Doodle #14

It's really puzzling.

Different atmospheres catalyse different reactions.

Still, the awkwardness remains.

Doodle #13

Something's still being withheld. There's no such thing as total transparency.

The Irony

"Life is full of surprises" Her words were so true indeed (:

It was kinda ironic too.

Back to business, for those of you who actually take some time to read my blog (Who'd wanna read such an emo one anyways, *cue sad face*) you might have noticed the removal of the chatbox. For some reason I've been getting an overwhelming amount of spam chatter. It's somewhat bewildering as it has only started recently.

Went for badminton again at 3K, this time with Prem, Jo, Marc, Kelz and Jing. Quite fun (: Haven't got that worked up in a long time. TAPAU YOU LA KELZ :D Went over to A&W for lunch. T'was quite similar to the previous badminton outing, only that this time it was during the day (:

Today seriously feels kinda relaxed, nothing much to do in Chem, just revisiong and there was no Maths class, all we were given were an assignment with 66 questions OHMYGAWD!

Okay, writing about the daily ramblings in my life, just isn't me. I can't really write about a deep thought post, it's been quite the happy day, thanks to her. The one person capable of quelling any doubts or worries I may have had :)

I just found out smth, deleting my whole message conversation list actually deletes those I saved too! WTFFFFF?

..

..
..
Wait for it..

..

That thought sent a cold shiver down my spine. I no longer have any form of conviction in that person.

It still doesn't seem right, the very notion of it sends a chill down my spine. There's a rift, shaped by an insatiable desire to possess. My bloodshot eyes gaze lifelessly upon the remnants of what's passed. A shadow in the background, a silhouette in the distance, the faceless figure. I no longer recognise who it is. Repressed within my memories, there's almost no way for it to break free and see the light of day.

That smile is what gets me through the day. It keeps me in place, amidst a blurry sea of chaos.

Sometime the fear paralyzes me, I feel like I'll be a bother to you. Funny how it's the same thing that presses me forward. Ironic, one of life's pleasant contradictions :)

There's been a nagging feeling puzzling me lately. It tugs at my heart..

Doodle #12

Something lingers in my mind.

It doesn't feel right.

I can't believe that it has even infected my feelings.

This is so WRONG!

Doodle #11

It's just like me to get so fixated on every little thing.

Perhaps I should put my keen observation to better use?

Oh gosh, I remember this rush, maybe it's just me.

Somehow, I feel that I really should have asked that day. It'll be a little odd to ask now wouldn't it..?

Yet..





Edit : Just saw a pop up pm. That alone is reason enough. I REFUSE TO BE OBJECTIVE ABOUT THIS

Doodle #10

Against conformity, a silent farewell.

It just felt so wrong, this isn't how things were meant to be.

Divided in two, I leave my actions to the stronger half of my mind.




Rough draft for poem DONE!

Everything's new, innit?

Discover life, read awesome blogs.

Now honestly.. Who WOULDN'T fall head over heels for such an awesome catch phrase? (L)

I must say I got pretty shocked when I clicked onto my Nuffnang Innit page today. Never expected such a drastic overhaul of its page.

WHOA! Pretty awesome layout I must say. Really cheerful too, love the colour.

AWHHHH! It even has a HEART login thingy.

BUT.. WHY CAN'T I LOG IN?! ): ): ):

Maybe it's just some technically issues, garh! I wanna login now now now now!

Sadly, I didn't take a snapshot of the previous innit. If I had, we'd be able to see befores and afters (:

Doodle #9

Fluctuations in my self-control. A lapse every so often. I no longer have the strength to keep this up.

Time to get more study oriented, I have to get started on that book report.

Seperation

I want to believe, but time and time again you proved me wrong.

Thank you for making this a whole lot easier for me.

It's a coward's way out to cut off my infected limbs but it'll be less painful than having to live through it everyday.

This is goodbye.

It's a wonder how well that composure is kept.

Doodle #8

Fluctuating levels of fatigue from the camp throughout the entire day. A fallout effect perhaps?

I say everyone has their limits, one can be patient but only to that extent.

When you already stigmatize a person, every little thing is perceived negatively.

The main goal now is to retain an objective state of mind, as well as to stay awake for tonight.

Doodle #7

A thought just struck my mind. I remember now what I had dreamt before.

Why am I going about dreaming of other people? No idea. Maybe it's just how I want other issues to resolve themselves.

The not so starry night sky, sheathed by a layer of clouds, truly a calming background.

Thanks for the advice, least now I know myself better.

Or rather, I did, I just refused to admit that I was such a person.

To hear from others reinforces my stand on myself.

The more prominent dark side of me, manifests itself at will.

The Famine : Hunger Begins.

Not so eye, catching title says it all!


Yesterday I signed up for the 24 hour Famine event orgnised by the Sunway University College SSD. Or rather, I got dragged persuaded by a good friend of mine who was on the Student Council. And it was held at non other than..



