Doodle #25 : Innocence

The promises we adored.

It's that time again, the time I dwell deep into my thoughts, in a way, and try to string words together in an attempt to phrase all too familiar cliches that I've overused in most of my blog posts.

I wouldn't say I'm drowning in sadness, nor that I can't swim.

Somehow, just thinking bout that kind of stirs this seething cauldron of mixed feelings within me.

Now that just sounded so odd. Maybe flowery lines just ain't my thing. I'm better off sticking with my cliches, overused idioms and redundant metaphores.

So, it's our nation's Independence Day. I can't say I'm truly in the patriotic spirit, at least not with the thoughts of exams looming dangerously over the horizon. I can pretty much say that this is the single most uneventful one I've lived through, from my perspective. Being crammed at home since the break of dawn, attempting to revise for my Physics test tomorrow. The only actual productive thing I've done today was redesigning my blog.

Moments ago, I came across a fellow blogger's post on his celebration of Independence Day. What really shocks me is that he was actually attacked without provocation by a group of youngsters. I'd rather not get into the details, but the motive was quite clear. It appalls me to think that such a thing can actually happen. Words alone can't describe this disgust.

It's time to shift gears, and go back into ranting bout my life mode. Cause I'm in that state where I can write a lot, and somehow twist what I write against me. Why, you ask? Cause I was never once in the right. Every time, and in every decision I've made this year, I was on the losing side. The saddest part is that I had never realized it sooner.

Rewind things back almost a year ago. I was buzzing with anticipation, I had left the world of school, preparing to step into a whole new world. College. Of course, I was glad to have been able to find a few familiar faces. Faces I had trusted.. with me. Happy, anxious, but looking forward to the joys that awaited me. What had matter then was that I still had one of the closest people I know with me, as we could tread together, into foreign territory. 4 days before the start, I was pleasantly surprised to know that another person, not too familiar but was still a face I knew and recognized would also be with us. I couldn't say the year could have kicked off on a happier note.

That's right. I was happy.

Truly a fickle emotion. One which comes and goes without a second thought. It lingers at second, then disappears the next. Without hesitation, it appears to have a mind of its own at times.

I had managed to land myself amidst what I regard as the possibly the coolest people I know. Weird and quirky in their own individual ways, but inseparable when we're all together. I've found my niche, my place in life. All was well.

As with most of my other illusions of happiness, nothing lasts. Nothing in this world is perfect, no matter how they seemed on the surface. I poured my soul into work, trying to distract myself. Gaming had always helped, but alas it was the year that I've chosen to quit gaming. I spent days, contemplating, perhaps I was just overthinking. Course, it had always been my greatest weakness.

I guess.. That's just how life is. Every time you pick yourself up from a fall, life throws something harder at you, sometimes in the most unexpected ways.

The words "Life is full of surprises" sums it all up. Everything has been turned into a grey area in my mind. No longer can I remember the good times I had spent. The sole memory left within me is that mad dash to safety. Corroding away, hacking at my soul.

I've been told time and time again, I never listened. Those words, spewed at me over and over. It disgusts me when it's said at times. Why of all people, should I even consider listening?

I'll read everything said, no worries. Course, then I'd find the negativity in everything.

I'll make my own choices, I'll choose when. I already have. I just keep getting dragged back into the same cycle.

That's who I am. I'd rather be hated than being forced to change myself. Period.

Now, it's about time I get back to Physics revision. (:

A New Look

I've finally done it.

I redesigned my blog. In other words, I very crudely clicked a few buttons here and there and played around with the default settings on the "Design" button in a what can't even be considered average attempt to refresh my page and give it a whole new look.

I was never good at art, or designing, or even just bringing myself to bother trying as it requires tonnes of time, devotion and passion. All 3 of which I lack, sadly enough.

I can't say I did a fantastic job on the little details, heck this was all done within the span of 15 minutes. It just goes to show, you get what you put in. Okay, I know that didn't sound quite right but the bottom line is..

