Thought of the day : There's a fine line between being confident and being conceited.
I can't really figure it out. Maybe it was the song playing from my iPhone through my headset into my ears. Maybe it was just the rain today which has been relentlessly pouring since the break of dawn (mind you, it's 9.45pm right now) which somewhat reflected my inner turmoil. Maybe it was just that soothing feeling you get staring out the window of your car. Or perhaps it was an odd yet conforming mixture of the three.
But I realized something.
Throughout my life, I've been doing nothing but complain. I'd rant for hours on end about how much my life is a miserable wreck. I can't deny that I truly felt that my nonsensical jabbering was justified. I'd contemplate how unbearable it is to keep on living through each day as if they were hell on earth. Every waking moment ached with agony as pain pulsed through my veins. With the benefit of hindsight, maybe it wasn't my life that needed fixing, maybe it was me that needed to be fixed.
Every experience is but another opportunity to learn and better yourself. Three years back, I was but a white sheet of paper, so to speak. Unaware and devoid of all the harsh realities that life was. I believed the very best in everyone, till I was proven wrong. One wrong turn and I was so self absorbed in my misery. I had thought I had fallen to the lowest point in my insignificant life. Compared to what transpired last year, that was but a cakewalk. I was so obsessed with self pity I failed to notice everything else I had. Family, friends, people who actually do care what I do and what I think. I disregarded them, so convinced that I'd never be able to see the light of day again.
Yet, here I am today, three years on. My heart still beats and my lungs still breathe. I had lived through a prelude of what's to come. Two years later, a year back, was the true test of my resolve. Those who know me should have seen both the best and worst sides of me and the stark contrast between the two. I had gotten friends worried way more than once and unjustifiably hurt some of them in my blind rage. In a way, I experienced what one of my friends had only a year before that. I've seen what it could do to even the best of friends, I knew very well what would transpire if I didn't back off. I guess my infamous stubbornness got the better of me and I refused to budge.
During the short journey home today, I tried to reflect back on my past. There's no use in living in the past because it's all passed. I tried to figure out how I managed to reconcile the first rupture. It took a year to devastate everything and a year to resolve the problem and put everything back into place. Time played a role. Call me melancholic but I believe that how long it takes for it to break, it'd take equally as long to heal. Effectively, that will place this one a month from now, when I begin a new chapter in my life. Coincidence? Maybe. But everything in life happens for a reason.
True, I wasn't born into this world with a silver spoon in my mouth. I can't afford to flail my cash around like some people. Everything I have, or want to have, I need to earn with my own effort.
In that one moment, I managed to crack a smile. One from the heart and not just for show.
Life lesson of the day?
No matter how deep you may seem to have sunk. No matter how bleak your life looks. No matter who you lose. Never lose hope. Because after every storm, there'll be a rainbow. You can get self-centred all you want and focus on everything depressing in your life but always remember, you're not the one who has it the worst.
Because in life, you can bitch about it all you want, or pick up the pieces and move on.
You may think it's the lowest point in your life now, but there'll be one in the future that trumps over everything. Be thankful for what you already have.
Coughbrainscough :)
Friends.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Four
As with my previous nonsensical tirades, Saturdays (and most holidays) are nothing but a tiring and mundane conundrum. Today was not one of those days, on most parts.
I don't think I ever wrote about this but some time ago I had watched Paranormal Activity at Jon's place. If I recall correctly, it was with Ash, Samuel and.. King Yang? Memory's a fuzzy haze (cliche' much?).
If you're wondering why I mentioned that, well I'm about to quell whatever doubt that may still be lingering in your minds.
I watched Paranormal Activity 2 today. If I go into the movie and whatnot, I'd probably be blamed for revealing spoilers and stuff. Now.. As intriguing as that may sound and appeal to me, I do not wish to do so. So I'll tell you this. The second movie is a prequel to the first and also finishes up where the first one left off. So in a way, the first movie plays out simultaneously during the near end of this movie.
As with the first, it started out really slow. It got super creepy and intense towards the end. I think I still have shivers just trying to recall the whole plot. Oh give me a break, I was never known for my valor and courage. In short, I'm a wuss. Lololol.
Creepy. REALLY CREEPY. Urgh.
Guess that's about it. Green Hornet tomorrow with Beng Way and a few other friends. Looking forward to it. :)
The four of us, we used to strut the hallways high and mighty. Now.. Look how far we've fallen. Do you still remember? I know I do. On second thought, do those without hearts possess memories?
I don't think I ever wrote about this but some time ago I had watched Paranormal Activity at Jon's place. If I recall correctly, it was with Ash, Samuel and.. King Yang? Memory's a fuzzy haze (cliche' much?).
If you're wondering why I mentioned that, well I'm about to quell whatever doubt that may still be lingering in your minds.
I watched Paranormal Activity 2 today. If I go into the movie and whatnot, I'd probably be blamed for revealing spoilers and stuff. Now.. As intriguing as that may sound and appeal to me, I do not wish to do so. So I'll tell you this. The second movie is a prequel to the first and also finishes up where the first one left off. So in a way, the first movie plays out simultaneously during the near end of this movie.
As with the first, it started out really slow. It got super creepy and intense towards the end. I think I still have shivers just trying to recall the whole plot. Oh give me a break, I was never known for my valor and courage. In short, I'm a wuss. Lololol.
Creepy. REALLY CREEPY. Urgh.
Guess that's about it. Green Hornet tomorrow with Beng Way and a few other friends. Looking forward to it. :)
The four of us, we used to strut the hallways high and mighty. Now.. Look how far we've fallen. Do you still remember? I know I do. On second thought, do those without hearts possess memories?
Friday, January 28, 2011
One
Excitement mounts. The faces are reflected on the stainless steel round surface. Seated around their usual table, they knew very well what was coming, what they had to face very soon. Without a doubt, I had the same fears as each and every one of them. Papers flipped, scribblings that were hastily jotted down skimmed through for every shred of information.