The majestic halls of Sunway University College itself (:


BUT.. Before we get down to business, and forced starvation fasting, I had to attend replacement EAL/D class first, for 5 hours, 9am --> 2pm. Reached college around 8 and managed to get my last meal for the next 2 days. And with that thought in mind.. I went and bought..


Nasi Lemak.

Yeap! Oh nuts, why?!


Anyways.. Watched Wide Sargasso Sea as part of the replacement class schedule. Gawd, mere words fail me as I struggle to find the appropiate words to describe the movie, so I won't

even try. It was way to.. Implicit to even think about -_-



Super blur ): FIXATION ON PEN!

After class was over, went to Audi 6 to join the rest of the 24F participants. Being late, I missed out on over half of the day's planned events. In short, I was completely lost (:

But! I was in time for the sadistic torture games they had planned for us! We were to get changed cause we would get wet and to reassemble within 20 minutes.

I took this time to head over to the library for a short break and what'd ya know? I missed the first game completely cause I.. dawdled too much. Sheesh, everyone went missing too!

Somehow, found the lot roaming about the cafeteria, managed to find my group and joined them as they played charades. We were given a choice to either describe, act or draw the words given to us for the other members to guess. We chose draw, smooth, no? (:

After that headed over to some station in which the main objective of the game was to.. pass a really LOOOOOOOOONG message! 5 passages which ranged from 3 to 5 sentences each, you can just IMAGINE the pain. And they were really factual lines too -_-

After that, Amanda's station! :D *note the subtle tone of fear as we approach her station*

All we had to do however.. was knot ourselfs together and just untangle ourselves afterwards.

Every session was 15 mins long so after we were done, we just.. dawdled.

Then it was time to get wet! Itianne's SADISTIC station! In which every member took turns to stand in a designated firing range practice target for pail or bucket of water spot and answer questions. If you get it right, you're okay, if you get it wrong.. oh ho ho.. Brace yourself for the imminent chill (:

I was TWO questions away from making Itianne buy me lunch! SHEEEEEEEEESH! Got hit twice. -_-

Then the last station just required us to piece together a story, nothing much.

After a short break in which we were allowed to take a bath and get freshened up, we met up at the cafeteria again for a game called Sink, Save, or Fold. It's something like advanced charades in which teams compete against each other. A member from each of the 4 groups would receive the word from the fatty gamemaster in which they would run back to their groups on the count of 3 to start acting out the words. The first team to get it right and tells the gamemaster the word gets a choice between Sink / Save / Fold.

Oh and before I get into the rules, each team were given their own Manila Card where they wrote what they knew about HIV (Well I came late so I missed out the part they drew the card).

Sink - You send a member of any opposing team onto their manila card. There, they are NOT allowed to speak or assist in charades whatsoever.

Save - You save a team member that has been sunken.

Fold - You fold an opposing team's manila card in half. This gives them half as much area to stand on when they're sunken.

Why? Cause if you're sunken and you can't stand on the manila card, eg your feet come out, or if you lose 4 /5 members. YOU LOSE!

This is what happens when two guys get sunk onto a SMALL piece of manila card (note what he's standing on)

Now, THIS is what happens when you add a girl to the sunken crew of two. Ignore Marcus, he's just posing with them. LOL

Had loads of fun, didn't even notice time passing before it was all over.

Such a calming sight. College at night. (:

WACHAAAAAAAA!

After another break, we went back into the Audi to watch 2 movies.

Transit - A movie about how HIV can easily spread cross-continent. Very enlightening.

RichardRich - NO IDEA WHAT THIS MOVIE IS CALLED, that's just the main character's name. It was about some rich kid, or rather, the RICHEST kid on earth. Pretty entertaining (:

The next day..

Each group were to brainstorm what they had learnt from the 24F and present their ideas out.

Blue team, Marc's group.

Another group, I think I missed out the 3rd group in my pics :S

And last but not least..

Red Team! Led by.. No idea, I'm just a member :D

TIME TO EAT EAT EAT EAT EAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Red Team, my team, and the awesome people I've met through the camp (:

Yeah, quite the relaxing weekend :)

Doodle #6 : Split

Wrath, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Pride, Lust, Envy..

The 7 sins that make up a person. To be devoid of any is to be devoid of being a complete person. To keep each and every one of those sides of me in check is an arduous task itself, as each struggles to gain complete control of my mind. Frail and beaten as it already is.

When you receive something you thought was a special gift, all feels well, it feels as though you've been given something more. But when everyone starts to have the same thing, it loses it's individuality, blends in with the crowd, and is nothing more than a mere, object.

Senselessness.

Rage.

An controllable lust.

I had wanted one simple wish. Time. Was it really so hard to be given that, even just for a day?

Why is it, that every single time, my hopes, get crushed. To be treated as a mere insect.

Insignificant.

Useless.

The world doesn't need me.

Two Sides to One Story

All it takes is a spark, to set a soul ablaze..

I guess second best is all I will know..