Equivalent exchange. You win some, you lose some. The rewards you reap at the end of your efforts will be proportional to the amount of effort you sincerely put in.

One thing's certain. I hope this doesn't affect my nuffnang ads. LOL :)

Doodle #24 : An Omen

This pretty much settles it for the worst month of my life.

Time to get focused on nothing but assignments.

Seperating two peas in a pod is a futile task anyway (:

A disappearance, and appearance. Contradictions and contrasts.

Odd, truly, odd.

Doodle #23 : Say It To Me

And I'll leave this life behind me..

I guess I just found out yet another negative trait I have, but I ain't going to go into the little details. Let's just say I have a problem with.. Sitting still. Guess I just wasn't cut out for that.

The hyperness is a front, in a feeble bid to conceal what I truly feel. Then again, maybe it's how I perceive myself to feel. Emotions, what are they? Some view them as part of being human, or are they just a manifestation of your senses which is designed to remind you that you are alive, and breathing?

The prospect of anyone comprehending the complexities and the degree to which my mind is muddled, truly is a perplexing task.

Guess for now, the sun shines brighter. Or rather, the moon, as it's currently 9pm (:

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to you,

Tan Shi Lin

:P

Doodle #22 : Engulfed

You know.. I really wasn't surprised. Not one bit. After all, it's a situation you could only describe as.. flypaper.

Odd how this still fluctuates. Every jolt causes a lapse in self control.

I don't need this. What I've went through, wasn't worth it one bit. Not when better opportunities exist elsewhere. I was tossed around, knocked down then kicked around. It's time to twist everything again, the way I prefer to see things (: My way. It makes it so much easier to comprehend the little details.

Now now, why'd I let myself bother? Interesting question.. Perhaps I just have a lack of preoccupation, too much time with too little people to talk to. There's only so many options. I have a tendency to play around with fire, and scorching myself in the process. Oh life truly is a wondrous thing. (:

I despise holidays, to the very core.

Nothing good ever happens during holidays.

The first killer blow, the delays, being turned into a decoy, being manipulated, every single setback in my life, happened during holidays. It's evident that we don't get along.

Alas, I regret passing that.

Gradually..

First of all, I'd like to say..

Thank you. For hearing me out. I guess I really needed that talk, to just say what's been on my mind. Although I do agree at times that I'm horribly biased and self-centred. I guess it's all to do with how I had started out. I was vulnerable then, a newcomer, in this world of deceit and backstabbing. What I went through those dark times laid the foundation for who I am today, doubtful and paranoid. I can't blame anyone for what happened then, I had misread everything to begin with. With no prior knowledge nor experience, I was sitting ducks, literally in the middle of a firing range, just waiting to be shot down. As luck would have had it, I was shot down, in two successive shots.

I'm having flashes of memories again, indistinct faces of those I've crossed paths with. I wouldn't change a thing about them, their subtle abnormalities are what makes them the people I love and adore (:

All 11 of them, thanks for being there. (L)

So I've finally regained partial stability. Time to blog. :)

The morning sky is just so pretty. :)

Drove to college again, leaving kk by 6.50am everyday is a seriously stressful business. Thankfully somehow I've had the motivation to get up early lately. When I finally reach summit after picking up Ash and Fail, it's only 7.05 or so. *Stares into intersection* OMG IT'S SO CLEARRR! Compared to normal traffic that is. It's still congested but at least it's MOVING and not at a STANDSTILL. That's motivation enough for me. Reaching college at 7.30 lately, a good thing is that it really gives me time to study and revise before classes begins. Have bout an hour till 8.30 before I've to head off to either class or the library. My works' been strangely complete lately! :)

Also had my Physics Practical Examination #2 today at 9.30 with the rest of the C/D gang. It wasn't as hard as I had initially expected. I mean, for once I actually got Physics. It wasn't confusing as it always had been to me. Manage to set up everything, experiment went nicely and even our results were PERFECT! Wow. I just hope marks weren't deducted for playing around with the conducting wires. LOL! Sparks :)

Brunch at The Lunch Box with the gang. Managed to drag Suqi along. 5 of us swarmed her refusing to let her go anywhere but with us :)

Chemistry class next :) OMG They removed ELECTROLYSIS from our syallabus WTF?! My Chemistry is now lacking spdf configurations, cyclic compounds, the more complex molecule shapes, a deeper insight into equilibrium AND electrolysis! This is the part I get all overconfident for Chem before screwing up my whole paper. Bahhh!