You can never have too much of a good thing. We were all firm believers, and no moment was too late to cram in any and every possible fact we might be able to utilize in our favour. No doubt we were all very aware of the consequences that lay beyond that day should we had shreds of doubt and fear within us. We looked to each other, gave one another the routine pat on the back and headed off.
Amidst the fortitude, a minor and rather insignificant occurrence piqued my interest. They laughed it off, I merely scoffed at it. Seconds later, I had the same. Yet..
I bowed silently in acknowledgment. I couldn't blatantly disregard visual evidence. After all, seeing is believing. I had always been second best, I just never knew.
I had prepared well for this obstacle, knowing that come whatever may, I'd be able to handle.
Little did I know of the larger more impossible hurdle that lay underneath the well planned scene.
You can never have too much of a good thing. We were all firm believers, and no moment was too late to cram in any and every possible fact we might be able to utilize in our favour. No doubt we were all very aware of the consequences that lay beyond that day should we had shreds of doubt and fear within us. We looked to each other, gave one another the routine pat on the back and headed off.
Amidst the fortitude, a minor and rather insignificant occurrence piqued my interest. They laughed it off, I merely scoffed at it. Seconds later, I had the same. Yet..
I bowed silently in acknowledgment. I couldn't blatantly disregard visual evidence. After all, seeing is believing. I had always been second best, I just never knew.
I had prepared well for this obstacle, knowing that come whatever may, I'd be able to handle.
Little did I know of the larger more impossible hurdle that lay underneath the well planned scene.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Leaving
How many times have I said that I had a certain disdain for holidays?
Not enough apparently.
The long break's starting to take its toll on me, all over again.
My confidence starts to waver yet again.
Five.
Not enough apparently.
The long break's starting to take its toll on me, all over again.
My confidence starts to waver yet again.
Five.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Horizon
After what felt like an eternity, I'm finally here. I've finally ventured beyond that long and dark tunnel. Only to come across a fork in the road. Two paths now lay at my feet, and only I can make the decision on which do I take.
On one side, a shorter path, one that I have once tried to walk only to be faced with disappointment. Now it's open its doors for me again. Do I jump at the opportunity before the window closes yet again? 2 years down this road, there is a miniscule chance another door may open. A chance for me to open up my eyes, and travel.
On the other, a path in which its direction is still unknown. It would still take several months before I am able to set foot on it. Time which I simply cannot afford to waste. However, if I do make the cut, that's 2 years in a foreign land. A chance to explore the world and experience life from a whole new perspective.
I apologize for my rudimentary standard of writing. I lack the proper drive.
Now, I weigh in everything. This is not just a choice that affects me in the short term, but one that'll shape my life in the long run. In a way, I've already decided what I have to do. I just need more reassurance and advice.
To the one who has helped me so, you have my sincerest gratitude. Thank you.
On one side, a shorter path, one that I have once tried to walk only to be faced with disappointment. Now it's open its doors for me again. Do I jump at the opportunity before the window closes yet again? 2 years down this road, there is a miniscule chance another door may open. A chance for me to open up my eyes, and travel.
On the other, a path in which its direction is still unknown. It would still take several months before I am able to set foot on it. Time which I simply cannot afford to waste. However, if I do make the cut, that's 2 years in a foreign land. A chance to explore the world and experience life from a whole new perspective.
I apologize for my rudimentary standard of writing. I lack the proper drive.
Now, I weigh in everything. This is not just a choice that affects me in the short term, but one that'll shape my life in the long run. In a way, I've already decided what I have to do. I just need more reassurance and advice.
To the one who has helped me so, you have my sincerest gratitude. Thank you.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
By Chance
Thought of the day : Now we both have seperate lives and lovers.
Funny how if this was me barely a week ago, I'd already have spiraled into a whirlpool of rage and pure darkness. It's perplexing at how one's view on life can change in a flash and all it takes is a little initiative.
In a way, it felt like one of those fight or flee situations, where you felt your adrenaline soar. I had the bliss of not knowing until the very final moment where I no longer had to stay in my place. Remarkably, a few seconds of realization was all it took to open up the crevasse of long forgotten emotion. Emotions back from a point in my life whereby it was the highest yet at the very same time, the lowest. I was happy but in truth, that was a mere illusion, a sense of false happiness. Happiness lies not in knowing that everything's going your way, but in knowing that whatever may come, you have the strength to overcome it. No, this is far from me trying to act all depressed bout it, it felt more like relief. I just know now where exactly my inner self stands.
Ironically enough, there was a time a month ago I thought I encountered the same situation. Back then, I just went black. And blank. Such a stark contrast.
Feels like I've come a long way in a matter of days. I'm almost pass a hurdle months in the making.
I apologize for leaving without a word. But I'm not ready yet. Soon maybe. But when the time comes, I'll be there with open arms.
Maybe, against all reason I've put this behind knowing that my time is yet to come. Which brings to mind the other issue, one I lack neither the strength nor logic to even contemplate a change in my perception. Nobody likes a living contradiction. (:
Heading off to the gym now, dang my muscles still hurt. :O
Funny how if this was me barely a week ago, I'd already have spiraled into a whirlpool of rage and pure darkness. It's perplexing at how one's view on life can change in a flash and all it takes is a little initiative.
In a way, it felt like one of those fight or flee situations, where you felt your adrenaline soar. I had the bliss of not knowing until the very final moment where I no longer had to stay in my place. Remarkably, a few seconds of realization was all it took to open up the crevasse of long forgotten emotion. Emotions back from a point in my life whereby it was the highest yet at the very same time, the lowest. I was happy but in truth, that was a mere illusion, a sense of false happiness. Happiness lies not in knowing that everything's going your way, but in knowing that whatever may come, you have the strength to overcome it. No, this is far from me trying to act all depressed bout it, it felt more like relief. I just know now where exactly my inner self stands.