A crevasse lies within me, splitting the trusting part of me from the one that naturally repels everyone. I guess somewhere deep down, part of me remains sociable, buried under the rubble that is my pain. Every attempt to sift through the debris lodges another spike through me, like slipping on the ledge of a construction site, falling to my death before finally impaling myself on the jagged edges of a metal object sticking out from the ground, my paranoia.

First, from the more persistent side of me. It feels good to have nothing but music, at maximum volume, blast into your ears. Course it would have happened EXACTLY that way, I never doubted it for a second, after all. I was ALWAYS second-best, no matter how much I tried, how much I toiled away, how much I had wanted to better myself. Tossed aside, scattered in the wind as I just fade away, forgotten. Doomed to be nothing more than another face in the crowd, nothing. It's only a matter of time before I disappear completely from those eyes.

The walls are slowly closing in, there's less space to move in and even less time to attempt any form of escape. Beaten, I surrender to whatever fate awaits me. My will has been broken, shattered into uncountable pieces. And so, I take my last breath, as the light leaves my empty eyes. Battered and bruised, I've lost. Everyone moves along, going about everyday routines, just enjoying life to its fullest, and where I am? Lost, rooted in place as I still can't put it all behind me, fixated yet unable to do anything.

The true depth of those words were unfathomable, true, it was only a simple phrase, displaying one's initiative to ensure another's well being. It could vary, hence a thousand possibilities could arise with such words. Behind it all, something still lingers, everything still doesn't feel right. I've never felt so lost and disconnected from those I hold dearest to me, seemingly unaffected by the mist that has befallen me and another. To have been in the reality I believed in for so long, it's only natural to refute anything that contradicts with my beliefs. To have truth being fired at me again and again, it feels like I'm being pummeled by a battering ram.

When two different and contrasting truths collide, there's bound to be conflict. Solving them is not my forte, as I just lie in pain and suffer the agony as the problem slowly spirals out of control. I seriously.. Sigh. I don't deserved to have the title of a "friend", sometimes I feel it'll be easier if I had never chosen, of all people, the one that I had, without a doubt, disregarded my friend's advice, to not ask her, only to fall for her barely 2 months later. I wanna go back to that day, the day I had looked to her, and looked away without even a second thought. I can't believe what I had just missed out on, the world, my world.

The icy cold wind bites at my bare skin, but nothing compares to the coldness I feel inside, hollow and dead.

However, sometimes, I manage to see past all take, to revert things back to how they were originally meant to be. To laugh, to joke, without a hint of skepticism, to have complete faith and conviction that my fears were unjust and unbased. All the negative emotions in me felt worlds away, in a parallel world, nonexistent in reality. I could look past everything, and embrace the one I've forsaken.

Most times, the part of me that screams bloody murder, is the one that I show.

Deep down, I'm still trying to make sense of all this. Maybe I'm just not a friend worth having.

Doodle #5

I hate this, I used to be able to wake up every morning, joyously awaiting the rest of the day.

Now, every morning I wake up, shuddering to the thought that this will all end one day. The fear has consumed me. The one solitary moment of joy I can ever have in the day, gone.

A New Resolve

The phone lies on the table, unmoving as I anxiously wish it to ring..

These long days finally draw to a close. The seconds still pass by as slowly as the sun inches ever closer to the horizon, until it fades away and with it, light vanishes from what seemed to be the most sluggish days of my life.

Oh nuts, I actually can't think of anything else to say! THIS CANNOT BE!!!!

GARH ASLJLKASJKVANL SYSTEM MALFUNCTION

Hehe hi let we speak lik dis ^^ U gt d c anot worh d ppl owaz tok lik so hard 2 undrstnd de worh??

OMG I'M SCREWING UP ME ENGLISSSSSSSSSSSSH. TIME OUT, time to stop typing like.. I ain't saying anything! I do not wish to be implicated in any form of name calling :)

Back to the issue at hand, a number of question remains. An eerie silence rings through the air. Somehow I can't help but feel that this could very well be the calm before the storm. Ripples of uncertainty echo from a rickety and barely held together sense of peace. A fine line dividing right and wrong, a line drawn by the consciousness and personal insight of each individual as seen in their own light.

I guess I'm just not in the mood today to write a lengthy rant. Pfft.

However, I'll try not to let this show on me, again.

Monologist

The pieces have nothing but jagged edges. Every attempt to put them together either tears each piece into smaller ones or inevitably cuts myself in the process. One thing leads to another, a never ending cycle of events, or rather, the chain reaction effect. The absence of a key factor didn't help make anything any clearer. Life was still a blurry haze. So much for keen observations and the knack for having an eagle eye when it comes down to this.

I was wrong before, or so I thought.. It feels as though I'm split into two now, one half of me wishing to believe those words of reason were true, and the other half screaming bloody murder, appalled by the crude method in which those lies persuasive words were phrased.

The better half of me would just accept things as they are, as people see it, merely gestures of friendship, nothing more. Then, everything would be just the way they should be. A peaceful, nice, and happy way to go through the rest of this year.