Maths. Cancelled but still had assignment to finish up D:

Stoned in the foyer again waiting for my friend to get off class. Left college at 6 and reached kk at 6.30. Not bad (:

Doodle #22 : The Puppet

Cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but it's happening..

A flame that cannot be doused, one that is futile to extinguish. The fire streaks across your soul, burning it from the inside out, spreading like wildfire. A flame which wants nothing more than to reduce the world into ashes.

The tiniest of sparks is all it takes to set the world ablaze. A world where nothing is sane and everything is but a mere conspiracy. A fabricated illusion which paralyzes all his senses, stringing him along.

He is but a toy, a marionette, only to do the puppeteer's bidding, having virtually no sentiment of his own.

His limbs move against his will, he speaks without thought and takes action without any conviction.

It's a little thing we all know and love and hold dearly, and it's called,

Hate.

Nobody in their right mind would tolerate being treated as a mere plaything, or buoy.

Vote Elaine S. 028

Listen up guys. There's a Mirrors Ambassadors contest going on now and my friend's part of it. So I'll appreciate it if you help her out.



Elaine S.

Copy paste this link to go to the contest webpage.

http://mirrors.my/home/events/mirrors-ambassador-contest/mirrors-ambassadors-round-one/?nggpage=2

Once there, find contestant number 028 and vote :)

Questions Unanswered

Why does my blood still boil?

Why can't I kill off this feeble side of me?

Why do I remain a useless burden to everyone I know?

Why hadn't I asked that day?

Why can't I focus on anything in my life?

Why does everything that seem right always end up wrong?

Why am I so naive and easily deceived?

Why do I let myself get toyed around time and time again?

Why did I let myself spiral years back to the depressing state that I'm in now?

So many questions, never any answer. I'm just so useless.

Doodle #21 : Another Night

Okay, fine I'll attempt another update.

The past few days have been hectic, or rather, it has been in my mind. The constant swapping between the better and worse half of me. It truly is an odd sensation.

Finally gotten that MAS report over with. Took long enough, I really should procrastinate less. It's almost the end of August now and another round of exams are coming up, real soon. I have my MAS presentation as well as EALD Oral practical on Tuesday and a Phy Investigation task due on Wednesday which I haven't even began yet. And it isn't long before my mocks will be here. There'll be less than a month in between my mocks and actual externals. You can't blame me for being jittery at the notion of it.

My time at AusMat is seriously running out. I've no longer any time to waste playing around. I've got to find that niche in me, the serious part and bring it out. It's kind of hard to coax him out, he likes sleeping.. ALOT.

I'm not ready to face the thought of leaving Sunway behind, my AusMat family and friends. I get scared thinking about the future and the dwindling time I have left.

If you gave me a chance, I'll take it. Trust me. :)

But I really shouldn't get ahead of myself. Then again, if I don't succeed at this, I'm really going to hate myself for letting it slip by me when nothing else already matters.

The irony. I get so swelled up with emotion every time I think about it. I just wanna burst into laughter. How could I have not noticed then?

Back when I was still fixated, I wouldn't have bothered giving a second glance. The extent to which I regret such actions. I can't believe I passed it without a thought.

Doodle #20 : In The Rain

Nothing to lose, but everything to gain..

I guess I'm just so weak. Incapable. To sheath what is true is a mere contradiction to reality.

I no longer have what it takes to hold back this part of me. Tag, time's up. Time to switch sides. I'm tired of keeping the good side of me out.