Ironically enough, there was a time a month ago I thought I encountered the same situation. Back then, I just went black. And blank. Such a stark contrast.
Feels like I've come a long way in a matter of days. I'm almost pass a hurdle months in the making.
I apologize for leaving without a word. But I'm not ready yet. Soon maybe. But when the time comes, I'll be there with open arms.
Maybe, against all reason I've put this behind knowing that my time is yet to come. Which brings to mind the other issue, one I lack neither the strength nor logic to even contemplate a change in my perception. Nobody likes a living contradiction. (:
Heading off to the gym now, dang my muscles still hurt. :O
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Back Ups
Thought of the day : A chip on his shoulder, but there's no use crying over split milk.
"Always have up to a Plan D. Never expect Plan A to go off without a hitch." - Adam Savage.
We've all been through disappointments at least once in our ever so mundane lives. Be it the sudden shock of rejection or just a simple choice gone wrong, we go through it on a daily bases. If you think that your live is perfect and completely devoid of such dissatisfaction, I strongly suggest you reevaluate yourself. Cause nothing is ever really perfect no matter how ideal or faultless a situation may seem. If you still think so, you probably have a wolf in sheep's clothing hanging around you, people who lie through their teeth knowing they have your complete trust.
As a person who has completed his pre university year, you'd expect me to be fully aware of my direction and calling by now. You'd be mistaken cause I am completely clueless and oblivious towards any possible way. At this point in time, I've already missed the boat for every single February intake course out there. That's a lot of doors being slammed in my face. Right now it's a race against the clock as I fervently set back back up plans. It's a shame really, to have my primary course of action just derail like that.
Despite coming off as your average run of the mill person with a devil may care attitude when it comes to studies, I put a considerable amount of effort and attention into trying to make sure things went right, by my standard. I had gotten started way before most of my peers, about 6 months in advance to make sure my existence was known. I followed up adequately, adhering to proper procedures as I had gotten a phone call as a reminder. Yes, they actually called me up then and there and prompted me in a rather exasperated tone saying "Hello? You submitted your form right? How you expect us to do anything without your proper documents?? You still haven't gave us your SPM and IC". It was proof enough that I had done everything right so far. Certainly, I immediately responded and played my part then.
Months came and went and my performance was mediocre, above average at best. Yet, I pressed on, knowing that the true hurdle was yet to come. Sure enough, having lived through it, I had exceeded all my own expectations, let alone those that my peers had of me. I was back in the ballgame. Without a second thought, I hurriedly gathered the remaining items of importance needed to complete whatever I needed to complete. It was the sole item left on my checklist unaccounted for.
After the dust has settled, I am left here without direction. To see everyone pursue their dreams while I'm at a standstill really piques me. However, every impediment is but a new opportunity to learn and improve. To be contacted personally, I thank her for her compassion towards my predicament. It's heartwarming to know that despite all odds against my favour, I don't have to give up hope.
In the wake of the initial shock, I reevaluated the true driving force behind my resolve to keep myself on track. Maybe it was the prestige. A chance to live up to what was expected of me, to do my family proud. The notion of being respected tugged at my sentiments. Along with that came trust. A belief that this was the perfect option for me with nothing but success after all my endeavors. Then again, it could have just been the comfort and familiarity. To travel down a path trodden by many before me, a wellspring of knowledge and advice.
If this is my cloud, I shall look for my silver lining.
Bear in mind that I'm only voicing out my personal opinion. I'm not trying to pass the buck and dodge responsibility. Responsibility can't be placed individually, but as a whole. Loopholes were left and nobody realized them soon enough to plug them up. All I can do now is keep my chin up and hope for a miracle. Because nobody really knows what tomorrow brings.
Somehow, this particular setback has renewed my confidence. I have my friends to thank for that. Apart from that, any thoughts on Nutrition and Dietetics? I may really have to change my mindset and pathway if I get shook off yet again.
"Always have up to a Plan D. Never expect Plan A to go off without a hitch." - Adam Savage.
We've all been through disappointments at least once in our ever so mundane lives. Be it the sudden shock of rejection or just a simple choice gone wrong, we go through it on a daily bases. If you think that your live is perfect and completely devoid of such dissatisfaction, I strongly suggest you reevaluate yourself. Cause nothing is ever really perfect no matter how ideal or faultless a situation may seem. If you still think so, you probably have a wolf in sheep's clothing hanging around you, people who lie through their teeth knowing they have your complete trust.
As a person who has completed his pre university year, you'd expect me to be fully aware of my direction and calling by now. You'd be mistaken cause I am completely clueless and oblivious towards any possible way. At this point in time, I've already missed the boat for every single February intake course out there. That's a lot of doors being slammed in my face. Right now it's a race against the clock as I fervently set back back up plans. It's a shame really, to have my primary course of action just derail like that.
Despite coming off as your average run of the mill person with a devil may care attitude when it comes to studies, I put a considerable amount of effort and attention into trying to make sure things went right, by my standard. I had gotten started way before most of my peers, about 6 months in advance to make sure my existence was known. I followed up adequately, adhering to proper procedures as I had gotten a phone call as a reminder. Yes, they actually called me up then and there and prompted me in a rather exasperated tone saying "Hello? You submitted your form right? How you expect us to do anything without your proper documents?? You still haven't gave us your SPM and IC". It was proof enough that I had done everything right so far. Certainly, I immediately responded and played my part then.
Months came and went and my performance was mediocre, above average at best. Yet, I pressed on, knowing that the true hurdle was yet to come. Sure enough, having lived through it, I had exceeded all my own expectations, let alone those that my peers had of me. I was back in the ballgame. Without a second thought, I hurriedly gathered the remaining items of importance needed to complete whatever I needed to complete. It was the sole item left on my checklist unaccounted for.
After the dust has settled, I am left here without direction. To see everyone pursue their dreams while I'm at a standstill really piques me. However, every impediment is but a new opportunity to learn and improve. To be contacted personally, I thank her for her compassion towards my predicament. It's heartwarming to know that despite all odds against my favour, I don't have to give up hope.
