Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up, I need your lovin' hands to come and pick me up. Every night I miss you I can just look up and know the stars are holding you tonight.
- Tonight : FM Static
Should I be happy? Should I be torn? Should I regret? Should I move on? Plague with questions without answers, there's nothing I can draw peace of mind from. 730 days in total, I've reached my crossroads again. Funny how things don't normally play out due to the consequence of 1 big decision, but over a hundred smaller ones. Small decisions that may have seen trivial at the time. Just saying a plain ol' "yes" to an invitation has led me down this long winding road. A road that seems never ending at times.
Thursday, the day possibilities were opened up. It was the very first time I had felt uneasy. The thought of having someone plastered all over your head, I didn't take it seriously then, perhaps that was my first error, accepting bodyguard duty. The day after, Friday, wore me out. Funny how I still remember it clearly, even now. Walking up, sitting down beside, basically attempting small talk and laughing. Stupidity took over, walked away to join my friends. They knew all 'bout me. Maybe not all, there were 8 to begin with, that much I'm still certain. The numbers soon grew, and I found myself sitting in the spotlight, drawing attention from almost everyone I knew. Guess it spun out of control as it spread like wildfire. I made the mistake of letting the talkative ones know.
Saturday, enough was enough. It's been a year since then. There's been ups and downs, hopes and disappointments, fear and doubts, anticipation and dread, but it all comes down to that one day. I don't know what pushed me to do what I did, maybe it was stupidity, yeah it was prolly stupidity. Is there such a thing as fate? Or is everything merely coincidental? Every move I made, everytime I had plans, either they went awry, or the main character of the story wasn't there. 1U, Sunway, Lagoon. 3 times, 3 strikes. I hung my head down in defeat, what did I, a mere shadow in the background, ever expect? Sweet success? Guess I was way over my head.
And so Sunday comes. Having endured as much, I've learnt the greater the hope, the greater the letdown. Never get you hopes up. Nothing is ever worth it. Nothing. I'm just waiting now to see how today plays out, how the next 365 days play out, how my life plays out. Just for today, I guess I'll let the emo side of me out again. After all, writing this, dwellin' deep into my memories has taken a toll on me.
I'll make it out, I have to. Funny how some things just happen at odd times. This weekend, has seriously drained me, both physically and mentally.
When a person gets desperate, that's when he loses sight of what really matters. Right now.. 2nd > 1st
Note to self : Stop listening to depressing songs.
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