The other half refutes all reason, poisoned by words of mouth. Stuck in his own parallel reality, convinced that only his way of analyzing the situation is right. Picking up the smallest details and twisting logic, even the most innocent of actions can be flared up to the level of blunt betrayal. To know very well that those actions spell certain death in the eyes of others my eyes.

Time and time again, the cynical part of me triumphs in my mind, shaping my thoughts. Clouds of distrust gather, linking every action, desperate to pin the blame in order to prove that I was right. That I had been wronged, betrayed, a theory that isn't so far-fetched had it not been for the voices of those I loved which broke through my veil of seclusion.

Bloodied from the past, my recovery is a slow one. Some people say time's the only medicine for emotional wounds. Scars, made as the dagger's blade is driven straight into my chest, burying the hilt deep has left it's mark. Having recovered only to be delivered a second blow only added salt to the still healing wound.

Who you are as a person is shaped by your past experiences. I for once can't argue with that. Having fell twice, the brittle piece of glass that is my mind is easily shattered by the most innocuous actions. Fed by the lies of others, I'm starting to turn my back on those I trust again.

One question is answered, but a million remains. Where can I possibly begin?

If it weren't true, why had YOU kept fueling the fires?
Rumours can only spread when you act the way people talked, and you sure seemed to have a great deal of excitement doing so.

If this keeps up, these last 4 months will definitely not be worth it. What was seemingly the most perfect year in my life starts to crumble about it's foundation.

The plot unravels, but the mysteries still remain.

I told myself before, not to be such a depressive person. I had tried, for her. I had almost made it out, but the light just keeps fading away. I no longer know who can be trusted.

I'm sorry, especially to her, the degree of my twisted thoughts have even poisoned what I thought of her, the single most important person to me.

I had once wanted to be that guardian angel, the one person to run to, who could never hurt her. Turns out I will never reach it, but I just refuse to give in.

I've lost count of the days. I no longer have the strength to begin it again.

2 pieces of evidence remains unexplained.
The text which was missent to a friend.
The post which was clearly directed towards me.

Doodle #4

I stumbled upon a pretty interesting quote today.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Well, ;)

Doodle #3

Yeah, that pretty much sums it all up. For once, you guys will be getting a picture post!

"WHAT? DID HE JUST SAY THAT?! PICTURES?!"

Yes, indeed! But first, time for my routine ranting on my daily life and/or experiesnce.

Last Tuesday, went to the 3K sports club with my fellow AusMat-ian Family

It was a pretty fun experience overall. Real tiring, but got to spend some quality time with those that matter to me. Had dinner at A&W just down the street (:

Now.. For those of you who RECOGNISE what speech THIS is.. well it's quite famous anyway.

For those of you who DON'T, it's the famous "I Have A Dream" speech spoken by non other than the legendary Martin Luther King himself. For my EALD homework, had to pretty much.. fill in the blanks. HAH! And let's not forget we all had to recite it in class. Some were pretty funny, while others took some serious effort to prepare their version of their dreams. Mine was.. okay I suppose. Didn't really stand out, nor was it too bad. Guess I'm sitting at average. Pfft.

Yeap, that's a brief recap of my life these past 2 weeks. (:

A Hollow Shell

Seeing what I see, it feels like a huge slap in the face.

It's times like these I just sit down and reflect, on all my past mistakes. A blurry streak of images clouds me, as I get enveloped in the darkness that is what's passed. Taking the first step into a whole new life, hoping for the best. I had wanted to leave it all behind, sadness, pain, torment, desolation, reclusion, the tendency to blank out and become completely oblivious to my surroundings as I take a step into light, a new life, that January.

Somehow my style of writing is getting horribly cliched.

I should've known better. The ghost of what's passed wouldn't let go of it, holding my in a iron grip. It reappears in different forms, dogging my every move. To be toyed around with, be played as though I'm a game, there's nothing more sickening than the thought that the mastermind behind all this could very well be those you trust you life upon.

Sometimes, you just connect with people you've just met. Despite the fact that you've only known them for months, feels like they've been there for you your entire life. In stark contrast, those you've believed in, trust with your life, may very well be those alienating you the most. Just goes to show, nobody every really shows their true face, the world we live in is nothing more than an illusion, or even delusion. Trust means nothing in the face of mistrust.

If this truly was nothing more than a farce, I commend your level of acting which has made it all the more believable, the bastard protagonist of the play, as it he continues to blantly shove lies into the the deceived. To feed him what he wants to hear.

Poisoned thoughts, wanting no more than a death, its death.

Why?

There's nothing left in this soul worth taking, it has already taken everything, the world from me.

An Insignificant Existence

Tears trickles down his bloodshot eyes..

See past the illusion, into the gut-wrenching sight that is the reality we live in.

A cry for help, muffled out as it is smothered to death.

A shallow gasp for air as life is beat out of the body.

The days pass agonizingly slow.

The world rushes by, people come and go, and I'm left, forgotten.