In the wake of the initial shock, I reevaluated the true driving force behind my resolve to keep myself on track. Maybe it was the prestige. A chance to live up to what was expected of me, to do my family proud. The notion of being respected tugged at my sentiments. Along with that came trust. A belief that this was the perfect option for me with nothing but success after all my endeavors. Then again, it could have just been the comfort and familiarity. To travel down a path trodden by many before me, a wellspring of knowledge and advice.
If this is my cloud, I shall look for my silver lining.
Bear in mind that I'm only voicing out my personal opinion. I'm not trying to pass the buck and dodge responsibility. Responsibility can't be placed individually, but as a whole. Loopholes were left and nobody realized them soon enough to plug them up. All I can do now is keep my chin up and hope for a miracle. Because nobody really knows what tomorrow brings.
Somehow, this particular setback has renewed my confidence. I have my friends to thank for that. Apart from that, any thoughts on Nutrition and Dietetics? I may really have to change my mindset and pathway if I get shook off yet again.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Pumped Up
Brimming with new found confidence, today shall be the day I look at life from a different perspective.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Standing Here
Thought of the day : This changes nothing. After all, I am but a failure in your eyes.
So today's a public holiday. Great, jolly good then. Which basically means I get to enjoy absolutely nothing but the same old routine. Well, you get the point.
Managed to sell off my Physics text and Graphic Calculator to Sam for his cousin. Spontaneously, later on in the day, someone made a suggestion to go SS15, think it was Sam. So yeah, there we were in his car heading off for AC. Played some random RTSs suggested by Sam and KY to kill time while waiting for Ash. Then it was the usual 3v3 DotA matches since there were 6 of us. WK feeds. :D
Dinner at AC. Dessert at KK McD.
Well, beats staying at home. Or maybe not. Or maybe.
Meh.
It's a notion, somewhat of a nauseous sensation. Sniveling conniver, as though I couldn't see through the carefully chosen words. This does nothing but reinforce my train of thought. Why bother going along with a farce?
I wish I had their confidence. The wait is slowly chipping away at my sanity.
CW, I can't do it.
Know what? Screw it. I'll just be myself. I can't keep trying so hard and being all picky with my words. All it does is turn me into a bundle of nerves. It's time to go about it in a whole 'nother manner. The only way I know how. :)
EDIT : In letting in my cheerful side take lead, I realise how much my way of speech was influenced by that one occurence. Most of it is still missing. But I'm starting to recall.
So today's a public holiday. Great, jolly good then. Which basically means I get to enjoy absolutely nothing but the same old routine. Well, you get the point.
Managed to sell off my Physics text and Graphic Calculator to Sam for his cousin. Spontaneously, later on in the day, someone made a suggestion to go SS15, think it was Sam. So yeah, there we were in his car heading off for AC. Played some random RTSs suggested by Sam and KY to kill time while waiting for Ash. Then it was the usual 3v3 DotA matches since there were 6 of us. WK feeds. :D
Dinner at AC. Dessert at KK McD.
Well, beats staying at home. Or maybe not. Or maybe.
Meh.
It's a notion, somewhat of a nauseous sensation. Sniveling conniver, as though I couldn't see through the carefully chosen words. This does nothing but reinforce my train of thought. Why bother going along with a farce?
I wish I had their confidence. The wait is slowly chipping away at my sanity.
CW, I can't do it.
Know what? Screw it. I'll just be myself. I can't keep trying so hard and being all picky with my words. All it does is turn me into a bundle of nerves. It's time to go about it in a whole 'nother manner. The only way I know how. :)
EDIT : In letting in my cheerful side take lead, I realise how much my way of speech was influenced by that one occurence. Most of it is still missing. But I'm starting to recall.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Of Two Different Worlds
Thought of the day : It's like a truck going boom, ploughing into your problems and effectively mowing them down.
Different views, different perspectives. It's funny how people make it look so easy at times. The only thing they share are their differences. To strike up a proper conversation, is as arduous as it can get, easy as it may sound.
Realist against idealist, pessimist and optimist, sentimental against practicality. It was but a chance encounter, one lead by a a simple spur of a moment's choice. To find common ground in a sea of unfamiliarity is all I ask for. One simple task, am I that incompetent? To strike nothing but failure even amidst the most promising conditions. To snatch victory from the jaws of defeat is probably my most astounding feat.
It beckons, tugging at the long forgotten curiosity within me. It would seem that I'm cursed, or just walking down a trail of bad luck. Whenever I solve a problem, a new one crops up.
Well..
Till this day, I still feel that I never gave it my all. To fall so short of the mark isn't something I'm quite proud of. Some call it vanity, but I beg to differ. I am happy with my achievement, I'm just not satisfied knowing that there's room for improvement. It feels like one of the times where it feels so close yet so far. All it could have took was a word, a phrase, a simple acknowledgment. Yet here I am, waiting still, for that one letter.
The one that'll change my life.
So tell me where we went wrong and show me where we belong. (:
Different views, different perspectives. It's funny how people make it look so easy at times. The only thing they share are their differences. To strike up a proper conversation, is as arduous as it can get, easy as it may sound.
Realist against idealist, pessimist and optimist, sentimental against practicality. It was but a chance encounter, one lead by a a simple spur of a moment's choice. To find common ground in a sea of unfamiliarity is all I ask for. One simple task, am I that incompetent? To strike nothing but failure even amidst the most promising conditions. To snatch victory from the jaws of defeat is probably my most astounding feat.
It beckons, tugging at the long forgotten curiosity within me. It would seem that I'm cursed, or just walking down a trail of bad luck. Whenever I solve a problem, a new one crops up.
Well..