I thought that whatever I had left, died off with part of me that day.


On an unrelated note,

Fate, I hate you. Why did you show me a new light only to take it away? Within such a short time.

I stutter and I panic everytime. I just ain't myself.

EDIT : I'VE LOST ALL HINT OF ANGER. I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING AT THE IRONY AHAHAHAHHAHAA

What Do You Think?

A low rumble, a whistling howl,
The wind passes through his very soul,
Chilling to the bone,
Release, he could feel bits and pieces of himself being scattered,
He took one last gaze into the horizon,
The bright sunlight, the blazing heat,
It all felt so surreal to him,
Free at last.

A lingering want,
A desire that echoed within him,
A pursuit, a chase, without any sense of direction,
A seek for truth, without any sense of conviction.

Having arrived at crossroads, the path ahead was unclear,
Weighing all his options was out of the question,
Time simply wouldn't abide by his wishes,
It wouldn't allow any uncertainty,
So he chose to stand by and watch,
A passerby, not participant in a race against time.
Fate looms, it plays it's card,
A reddish glimmer can be seen at the edge of the path,
Gleaming, enticing one to come closer yet just out of reach.

He contemplates his unjust choice,
Irreversible perhaps?

The wait for the dust to settle, as a new dawn beckons.

Did I Change The World?

I'll get into the title later. For now, a brief recap for the day. Gawd damn, it's been long since I've written a recollection of my day :)

Had to get up early. Oh gosh, I can feel the Monday blues already! I hate having to wake up early and going to bed the night before KNOWING you had to wake up early the next day. It isn't the most comforting feeling in the world. No, it doesn't even come close. A hair's breath? Nah.

Traffic? Horrible. Seriously Summit was jam packed with cars carrying only 1 passenger, the driver. If everyone carpooled the traffic could easily be reduced by 60%. That'll make it a hell lot easier to get to college. Especially since I had to make a round to Taylor's to drop my friends off.

Got to college and had 4 hours to stone. EAL/D that morning was cancelled, well kinda, for me, since I wasn't involved with the whole oral trial examinations. My turn's two weeks from now. So I've ample time to prepare :)

So I took that chance to find some place to study maths. Stupid foyer was SWAMPED with water, so went over to cafe instead while waiting for the library to open. Gawd it was HOT =.= So yeah, did bout 30 minutes of Maths then headed over to the library. Printed out chem notes and finished up worksheet 5.2. I feel so proud of myself now *bloats up*

Ate lunch with the usual Monday gang and went for classes after that :)

Attended some talk today. Change Your World Quest 1 at Audi 3. With Mun. They started off with some brief introduction, so it was time to scamper outta the nearby vincinity, till they were done at least. :)

Went back, sat thru some talks. Pictures on Facebook ;)

Quite the inspirational talk.

Biggest Fan of Cliche's

I've lost that rush. I guess it really is fading. Perhaps it's for the better (:

I try to get a glimpse of what's passed but my memory fails me. No longer can I remember the little details, the days I had spent, everything that I had done. I can feel it all all crumbling away from beneath my feet. Even after that day was laid out before me, I couldn't remember it.

There are only a few significant events that bind me to the rest of passed. A reminder, of what could have been.

Exams are really getting to me...
I just gotta weather the next few weeks, it'll all be over soon :)

Family

Dedicated to everyone I've met this year.

They're just ordinary people,

People who live their lives everyday,

People who've met by chance,

People who try to make the best out of their lives,

People who endeavour to see the good in others,

A stroke of fate brought them together,

Perhaps lady luck had played a hand.

Unexpected decisions in life,

They may bring bliss or desolation,

Either way,

All there's to do is to keep walking down the path you've chosen,

In the arms of people you've met along the way,

Thick and thin, highs and lows, ups and downs,

You just know there's people who are just waiting to catch you should you fall.

People who'll lay down their lives for you,

People you'll lay down your life for,

People you'll trust without a hint of doubt,

People you'll do anything for without a hint of hesitation,

There's nobody else like them,

People you call your friends,

Yet close enough to be known as,

Family.