I can't believe I had felt relief. When it was blantly an imitation.

It wasn't a very convincing argument. The flaws in your words stick out like black against white.
Dead inside, I feel motivated to do work. -_-

Pain Is Just A Simple Compromise

Pictures frozen, she's closed the book..

To be alive, yet devoid of a soul.
To be happy, yet torn apart inside.
To be in one piece, yet in shambles.
To be thankful, yet wanting.
To be faithful, yet plagued with doubt.
To be loyal, yet tainted with treachery.
To see, to believe, to love, and to hate.

I hate rumours. Some people should stop sticking their noses where it doesn't belong, just because they think they're oh so popular when all they ever do is impose on other people, fabricating lies, instilling hatred and driving a wedge between others.

It's no point, when consequences, impact, effects, all spiral outta control. To be overcomed by the fear, a puzzling sensation. To lie, deceit, blame, spiral into the darkest regions of despair when the light is slowly slipping away from your grasp.

Love, the strongest of all human emotions. One that drives a person to go all out, beyond one's limitations. To push oneself to the very limit, all for the people that one loves most. To put the needs of loved ones beyond yourself. To be propelled by desire.. virtuous ones, a yearning for something greater.

But alas, it's also the emotion that's the easiest to taint. The driving force behind it can be rendered unstable at times, leaving it susceptible to malicious intent.

To sit alone, wondering just what might that someone be up to. When your day just doesn't feel complete unless you're able to see or talk to that someone.

It's the little things in life that really matters in the end. Not glory, not fame, not money, but just to have the people you love and adore around you, supporting you in every aspect in your life. To know they're there by your side, it's an emotional lust that's greater than any materialistic gift can ever satisfy.

Maybe it's just me and my awkward timing.
But this I know, the next week is gonna be a rough one.

My posts are sitting on a mere average at best. I need to find some way to buff up my English. Like seriously.

Persuasion

The thread snaps. No matter how much effort is put in, there's absolutely no way that it'll ever be the same, there is absolute a nil chance that things will go on as though nothing has passed. Once you break something, it's futile to try to mend it back to how it was before, whole. Scattered pieces, fragmentations, they can be glued together, but it's merely a way to hold it in place. You cannot change the fact that it's merely a broken soul masquerading as a whole one.

Thoughts stringed together, fabricating a reality that I wish to live in, I had hoped as much. Slowly, the frame that holds everything together begins to crack again. What a pity, it seems I'll never find true peace of mind.

Words, I wanted to hear. The thought that it was merely a farce still lingers in the deepest regions of my mind, waiting to take control of whatever's left of me that remains sane.

A well coordinated response, targeting each and every one of my soft spots. To hit where it hurts most, the exposed and vulnerable links between thoughts, struck time and time again until it broke, when what's left is rendered helpless as the mind is now easily shaped into believing the conspiracy that lies before me.

Doodle #2

Was going to write a full length post about my delusions but somehow I just lost that spark of "oomph" needed. So yeah, got snapped outta my trance and here I am, writing incoherent nonsense. Ah well, time to kick it up a notch, it's time to finish up my Bio.

Doodle #1

I'm getting tired of stoning around in the library every Tuesday and Thursday morning, but thankfully it gives me time to catch up on assignments. Which I'm supposed to be doing right now. Finally done with Phy and about half my my part in Bio, killer task.

If you wish it that way, that's exactly what I'll do. I will, smile today.

I guess I can only write whenever it comes to "deep thoughts" posts. I screw up horribly with normal essay writing and descriptive and whatever not. Bleh. My English is deteriorating. Fast.

On a side note, I'm getting really sleepy. ):

The Power Of Words

Words. They are spoken in various languages all over the world, but their purpose remains the same, tools used for communication, miscommunication, discommunication. Put simply, they're manifestations of a person's thoughts. Turning abstract into concrete, illusion into reality.





One of the most powerful weapons, more effective than both the blade and the gun, the impact of words strike the deepest depth of the soul. Words can be used to ruse, lie, deceive, mislead, sway, and convince. Words can be conveyed in such to cover a trail, to lay a smokescreen, to buy oneself some time.

To put your thoughts on paper, to channel them out by the means of constructing coherent sentences. To be able to voice out your opinions, to be heard, is that so hard? Yet, no matter how much I try, my voice is drowned out by the endless chatter around me, rendered insignificant as the overflow of ideas. To be rooted to the spot, unable to move or speak no matter how desperately I want to. I open my mouth to speak, yet words fail me. To be stuck in silence, as it haunts me through each passing day.

To speak in quotes, to only be understood by one who shares your ideas and thoughts, to have somewhat of a "secret code" among friends, one of the truly blessed joys of words. Nothing beats that feeling when you're struck by inspiration or a certain event and you look over to your friend and yell out a certain word and he or she looks back at you, let everything sink in, then burst out laughing (: Yeap! This kind of applies to my bestie, you know who you are (:

In the end, words are just what they are, merely words. Tools, the key to deception, manipulation, distraught, maleficence. A fragile string, a thread, that can never truly reconnect one it has snapped. Another wave of denial strikes, the calm is slowly slipping away. The darkness beckons, arms outstretched, as I embrace it wholeheartedly.