Till this day, I still feel that I never gave it my all. To fall so short of the mark isn't something I'm quite proud of. Some call it vanity, but I beg to differ. I am happy with my achievement, I'm just not satisfied knowing that there's room for improvement. It feels like one of the times where it feels so close yet so far. All it could have took was a word, a phrase, a simple acknowledgment. Yet here I am, waiting still, for that one letter.
The one that'll change my life.
So tell me where we went wrong and show me where we belong. (:
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Because I do
Am I getting desperate? Time isn't on my side.
I s h.
You never know what's missing till you get everything you needed.
Something I recently remembered and found again. :)
I s h.
You never know what's missing till you get everything you needed.
Something I recently remembered and found again. :)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Mistakes
The sun still shines in my world,
Feeble as the light may be,
Swallowed up as darkness sprouts from every crevice,
It wasn't imperceptible,
Telltale signs lay at every corner,
Consumed by ignorance,
They were all overlooked.
It took but a moment to return to those chaotic times,
There I stood,
The embodiment of naivety,
Trust came easily and nonchalantly,
Misplaced and misused,
It wasn't long before things went downhill,
Then began the spiral,
Everything changed.
Days came and went,
Weeks turned to months,
Every waking moment felt false and artificial,
Yet the farce went on,
Neither sides contemplated altering the already routine situation,
A recipe for disaster,
The pupper master kept stringing its puppets along.
I entered the lion's den,
Only to find out amongst those I placed my conviction,
Was a conniver whose aim was nothing but his own gain.
Mistakes are unavoidable,
Some immense, others unnoticeable,
In line with everyday life,
Who hasn't made one?
It takes greater strength to face your inner demons,
To take a less exigent option was the sole thought that lingered,
What was there to do but run?
Run away from the despair and darkness,
Fleeing but never escaping,
Chasing but never catching,
A vague desire that's ever so distant.
Amidst the darkness, a slight glimmer shines through,
Breaking free from its chains,
It wants to shine,
But at what cost?
Sorry, I tried my best. I'm definitely not what I used to be.
Feeble as the light may be,
Swallowed up as darkness sprouts from every crevice,
It wasn't imperceptible,
Telltale signs lay at every corner,
Consumed by ignorance,
They were all overlooked.
It took but a moment to return to those chaotic times,
There I stood,
The embodiment of naivety,
Trust came easily and nonchalantly,
Misplaced and misused,
It wasn't long before things went downhill,
Then began the spiral,
Everything changed.
Days came and went,
Weeks turned to months,
Every waking moment felt false and artificial,
Yet the farce went on,
Neither sides contemplated altering the already routine situation,
A recipe for disaster,
The pupper master kept stringing its puppets along.
I entered the lion's den,
Only to find out amongst those I placed my conviction,
Was a conniver whose aim was nothing but his own gain.
Mistakes are unavoidable,
Some immense, others unnoticeable,
In line with everyday life,
Who hasn't made one?
It takes greater strength to face your inner demons,
To take a less exigent option was the sole thought that lingered,
What was there to do but run?
Run away from the despair and darkness,
Fleeing but never escaping,
Chasing but never catching,
A vague desire that's ever so distant.
Amidst the darkness, a slight glimmer shines through,
Breaking free from its chains,
It wants to shine,
But at what cost?
Sorry, I tried my best. I'm definitely not what I used to be.
No Sense of Direction
I realize how lifeless I am these days. Every morning, I wake up with absolutely no purpose in my life. That's basically what my life revolves around lately, nothing. Nothing at all. Just a cold, pitch black void of darkness? Meh.
On a lighter note, I finally have something to blog about. Yesterday. Lil's 19th birthday get together party. And also a hell lotta nomnomnom. Went all the way to Tenji's at Mont Kiara. Yeah, from KK that is bloody far. To me at least.
Usual routine waiting for Jon at the main road. Aly was like "Why is everyone so red? It's like CNY" cause both Jon and I were in red. Hah. Went to get Lil next. Then, it's all the way to.. 1U first. Well, not the shopping mall, just the general area to pick up Lil's friend, Wei Keen.
Driving to Mont Kiara was rather.. Well, just know that we passed the same toll thrice just because we got lost. Yeah, phailed. :O Bleh. But we did find it eventually.
There was a crowd in front of entrance, we presumed it to be "the line" but we weren't really sure so what we did was walk straight into the place. Turns out yeah, you had to wait outside and pay first before entering, neither of which we did. Well, had some "voucher from .. .. . ." or something of that sort. What mattered was that we got in and found a place.
All I remember was grabbing a whole lotta stuff that I wouldn't normally eat. A lot of raw stuff. I think I can still taste the salmon in my mouth. Kinda wasted a lot too. :(
We're not very good at getting our money's worth at a buffet, I know I'm not.
Grabbed salmon, abalone, salmon sushi, oyster, cod fish, chicken leg, lamb shoulder, and a whole lotta other things. To get some of those items, you had to drop your table number in the bowl they placed in front of each food item. Y'know, kinda like placing an order. Uncoordinated as we were, we stacked around 3 of each item not knowing that some of us already ordered it. Ended up with like.. 3 servings of cod fish and 4 servings of lamb shoulder. Bleh.
Got so stuffed that night.
Played a round of bowling before we all went home. Aly, I demand a rematch.
On a completely unrelated note,
Here comes yet another song! I heard this on one of my older CDs, so I thought I'd post it up. :D
Probably dropping by college again tomorrow. Words can't describe how much I miss that life already.
There was a moment, I really pondered. I know that there's a zero percent possibility that I'll be allowed to raise that question.
I need to start re-reading my posts from the May - July period. Need to buck up my English. It's horrible, my latest posts are so appalling to read. Plus, I need to refresh that desire to loathe within myself.
EDIT : Found some things to be happy for, and others. I miss those times our group would just get together and chat about completely nonsensical gibberish, especially the blurrest one of them all. The one who drew me an umbrella. (heh) Lolwut. I definitely had a higher standard of English back then. It's deteriorated to an abysmal level now.
