation?

I seriously can't tell, is this purely infatuation? My mind's been in alot of places and I can't seem to be able to think straight. Seeing that I've experienced this a grand total of twice.. *shocked* I wouldn't exactly be able to tell the difference..

To quote a line someone once said to me :
"Love is when you aren't with the person, and you really really have that heart falling apart and missing the person so much"
Deep meaning..

It hasn't exactly reached that point. I doubt I'll ever be able to reach such a point ever again.
I've learnt that however high you climb, when you fall.. You'll fall that exact same distance all the way back down to the ground.. and when you hit the bottom, it hurts, bad. The note remains the sole reminder that such a thing has happened to me and may very well happen again.

Where's there left to go? One path leads back to a person who completely hates me in every way, the 2nd is a blurry and foggy path where everything isn't exactly as it seems, and any other choices seem to be off limits. Sigh, I guess I'm just feeling a bit down again. Kinda miss this feeling, doesn't happen very often anymore. *which should be a good sign..but..meh*

Maybe it really is just infatuation, as a desperate attempt at peace. Argh, I'm so confused now.
One thing's for sure, the fact that I still ask people "Wait.. which one are you talking about?" is a clear giveaway that I haven't put things behind me.

Snail, signing out.

Snailing around

It's 12 in the morning, no seriously.. and I'm still in front of my monitor just stoning, and of course writing this post. Omg la. Well, gonna register for driving tomoro, whatever that means.
I hate the weekends, they're oh-so-boring, unless I get a chance to go out.

Postponed

Sigh, why lar? All-American Rejects on the 10th October..

POSTPONED!!!!

And here I was getting all excited about saturday.. Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.. The only thing I hope for now is that it won't be canceled, that'd be a bummer..
And of course, I had 3 tickets, but my sis had to delete one of the messages needed to claim it.
Now I only have 2 tickets left ==

HHHHHHHAIZ. Ah well, I'm already used to screw ups.

In unrelated news, this is a time where all I can feel is nth more than a ministab, smth like an ant bite, a very annoyin one I might add. Maybe it's right, when I focus more on 1.. the other doesn't affect me as much. Kinda like being caught in the middle. When I'm closer to one side, the other affects me less. Thing is I can only move in 1 direction, the 1st one is completely off-limits, so it's either move towards 2nd or stay in the middle, which is the worst possible choice as being in the middle.. I have no way of coping with the fall from either side.

Rushed

Random blog title? Nah, a flopping fish rushed me to update. LOL! So yeah, here's a completely random post about.. absolutely nth!

HIHI AAR TIX R MINEZ WOOHOO!

Maybe it's just me.. Or I just seem to get a huge energy spike whenever smth goes right =)

1 more thing, credits to lil for the new header. You're just awesome x]

Flop flop flop flop~