Words and actions conflict, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.

Contradictions

Within every truth, lies deception.
Within every trust, lies doubt.
Within every pleasure, lies pain.
Within every hope, lies despair.
Within every heart, lies suffering.
Within every love, lies hate.
Within every friend, lies an enemy.
Within every reality, lies delusions.
Within every glory, lies shame.
Within every happiness, lies trails of sadness.
Within every risk, lies rewards.
Within every future, lies a past.
Within every past, lies a future.

Ripples of uncertainty forming amidst a sea of calm. The line between the illusion and my fabricated reality are starting to blur again.

The people around are the only ones who help me make sense of the chaos.

It's You I See

Tick, tick, tick, the constant tick by the clock was the only sound made in the otherwise quiet room. Time was slipping away, yet everything remained the same. I looked out my window, into the horizon. A new day begins, the sky remained a vivid strawberry pink (:

It's Sunday again, which means tomorrow's a Monday. Best of all I'll be missing the BIGGEST match every 4 years of all time! Yeah, I ain't staying up to watch the FIFA World Cup Finals between Holland and Spain. But I'll be rooting for Holland.. while sleeping comfortably on my bed :) Well, what can I do? I gotta get up early tomorrow and drive my way to college. I would definitely stay up if I wasn't the one driving, but alas, these things happen. Not that I really care that much, my FIFA spirit kinda died after Germany lost to Spain, the one day I tried staying to till 2.30 to watch their match. Sigh :(

Yesterday was Parents Lecturers Day for AusMat. Can't say exactly that I dreaded that day but neither can I say I was looking forward to it. Guess I'm more of being at a neutral standpoint. Upon arriving at college, looked for any sign of the day's events, in a literal manner. Needed to find signs which pointed us in the right direction. Headed over to registration at SW4-4 where we got our numbers for the respective lecturers. Then, we left for 4-3 to find Mr. Oliver, my EALD lecturer. Got some comments bout my work and behaviour, both quite good though it was quite unexpected that I'd be seen that way (: Next was Bio and Chem, more comments on my work, lacked practice, which I wholeheartedly agree with.

I feel motivated to procrastinate more study now! Who's with me?!

The Star Media Hub Field Trip

Life has returned to its original course, hopefully it'll be a smooth one this time.

Couple of days back.. The whole Career Exploration Week for the AusMat program begun. The first day was rather uneventful so I'll just skip to the second day, which was yesterday. It was the field trips and me and the others have signed up for a trip to TheStar Media Hub in Shah Alam.

Left for college round 10.30 to join Itianne and Gazi. T'was actually quite early as our trip was only scheduled to start at 1.30pm. Saw them playing some Spongebob game which was actually quite fun. What a way to relive your childhood days. You know those games you used to get in the 100 in 1 game cartridges on the GBA, otherwise known as the GameBoyAdvance. The one in which you guide a character over a maze of ladders over several different lvls trying to step on hamburger ingredients to make em fall down to the base while avoiding the enemies. Well, not exactly a vivid description but that's the best I can manage. Itianne reached lvl3, I reached 5 and Amanda took it all the way to like 10+++ OMG! So yeah we dawdled in the library quite a bit. Then me and Amanda took some IQ test in which Itianne described it more of a race "Omgosh they're answering at the same speed, neck and neck" LMAO. Yeah. Woots! Scored higher than Amanda. HAH IN YOUR FACE LOL

So we found Jo Keat at the SC (predictably enough) and gathered at the foyer. Somehow we dawdled a lil.. too much. 10 mins late :( In the end the trip left about 20 mins late as a result from sorting out attendance (not just us okay, stop putting the blame on us). Whee, first time I've been on a bus since I stopped taking it to college sometime mid-March. Slept the whole way there.

When we got there, we were told to wait for a while. I have no idea why so we killed some time the way how normal sane people do. Gather up, find a place to gather and sit..

Then played some Tribal Hand Clapping Game! Yeap, don't even ask for the details :D

So after what seemed like a day an hour, we finally made our way in. Went into some meeting room where we were briefed on the tour and were divided into 3 groups. Sadly, our tour was horribly mistimed as none of the machinery was on at the moment and there were no employees since manufacturing doesn't really go on in the afternoon. We weren't allowed to take pictures too as being in the media, they were pretty sensitive about security. The constant security guard following us proved as much.