Maybe deep down, I've always wanted something different.
Damn, I need a new bag. Old one was ruined by some carefree, pretentious.. Hmm.. i can't remember.
On a lighter note, I finally have something to blog about. Yesterday. Lil's 19th birthday get together party. And also a hell lotta nomnomnom. Went all the way to Tenji's at Mont Kiara. Yeah, from KK that is bloody far. To me at least.
Usual routine waiting for Jon at the main road. Aly was like "Why is everyone so red? It's like CNY" cause both Jon and I were in red. Hah. Went to get Lil next. Then, it's all the way to.. 1U first. Well, not the shopping mall, just the general area to pick up Lil's friend, Wei Keen.
Driving to Mont Kiara was rather.. Well, just know that we passed the same toll thrice just because we got lost. Yeah, phailed. :O Bleh. But we did find it eventually.
There was a crowd in front of entrance, we presumed it to be "the line" but we weren't really sure so what we did was walk straight into the place. Turns out yeah, you had to wait outside and pay first before entering, neither of which we did. Well, had some "voucher from .. .. . ." or something of that sort. What mattered was that we got in and found a place.
All I remember was grabbing a whole lotta stuff that I wouldn't normally eat. A lot of raw stuff. I think I can still taste the salmon in my mouth. Kinda wasted a lot too. :(
We're not very good at getting our money's worth at a buffet, I know I'm not.
Grabbed salmon, abalone, salmon sushi, oyster, cod fish, chicken leg, lamb shoulder, and a whole lotta other things. To get some of those items, you had to drop your table number in the bowl they placed in front of each food item. Y'know, kinda like placing an order. Uncoordinated as we were, we stacked around 3 of each item not knowing that some of us already ordered it. Ended up with like.. 3 servings of cod fish and 4 servings of lamb shoulder. Bleh.
Got so stuffed that night.
Played a round of bowling before we all went home. Aly, I demand a rematch.
On a completely unrelated note,
Here comes yet another song! I heard this on one of my older CDs, so I thought I'd post it up. :D
Probably dropping by college again tomorrow. Words can't describe how much I miss that life already.
There was a moment, I really pondered. I know that there's a zero percent possibility that I'll be allowed to raise that question.
I need to start re-reading my posts from the May - July period. Need to buck up my English. It's horrible, my latest posts are so appalling to read. Plus, I need to refresh that desire to loathe within myself.
EDIT : Found some things to be happy for, and others. I miss those times our group would just get together and chat about completely nonsensical gibberish, especially the blurrest one of them all. The one who drew me an umbrella. (heh) Lolwut. I definitely had a higher standard of English back then. It's deteriorated to an abysmal level now.
Maybe deep down, I've always wanted something different.
Damn, I need a new bag. Old one was ruined by some carefree, pretentious.. Hmm.. i can't remember.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Routine
Thought of the day : If it's something worth doing, it's something worth overdoing.
I realize I've a certain knack for remembering routines. No, I'm not trying to sound conceited or anything but I feel rather.. Programmable. Somewhat like a robot. All you have to do is key in precise instructions and I can carry out whatever it is that I'm tasked. Abysmal as my innovative and creative side may be, I think my stronger traits lie in my aptitude to replicate clear and concise actions.
Meh.
I realize I've a certain knack for remembering routines. No, I'm not trying to sound conceited or anything but I feel rather.. Programmable. Somewhat like a robot. All you have to do is key in precise instructions and I can carry out whatever it is that I'm tasked. Abysmal as my innovative and creative side may be, I think my stronger traits lie in my aptitude to replicate clear and concise actions.
Meh.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Take Me As I Am
One of my favourite FM Static songs.
It's also the third and final chapter in a story. Really nice ending in my opinion, if you've seen the previous 2 music videos.
I was too scared to start, now I'm too scared too let go.
It's also the third and final chapter in a story. Really nice ending in my opinion, if you've seen the previous 2 music videos.
I was too scared to start, now I'm too scared too let go.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Doors
I know not what awaited me behind that lone divider. Will it be a pleasant new experience or a complete disaster? At present, I remain idle and uncertain of my disposition. Should I forge ahead and take a leap of faith? Or perhaps I should let things play themselves out naturally.
True, the allure behind the motive runs deep. Temptations flare as adrenaline aches me on, pushing me forward neglecting all train of thought. Beyond that door was nothing but obscurity. Put simply, it would be uncharted territory. To step forward is not just a huge risk, it will jeopardize everything in life that I hold dear. I place my palm on the bare wooden surface and rest my head against it. All I could muster was a long sigh.
My mind raced back, suddenly everything felt familiar to me. There was a sense of acquaintance, a feeling of familiarity. I've walked this path before. A rush of desire filled my mind as I retraced the steps I took. Every footstep, every breath, every aching moment, I urged myself on completely blinded by passion. I had disregarded every rule I put in place for myself, stepped over every line.
I snap back, waking from my abhorrent daydream. I get way too ahead of myself sometimes, calling a situation that doesn't exist. Why ruin something that's already so perfect by trying to achieve more? You can't surpass perfection. Perfection itself is an atypical occurrence. Sometimes all it takes is a glance. Sometimes you just wake up and realise, it's there. You just know it.
Some doors are there, but they're never meant to be opened. I turn around and walk away, fully aware that the closer I get, the more distant I would become. Nevertheless, curiosity plagues my every waking moment.
What if?
Okay, personally I feel that this post was a fail rant. :S But it's just me. Gotta finish up that piece I'm writing. :O
True, the allure behind the motive runs deep. Temptations flare as adrenaline aches me on, pushing me forward neglecting all train of thought. Beyond that door was nothing but obscurity. Put simply, it would be uncharted territory. To step forward is not just a huge risk, it will jeopardize everything in life that I hold dear. I place my palm on the bare wooden surface and rest my head against it. All I could muster was a long sigh.