:)

Coincidence

It's really ironic how the timing of those two events were so similar. To think that I had to go through the first one while juggling the second event with everything else.

Doodle #19

It's an odd sensation. When I feel I'm treading in places I was never meant to be, it just feels off. Guess if there ain't a spark, I shouldn't make my own.

The Prisoner

These walls block off the horizon,

Daunting, as their impregnability looms, encircling their sole occupant,

Boxed in, escape was an unfeasible option,

Relinquishing all his volition, he surrenders himself to fate,

He does as he's told, devoid of any visible sentiment,

Filled only with trivial desires, he remains an insignificant existence,

Wishing, not wanting,

Seperated from the world, a window glass provides a hint of salvation,

A glimmer of hope to bring light into darkness,

A silhouette saunters in the distance,

Muddled by the creeping paranoia,

Imprisoned in his own sanctuary,

The thorny vines of his paradise ensnare him,

A prisoner in his own world.




Still mediocre. AHH! :(

My Heart In My Hand

All of her walls continually change..

So it's been a rollercoaster ride. Ups and downs. But for now it's the nice steady stretch.

This is the time I regret coming out of the exam hall early (AGAIN). Can't believe I had made such an elementary mistake in my Chemistry Topic Test III. I failed to notice the imbalanced equations. There goes my marks, and some of my pride.

Tomorrow, Physics Topic Test II.

I. Am. Screwed. Hands. Down.

The headache's back, and it brought a friend.

Doodle #18

This is going to be one hectic week, Chemistry and Physic topic test, EALD assignment due this friday. Maths C/D Topic Test to study for next Wednesday as well as Oral Examinations trial which will be assessed next Friday.

I. Am. Dead.


Smothering it doesn't help, I can feel it clawing out at me, trying to break free.

But so far, holding it back has been a no brainer.

It feels good to laugh again.

I can't seem to write lengthy deep thought posts anymore. I've lost that.. touch, that spark of inspiration that I had. To be able to draw out a complete sentence meant to overflow the reader with emotion, to spark a flame within them to read. Gone. Like the wind.

Still have a fraction of it though, hopefully it returns, along with all the big fancy words I've seen to have forgotten.

I don't wanna fall to the level of people who attempt to emo with fail english. It appalls me.

Doodle #17

It exists, yet it does not.

An odd sensation, lingering.

I've lost my resolve but something still feels missing.

Doodle #16

Truly resigned.

Doodle #15

Here I am, being sucked back into the vortex that I had tried so desperately to free myself from.

I have almost no self-control, wow.

I have this tendency to just take every single event and twist it in order to form the worst possible situation. Depressing, no?

I can be told everything, but nothing can hide that hint of avoidance I'm getting.

Sigh. I messed up, real bad.

This Time Now Lost

I seriously do have a split personality disorder.

Or as psychology terms go, Superego, Ego, Id.

Superego's more like the angel in every person and Id's the devil. Ego's the body that holds everything together and to weigh everything and keep it in balance.

My superego's pretty much dead, thanks to Id.

But angels never really die, they're just suppresed.

If YOU are reading, yeah it isn't exactly me, I have almost no self-control (yeah I'm dodging responsibility) and I'll never say it in person. Pfft.

Don't say I ain't trying to think objectively.

Put yourself in the shoes of a total stranger then reevaluate every action.

Get the picture?

Every. Single. Person. With. A. Straight. Mind. Would. Think. The. Same. Thing.

Now multiply that x10.

And shove it into your mind.

That's what happened to me.

Old habits die hard, I still notice everything that happens, place them on a timeline and compare and contrast timing. Twisting every event to its worst possible angle to try to break my resolution. An act of self torture, for the better of others.