Walked around, alot, got to see heavy machinery in action, got to experience the life of a TheStar employee for a day. Blinking lights, security alarms, printing towers, a warehouse of paper, yeah. It was quite the letdown to not be able to see the machine in action. However, they did have AWESOME CURRYPUFF! :D Now I have this fleeting desire to eat the local delight :D

Slept throughout the trip back to college. Seriously worn out. But once we got there, ran into Kelz, Watson, Prem, Jing, and Steven. Deliberated awhile on whether to go Pyramid anot

which we did. Went for pool with Itianne, Amanda, Gazi, Steven, Kelz :D

Yeah, good day :)

Walk Away

Seconds pass, bits and pieces of what remained of my sanity flashed past. A blurry whirl of images. To be paranoid, is to be untrustworthy. To shove everything, all the blame onto the shoulder's of others is nothing more than cowardice, a refusal to accept that one is inferior, useless to everyone around oneself. What have I done?

Reality snaps back, no longer am I caught amidst hatred, vengeance. All that's left of me now is humiliation, shock, a sense of utter betrayal of one's dear friend. I'm not worthy of forgiveness. No. I was too easily swayed, a fragile disposition. Everything fit, a little too perfectly. The fact that someone shared my opinion cemented my thoughts. I was firm in my stand, disregarding the sense of trust I once had. Truly, I am a joke. Always have been, always will be. Since that day 2 years back, I've lost everything that meant anything to me.

How exactly does one disappear from this world without causing too much fuss afterward. Some people have said true peace comes in death, and yet I'm a coward for not being able to face the pain that comes with it. Sadly, there's no actual painless way to go.

It was MY fault in the end.

The silence has taken it's toll. I've gone insane.

I cannot ask that you forgive me, only that you forget me.
-FFX-2

Forget All Our Broken Promises

Lyrics spam!

In the end, I'll blend in with the shade I've been.
Lean on me, the only other choice was falling down.
You're my favourite mistake.

Life has left his eyes, he wanders about aimlessly and without a purpose in life. His body clings on to life. However, he's merely an empty shell, doomed and destined to be forgotten. Cast aside and abandoned by everyone he has once trusted.

Idling in each day as they come and go at an agonizingly slow pace. The seconds tick by, unnerving as body desperately tries to reconnect with mind and soul. It feels so cliche now, everyday passes by feeling more like a chore, a routine, that I'm forced to endure. I no longer see the joy in the once enjoyable and amorous daily happenings.

Metaphors, the only way I seem to be able to speak of these things. Never getting to the point, I spend ages dwelling on circling the issue at hand, merely dropping hints but never the truth.

Entranced by everything going around me, my world revolved around one person. To draw my full attention, till the point I was oblivious to everything else going on around me. Sometimes I wonder, maybe I was doomed from the start. The fall remains the very hardest part of it, guess you could say I took the worst possible way to fall.

I don't think there's any other way out of this. Someone has to give, sadly enough I think that'll be me. I guess when I thought I had hit rock bottom before, I couldn't possibly sink any lower. Well.. I stand correctly, I've just sunk lower than my lowest point in life. What used to be simple but effective distractions failed me when I needed them most. Feels like I'm imposing on everyone's lives. Sometimes I wonder whether life for everyone would truly be better in my absence, or rather, if I had ever existed in the first place.

Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one to build me up then tear me down, like an old abandoned house. ~ Daughtry. How relateable.

I love you but this is as far as I can go. If only you knew.

What If

Why is it then when every single time I want to just sit down, and start writing some stupid emo post I get pestered to help a friend out with something which then just jolts me out of my emo trance which in turn hinders my ability to rant on about retarded events in my life in which I twist and turn in circles as to never ever reach the point?

Reaching where I am today, it felt as though it's been a very long day. Moments of laughter, moments of sadness, and everything in between. Imprinted in my memory, only to be replayed over and over again as I succumb to the silence. A never-ending cycle, one that I'm hopelessly entangled in. The only way out of the pain, is through it. After all, short-term pain is better than dragging it on and on. In short, it's severing a severely injured limb. It feels as though the sun is setting, in the pink strawberry sky. Next, a long night of darkness. Until a new day begins, the night will never end.

Strange, so this is what it feels to be dead inside. It feels as though I've been reacquainted with a long lost friend. Feels as though I'm back where I belong. After all, I'm nothing but second best. Always have been, and it seems, always will be. Funny how I couldn't even recognise a friend of mine till he snapped his fingers at me and said "You look half dead". Yeah, I probably am.

I'm not superhuman, I'm just who I am. I try my best but that's all I can do.

True, I've wondered time and time again.
What if I had stuck with my initial choice back then?
What if I had chosen to study somewhere else?
What if I stood by my choice to study in a different course?
What if I had gotten that 6 year head start?
What if I had never sat in front of you that day?
What if I never bothered to care?

Life's full of what if's, but that's all they are. Questions without answers. You can never tell how life will play out, you just live it as it comes. Life doesn't come with a reset button. You can't just Save Game and Reload it at a later time had you made a wrong choice in life. You can't just slam the L1 + L2 + R1 + R2 + START + SELECT buttons to start all over again. No, you just gotta pick yourself up, and move on.

I will. End. Today. Without. A. Single. Happy. Thought. In. This. Dead. Conscience. Of. Mine.

