Bent and Broken's All I've Been

Have I truly stooped that low? I always known that I was never the high achiever, I never had a chance in the world to stand out as an ace nor to leave a mark. Never in my life had I expected to have made such a mockery of myself. The latest rounds of exams have seriously taken their toll on my confidence and resolve to study.

Each and every result that's been given to me so far has hacked away at my dying resolve and determination in my studies. What better way to kick off the day than to find out the essay that you wrote turned out abysmal at best. If there's anything that I take pride in when it comes to studies, it would be my essays. True, they are a farcry from anything that can be considered a work of art but still, there is a personal standard in which I place them against. I was never, and will never be, an accomplished writer with my lack of variety and overused cliche's and rhethorics. Maybe that break has actually left a huge gash in my writing skills or perhaps I had tried too hard on this essay for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to better that person, only to be pulled down, blinded by my own fury. Those days spent bickering was the only time I had managed to improve my writing and knowledge of grammar. To be honest, I regarded.. my adversary.. to have been a part of me, my other half when it came to writing. Guess that's gone now, along with that spark I used to have which managed to get me 23/25 then. The very sight of my Mocks essay nauseates me.

I need a Thesaurus, badly. I need.. that person.

Next came the most unexpected blow of all. A subject that I had highly regarded as one of my Top 4 subjects backlashed on me. It's one of those exams where everything goes smoothly and you finish it with a smile on your face thinking "That wasn't so bad" only to receive your results later. An abysmal 60 marks. Shocked wasn't even close to covering the agonizing numbness I felt. It got even better when I took a look at my internal marks for the second and last semester of my college life. I had been utterly defeated. My will has been broken, my resolve tarnished and my want, dissolved.

I messed up my essay, messed up my Bio and for certain I messed up my Maths.

Thankfully Phy was actually beyond my initial expectations, managed to score a 70. For a paper of that level, I have no right to feel unhappy about it. (:

It's no surprise if I end up messing up Chemistry too.

I really need that person now, everything used to be so easy. The stress literally melt itself away when I had a focus. Sadly, that focus had left me, both literally amd figuratively.

I'm not going to make it to Monash and live that dream. I'll end up a hobo, and a failure in life. At best, you'd probably see me selling roadside hawker food as I watch each and every one of my friends succeed in their education and life.

I failed. Studies, social, everything else.