My mind raced back, suddenly everything felt familiar to me. There was a sense of acquaintance, a feeling of familiarity. I've walked this path before. A rush of desire filled my mind as I retraced the steps I took. Every footstep, every breath, every aching moment, I urged myself on completely blinded by passion. I had disregarded every rule I put in place for myself, stepped over every line.
I snap back, waking from my abhorrent daydream. I get way too ahead of myself sometimes, calling a situation that doesn't exist. Why ruin something that's already so perfect by trying to achieve more? You can't surpass perfection. Perfection itself is an atypical occurrence. Sometimes all it takes is a glance. Sometimes you just wake up and realise, it's there. You just know it.
Some doors are there, but they're never meant to be opened. I turn around and walk away, fully aware that the closer I get, the more distant I would become. Nevertheless, curiosity plagues my every waking moment.
What if?
Okay, personally I feel that this post was a fail rant. :S But it's just me. Gotta finish up that piece I'm writing. :O
Don't Be Scared
Thought of the day : I'd rather lose a friend than risk going back to what I used to be.
Okay, I just failed at trying to get all poetic. All the inspiration I had gathered yesterday is gone with the wind. But I'll try to finish it up, sometime. I think I need to stop attempting to sound whimsical and whatnot and just go on blogging about what I'm trying to blog about.
That made no sense whatsoever, did it?
Never thought it would. Meh. So yes, as I was saying....
I finally retrieved my official result statement today all the way from Australia. Collected it at Sunway University. Dropped by earlier this morning, met a few former AUSMATians, all there for the same reason. Found Marcus at the Registry while he was collecting his results. Did some certifying and whatnot. Went over to the college library and Language Dept. Damn, I miss Sunway already.
Nomnomnom at Pyramid with Marcus and his gf, then dropped by Monash yet again to reconfirm my application. At least this time it came up "In progress". Heh. :3
*crosses fingers* Please get in. Please get in. I want this!! Ahh, or whatever I've worked for would have amounted to naught.
Okay, I just failed at trying to get all poetic. All the inspiration I had gathered yesterday is gone with the wind. But I'll try to finish it up, sometime. I think I need to stop attempting to sound whimsical and whatnot and just go on blogging about what I'm trying to blog about.
That made no sense whatsoever, did it?
Never thought it would. Meh. So yes, as I was saying....
I finally retrieved my official result statement today all the way from Australia. Collected it at Sunway University. Dropped by earlier this morning, met a few former AUSMATians, all there for the same reason. Found Marcus at the Registry while he was collecting his results. Did some certifying and whatnot. Went over to the college library and Language Dept. Damn, I miss Sunway already.
Nomnomnom at Pyramid with Marcus and his gf, then dropped by Monash yet again to reconfirm my application. At least this time it came up "In progress". Heh. :3
*crosses fingers* Please get in. Please get in. I want this!! Ahh, or whatever I've worked for would have amounted to naught.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
All These Lives
Once again, I'm going to post up a link to another song I find really..
You'll see. :)
All These Lives by Daughtry
Take note of the line, "You're not a person, you're a disease"
That's what really appeals now. (:
You'll see. :)
All These Lives by Daughtry
Take note of the line, "You're not a person, you're a disease"
That's what really appeals now. (:
Monday, January 10, 2011
Driving
I think my posts are getting shorter with each passing day.
So I'll keep this short and sweet.
Drove down to Glenmarie Court, had lunch at Ming Kee Char Siew before going back to SS15 for dessert. Then went to SS22 or 23, can't remember. Headed home then.
The insatiable one wasn't there, only the ever so logical one was. Nevertheless, felt fun to get out. (:
So I'll keep this short and sweet.
Drove down to Glenmarie Court, had lunch at Ming Kee Char Siew before going back to SS15 for dessert. Then went to SS22 or 23, can't remember. Headed home then.
The insatiable one wasn't there, only the ever so logical one was. Nevertheless, felt fun to get out. (:
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The Fake Smiley
Funny how I almost always let my head control me. I don't know what's suitable to describe my pathetic state now. I think I'll just call it 'sad'.
There's really no point in trying to hint it out when nobody'll notice. Nobody. Except a distant silhouette of a past memory.
Anticipation is what'll kill me one day.
Nothing's been going my way lately.
Pretty words laced with compliments yet spoken with a callous and indifferent tone.
An irony within itself, one that seeks to be unraveled yet remain clandestine.
There's really no point in trying to hint it out when nobody'll notice. Nobody. Except a distant silhouette of a past memory.
Anticipation is what'll kill me one day.
Nothing's been going my way lately.
Pretty words laced with compliments yet spoken with a callous and indifferent tone.
An irony within itself, one that seeks to be unraveled yet remain clandestine.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Oh Wait
I remember now. Another piece of me came back and renewed my desire to loathe.
Don't post shit where I can see them. (:
Wait a minute, I still don't get why I'm trying so hard to show my disdain for people I no longer regard as existing. There's a phrase for it...
They're dead to me.
If you think I'd have taken the bait and fallen for you ploy again, hell no.
Don't post shit where I can see them. (:
Wait a minute, I still don't get why I'm trying so hard to show my disdain for people I no longer regard as existing. There's a phrase for it...
They're dead to me.
If you think I'd have taken the bait and fallen for you ploy again, hell no.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Cheerful
I just felt really happy today. For no reason whatsoever.
This feels really odd.
Maybe it's hit home that I still have people who care around me. (:
It's a new dawn, to a hopefully long happy season.
This feels really odd.
Maybe it's hit home that I still have people who care around me. (:
It's a new dawn, to a hopefully long happy season.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Like We Used To
My latest addiction. There's just something about songs like these that draws me to them. Maybe it's the tune, or lyrics, or both. Perhaps the similarity.
Either way, enjoy.
Ever came across a puppeteer who tries to befriend his puppets?
Either way, enjoy.
Ever came across a puppeteer who tries to befriend his puppets?