Life has it's ups and downs, I'm caught in it's wake, miracles happen for those who believe in em, every second that passed was cherished, I'll continue living this life although nothing will ever be the same without you.

Exasperation

Sometimes, silence is bliss. Other times, silence is haunting. I can't tell which is better. I've always hated how I'm given so much time to think and reflect on everything when I have nothing to do. (homework? what homework?) So yeah, here I am.. yet again.

I guess I'm just very easily distracted. Maybe I was just trying to be protective.

Autumn

That odd fuzzy feeling you get. When you feel your blood rushing around your body, your heartbeat speeds up. Your mind gets all blurry as your nerves sends a flurry of impulses all over your brain. Okay, maybe I'm making it sound a little overdramatic but you get the picture. The sight of that someone gets you all fidgety inside.

Sometimes I just wanna shout it out over and over again, I love that feeling. :)

But at times, I can't help but get the feeling that all this isn't enough, but that's just me. Still have 4 months to go. Ain't really that long though.. Sigh.

Boy oh boy I love referring to that thing as him as it.

Dagger's Hilt

It's been 2 days, somehow I managed to keep it up. Nothing'll change this hatred. After all, it was it who drove the dagger deep into my back, twisting it, deepening the wound. It was the one who turned my skies an ominous grey, as droplets of rain pound against my very sanity, hacking away bit by bit.

No, I will NEVER forgive it, let alone forget this pain.

Okay, I suppose it's time we all returned to reality. Finally got back my dreaded results for EE. After Phy's abysmal 58% I really wasn't looking forward to the other papers. But after I had gotten everything back and analyzed each.. Turns out it wasn't SO bad after all. Only 2 subjects were below 80, that.. is an achievement, in it's own way. After I stopped comparing myself to everybody else in class and just looked at it as just being my own personal scores, I realised something. I don't need to be chasing people around. I just need to push myself to hit that target, achieve that goal, then I'll feel content nonetheless. Then again, a lil healthy competition among friends won't hurt. :)

EE down, now to get Sem1 Results. All the better :)

A Renewed Desire

The lights flicker, the shrill of the alarm fills the air. I could only manage a sigh as I awoke to the end of my holidays. It's been two whole weeks since the start of was a rather uneventful and lackluster break. Yeah true, there have been several outings throughout these fourteen days, and by that I mean only 3. And only 2 were truly unjoyable. Which would be 2 outta 14 days, summed up to 1 in 7 which is a meager 14.3% of the holidays were genuinely fun.

Nevertheless, I picked myself up against the want to just collapse in bed and go back to sleep. Oh well, every good must come to an end, the same way every hello ends with goodbye. Got ready and went to pick Ash up. Drove over to Taylor's to drop him off before heading back to Sunway. For once, I actually noticed someone I know on the road at the summit jam, Edwin. Which would make this the fourth consecutive day I've ran into him. Small world, I guess.

So yeah, back to my ranting. Yesterday, met up with a few Taylor-ians for lunch as well as a shopping trip. Went to pick Lillian up from her place first, at 11. Reached the general area of Taylor's within.. 15 minutes. So we had like.. 45 minutes to kill as we waited for their break. So we, or rather I, drove around around for a solid 30 minutes finding parking as well as surveying the place. Gawd, it was hellish to find parking at the time, although with a tiny stroke of luck, manage to secure a place, somewhere at the other end of the shoplots. Us on one end, Taylor's on the other. Which would amount to about.. 3 blocks of walking? Yeah, I never knew the place was THAT big until yesterday. Took us about 10+ minutes just to walk to the other end. Which leaves us with.. another 10 or so minutes to just stone and wait for them to get off. Managed to spot a few ex-schoolmates from high school.

After what seemed like.. a very long time, finally spotted Jon coming out. A few minutes later, we were joined by Aly, Kareshma and Krystle. Went over to Jojo's Little Kitchen for lunch. They had some pretty nice Pan Mee there. Then again, they served mostly Pan Mee. After that, went over to Baskin Robbins. Yeap! Finally getting that ice cream. *cue evil laugh* Thanks again Lil :P

*ring* And class just got canceled, for the Taylor-ians. (Whoops, this is between lunch and ice cream) So everyone headed down to Empire Shopping Gallery. We were joined by Joel. Whee, driving into the unknown, what a joy! There's a first for everything, how true indeed. Did a lil shopping myself, then again I was the one who suggested going down there :P

Woots! Muse DVD for only Rm20! :D :D :D

Back to reality, how I just ADORE sitting in the library for hours and hours and hours having.. well.. the same library routine I guess. Find the same spot, sign in Facebook, check up on mail, check to see updates and announcements on BB regarding homework *cross fingers, please have none*, go to miscellaneous sites, failbook, failblog, the last stand 2, world's hardest game, the impossible quiz, blablablabla.. you know lah. Anyways, I suppose it's time to start rotting again.

And pics from that day.. My phone's kinda messed up, so I doubt I'll get any uploaded.

I hope this semester starts on a good note. I'm counting heavily on it.