Giving Up

I'm getting tired of trying to hold it all together. You win. I may have been wrong but I'll never admit it. All I want is for this cold war to be over, sure that's what I'm saying but 'll never make a move

Quotes

Quotes :

Alone
A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality. - John Lennon

Life
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. - Robert Frost

Death
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit." - Bill Maher

Love
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu

Forgiveness
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - William Blake

Day -1

With these two hands, I had destroyed everything in my life.

Within 10 mins, a year came crashing down.

I breathe, with no purpose.
It feels more like a routine. Breathe in, breathe out. I don't see the point. The ties that bound my body and soul to mortality. Sometimes I just wanna break free.

I walk, with no direction.
My feet move, placing one in front of the other. Everything that passes me remains a streak of blurry haziness. I see faces I do not recognize. Those that I do recognize pass me without a second glance.

I trust, with no conviction.
My thoughts are being overwhelmed by information. I no longer try to struggle to make sense of it. To be lost, in a sea of emotion, drowning in despair.

I speak, but I do not remember the words that escape.
I see those I talk to, I see them talking, I think I can hear them as well, yet I can't understand. I've lost all sensible thoughts.

Droplets of water, tears, form upon my cheeks. I lie in bed, staring at my ceiling, pleading with my head to shut itself down.

Two years back, I dreamt it was the end of the world and I struggled to find that someone amidst the chaos.

Now, I dreamt that some country just nuked the Sunway District, once again I found myself searching for another person through the despair and death.

Similarities, but this is much, much, worse.

I thought I had felt it all back then, I thought I had sunk to the lowest possible point in my life. Turns out I was wrong, again, as I always have been and always will be. Another face in the crowd, insignificant.

Today is officially

The. Single. Worst. Day. Of. My. 17. Years. Of. Life.

Is It Worth It

AusMat. BIGGEST regret of my life.

Sure, life would have been very different. No more family, no Sexy Mui, no Nyamaa, no Kelz, no Dinding, no Whoremaster, no Lo Mai Kai, no Tribal War Chieftain, no Fabtianne, no Cina Gurl, no Joeyy, no.. You, the most important person to have ever changed my life.

At least, I’ll be spared the pain.

I’m getting tired of waiting for someone I’m only second best to. All the ups and the downs, I thought it’ll be worth it soon enough. When everyone was against it, I shrugged off their opinions. I had never felt better in my life. I pressed on, trying. Every step I take towards you makes the next exponentially harder. Yet, I never had a shred of fatigue in my mind, spurred on by my feelings. I thought I had found the perfect person.

Alas, I was mistaken. Again.

The hatred I felt two years back was miniscule in magnitude compared to the present. Some say the closer they are to you, the greater the pain you’ll feel. Experiencing this firsthand, I have no retort whatsoever to the validity of the phrase.

In 72 hours, I’ll decide.

I guess I’ll just be here if you need me, not that I assume you would. After all, who needs me when you already have someone to be there, in the spot I had always wanted to be in.

If I look half-dead whenever any of you see me, don’t ask.

There has to be a reason for this excruciatingly long wait.

Self Torment

If it's a dream, please don't wake me..

When people all stare. I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk..

To be so close, it feels as though I'm burning up. I wonder how did I manage to land myself where I am now. I feel my pulse racing, the very familiar feeling that I'm falling, being swallowed whole by the gaping fissure left inside my heart.

The passing of time meant little to me, not when I can no longer feel the seconds tick by. I feel incapable of rational thoughts, consumed by distraught. To feign ignorance is something I'm capable of, but not very well at doing. Every so often a piece of me cracks, revealing fragments of my soul, bound to the world by my body alone, waiting to break free from the clutches of life.

Cemented by the refusal for objectivity, the light is snuffed out.

Desecrate, desolate, destroy, eradicate everything. The world seems better when there's nothing in it, no love, no hate, no trust, no deceit. All there is, is a soul and the darkness that surrounds it.

I hold NO REGRETS in my choices. Okay maybe a hint of it, but nothing significant.

It's starting to fluctuate again. For better, for worse.

I guess there's no way I'll be finishing up work anytime soon.

Confirmation, this time I ain't turning back.