Monday, January 3, 2011
To Close The Book
On an unfinished chapter.
I feel so incapable of trying, so tired of this wearisome endeavour. All the time I spent to achieve such lackluster results.
I feel like putting this pen down, and give up on writing this story.
A story, which has never gone past its first page.
Should time allow it, there might be a time I'll be able to pick up what's left and piece it together.
But for now, my time is up. The end looked bleak when I started, the picture hasn't changed.
An undiscovered story, never to see the light of day, save for a few.
I feel so incapable of trying, so tired of this wearisome endeavour. All the time I spent to achieve such lackluster results.
I feel like putting this pen down, and give up on writing this story.
A story, which has never gone past its first page.
Should time allow it, there might be a time I'll be able to pick up what's left and piece it together.
But for now, my time is up. The end looked bleak when I started, the picture hasn't changed.
An undiscovered story, never to see the light of day, save for a few.
Lifeless
With each passing day, the moments become harder to endure. Why is it that when everybody is going about making use of their lives am I wasting mine away, doing nothing for myself?
I know there is nobody but myself to help find a driving force in order to motivate me to do something and yet, I find it hard to just break out of a old and very cliched routine. Wake up, stone, sleep.
I need to start reading, or studying. Whichever works. At least till I get that letter I so desperately want.
I know there is nobody but myself to help find a driving force in order to motivate me to do something and yet, I find it hard to just break out of a old and very cliched routine. Wake up, stone, sleep.
I need to start reading, or studying. Whichever works. At least till I get that letter I so desperately want.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Success
What exactly it is that denotes the attribute of such a formless word? Is it wealth? Honours? Materialistic possessions or just a secure life?
What then leads to possession of such a desired state? Insurmountable amount of painstaking herculean effort or just a spot of luck? Not everybody is born into this deceitful world with a silver spoon in their mouth. Not everybody has their path drawn out for them like a map where the next step is crystal clear. Not everybody is lucky enough to cross paths with honest and sincere people who wishes for nothing but to be a true friend and offer their hand in making that next step all the more simpler.
Some of us have nothing but perils and hardships waiting for them ahead. Some of us stumble into the wrong crowd and are misled and fraught with nothing but anxiety. Some of us live everyday not knowing that amidst those they trust with their most soulful convictions, lie a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Despite the odds, there are people that never give up. Always optimistic about the future and certain that whatever may come, there'll always be a solution. Their struggles, literally their blood, sweat and tears. I'm lucky enough to say that I am privileged to have those people that I'm able to call a friend. To work as hard as they have, I've nothing but recognition for them.
"I don't remember how we happened to meet each other. I don't remember who got along with whom first. All I can remember is all of us together...always."
"Fake friends are no friends. Choose wisely."
---Jordan Taub
True, some people deserve more than what they have. They put in their heart and soul to accomplish their goal. If I could, I'd do all I can to help. Others, already have more than what they deserve yet they want more, an insatiable hunger, I've nothing but loathe for them.
A lingering thought crossed my mind, maybe I should have made up for last year's lackluster day this time around. Times like these my mind plays a game with itself, and I realised, that would have brought nothing but indignity. After all, I am but a pawn, in a game of chess where the odds are stacked up against me. My actions would have meant little when compared to those of the architect of the situation.
Alas, I know where things stand. I shall leave the passed in the past, and begin anew knowing that somewhere down the road, I'll meet people more worthy of my trust. At the same time, I'm hoping that I will once again cross paths with those that mean the world to me.
5 working days, and I'll know the nature of the path that awaits me. I think it's time for me to sit still instead of jumping around all the time and reevaluate my priorities.
I know not such a person. Those flashing images in my head are nothing but naught.
You know what? I'm sick of trying to be rational, I'm going to be so friggin' irrational on this issue and not give a damn. I don't need no cover ups. Period.
What then leads to possession of such a desired state? Insurmountable amount of painstaking herculean effort or just a spot of luck? Not everybody is born into this deceitful world with a silver spoon in their mouth. Not everybody has their path drawn out for them like a map where the next step is crystal clear. Not everybody is lucky enough to cross paths with honest and sincere people who wishes for nothing but to be a true friend and offer their hand in making that next step all the more simpler.
Some of us have nothing but perils and hardships waiting for them ahead. Some of us stumble into the wrong crowd and are misled and fraught with nothing but anxiety. Some of us live everyday not knowing that amidst those they trust with their most soulful convictions, lie a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Despite the odds, there are people that never give up. Always optimistic about the future and certain that whatever may come, there'll always be a solution. Their struggles, literally their blood, sweat and tears. I'm lucky enough to say that I am privileged to have those people that I'm able to call a friend. To work as hard as they have, I've nothing but recognition for them.
"I don't remember how we happened to meet each other. I don't remember who got along with whom first. All I can remember is all of us together...always."
"Fake friends are no friends. Choose wisely."
---Jordan Taub
True, some people deserve more than what they have. They put in their heart and soul to accomplish their goal. If I could, I'd do all I can to help. Others, already have more than what they deserve yet they want more, an insatiable hunger, I've nothing but loathe for them.
A lingering thought crossed my mind, maybe I should have made up for last year's lackluster day this time around. Times like these my mind plays a game with itself, and I realised, that would have brought nothing but indignity. After all, I am but a pawn, in a game of chess where the odds are stacked up against me. My actions would have meant little when compared to those of the architect of the situation.
Alas, I know where things stand. I shall leave the passed in the past, and begin anew knowing that somewhere down the road, I'll meet people more worthy of my trust. At the same time, I'm hoping that I will once again cross paths with those that mean the world to me.
5 working days, and I'll know the nature of the path that awaits me. I think it's time for me to sit still instead of jumping around all the time and reevaluate my priorities.
I know not such a person. Those flashing images in my head are nothing but naught.
You know what? I'm sick of trying to be rational, I'm going to be so friggin' irrational on this issue and not give a damn. I don't need no cover ups. Period.
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